Sanctuary: A Vehement Discourse

Thursday, December 30, 2004

In the Midst
Probably one of the worst feelings ever is being in the midst of something. You can't turn back and change/fix what has happened and there is an expected end whether it be good or bad. I hate that feeling. I dislike being in the middle of a book. One, because I can't put it down, no matter how boring it is. Secondly, because I want to know the ending. This was the worst when I read Tess of the D'Urbervilles. The book bored me for the first few chapters and I desperately wanted to skip to the end. I also dislike being in the middle of my twenties. For one, I barely look sixteen. I was observing this the other night as I was putting on some anti-wrinkle cream. I don't feel my age. I still feel like a little girl. Not in the sense of kiddish, but in the sense of freshness and still have a whole life a head of me. Personally I'd rather skip the next fifteen or so years of my life. I want to skip to the good parts. I don't want to be 'in the midst'. It's a lot like that in life, in real life situations. We get stuck having to make hard decisions, or having to do things we'd rather not and it is just easier to skip to the good parts. It's all a part of character building.

Our big heavy duty cappuccino milk steamer maker thing at work has broken. Now we get to make superb drinks using the single cup at home cappuccino maker. This was a bad idea. I am pretty sure that it won't last a week.

I decided to Nair my arms. I am not really hairy, but I am wearing this sleeveless black dress on New Year's Eve and I don't really want arm hair, so if you happen to walk into my house anytime soon plug your nose. That stuff is pretty potent. My dress however, is hot. It took me days to find a little black dress. I haven't been too blessed in the bust area so finding a dress is a rather compliacated issue for me. Nonetheless, I found one, and it is lovely. Now...I have to work on my pasty, white legs. I will take pictures and post them. I am super excited. I love dressing up.
Well, that's it for me. I need to open a few windows in my house, get rid of the smell (thank goodness it isn't very cold anymore).
Post Postum Addendum:
I forgot to blog about my New Year's Resolution. I haven't really thought about things I need to do differently this year. I reflected on this past year and would say that it was one of the more hectic years I have lived through. I desperately hope this new year is different. I guess this sort of ties in with the afore mentioned 'in the midst' I feel like I am on the brink of change. This is good, very good. But change is scary for me. I love ruts. I like the same old same old. *sigh*
Resolutions (a la liste):
-get rid of a stupid arm hicky I just gave myself (this needs explanation. I got permanent marker on my naired arms....I had to suck it off right away, or would look dumb)
-take more photographs
-work on my eating habits.
-take iron pills everymorning (like I am supposed to)
-pray more
-read more books
-expand the vocabulary
-hug more people
...there is so much more to add to this list. I need sleep though. I am at the point right now where my body yearns for my bed. (I just used the word "yearns" oh my...)
P.S~have I ever mentioned that my cat drinks water by scooping with her paws? I am observing this and it is so funny to watch.

posted by ria at 6:09 PM | link

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Women, Cars and Make-up
Don't worry, I can tie these all together to make a complete thought. Hang tight! I was thinking earlier today if women created vehicles that far exceed their own expectations, they would in turn meet the expectations of men as well. Don't worry, this wont turn out to be one of my infamous feminist "men suck" rants. Basically, well...from what I have heard amongst my manlier friends (that includes you Carrie, and only because you know cars...and one of your laughs is an evil man laugh) guys like fast, big vehicles. Horsepower means everything. Don't worry though guys, women like big and fast too. I very much appreciate a pretty Cadillac Escapade, or one of those big trucks. What would be really super is if the upholstery came with mood matching covers. One could change the carpet depending on one's mood. And compartments...give me a console within a console within a console and I will be a very occupied traveler. I remember one year watching a car commercial (I think for a Malibu, ugly car yes, but here is the clincher) cup holders were made so that round and square items could be held. Would a man think of this? No, it had to have been a woman (with children of course). Cars lately are beginning to have a sleek, sex appeal. Who would think to makes cars like that? Men...I'm not so sure of that. It had to have been a woman behind that. Soon it will be (rather then "does this dress make me look fat") it will be "does this car make me look fat". And visor mirrors, almost the greatest invention yet (second to the printing press). A woman had to have designed this. I have seen a guy look into a visor mirror only once.
This all sounded much better as I was thinking it out in my head. But I think that more women should start designing car models. I mean, we need huge, fast vehicles absolutely, but I think that it would be essential to have a woman on the design team as well, that way she can program the nearest malls into OnStar and make that huge truck alittle more on the sexy side.
I obviously have been car shopping. I have a thing for 4x4s (the pretty ones). It is almost essential to have a 4x4 in weather like this. Sub zero inhumane. I am thinking of making a snowman in my back yard (and then I will kick the crap out of it). I but on my ski suit today, not because I was going skiing, but because I was turning this crazy shade of blue. The heat in my house was apparently turned up really high and I was still cold, so I brought out the snow suit. I'ts pretty stylish I guess, if I were snowboarding....but I feel like a fat blob in the stupid thing. A fat, purple, popsicle blob (it's purple...a pretty purple, no worries I don't look like Barney or anything). I am reminded of the Robert Munsch book "Thomas's Snowsuit"...
Columbia: Canada's Finest Lingerie :P suck on that snow lovers.
...after re reading, I come to realize that this stream of consciousness that was so evident in Virginia Woolf's writings is also evident in my own. Does this pose a serious problem? Oh well.
Oh, I made up a joke...How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? (see comments for answer)

Monday, December 27, 2004

Snow is melting, and holidays are almost over woot woot :) Stay warm!

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Marshmallow Winter
Judging my my title here, one may gather that I am not in a very pleasant mood. Not only did it snow so badly last night causing drifts larger then my front porch, but I hate slushy machines as well. This post will be two fold, both of an angry nature, both unrelated to the other. I left work yesterday evening noticing that I could barely see my car. Thinking to my self (Oh Erica how are you going to get home without your body going into muscle spasms) I trudged through the snow in my nice leather (*sob sob* leather) oxfords to my blue car just peeking out through the snow. I know that if my car had feelings, it would be laughing at me right now. I DETESTE driving in the snow. Hate it with a flaming passion. Anyways, I have to get myself home, right? I can't just camp out in the parking lot until work the next day, no no I can't. I stick my key in the door and find out that my door is completely iced shut, so I take my handy dandy lighter, careful as to not light it near my gas tank and de- frickin- ice my car. Finally my door lets up and I climb in, only to find out that I left my (handy dandy) ice scraper/ snow brush in my beautiful, warm, cozy, fireplace lit home. NICE ONE! One thing I have learned but not put to use is 'be instant in season and out' so I sat in my car for half an hour while it took it's time defrosting. The storm decided that it would like to continue through the night and on into the morning. That's nice, you know, if I lived in Alaska. They don't care up there, snow is like breathing, au natural. Not only did it snow all night, but it rained ice pellets. Everything looks very pretty, forsure, but the roads. Sweet Jesus, the roads are ridiculous. I live in an area set aside, it practically has its own private enterance. Great for keeping away outsiders, awful for clear roads. Plows forget that there is such a neighbourhood, so we get plowed in. Everyone is out with their shovels trying to free up the entrances and exits. This, this is what I have to live with for the next four months. I don't like it, not one bit. Moving on...
If I had a baseball bat I would take it to the slushy machine at work and beat the slush out of it. That flipping thing does not work for me. I turn it off every ten minutes so it can thaw, but the bloody stuff gets icier. This stupid thing makes me feel so dumb, and if I wasn't as smart (as I think I am...heh) I would have a mental breakdown. All I have to do is flip three buttons, that's it. And do you think it ever works. Absoutely not. Well slushy, well've got me. I give up. What do you want from me! *sigh*
On a lighter note (and I profusely apologize for my grumbling) Hockey Season has been put on hold, we all know that. (Notice how I spelled Hockey Season, capitalized...not even realizing it, it's like a cult or something.) Well I am happy because I get to watch the Gilmore Girls, and Zoe Buisek. Canadians are glued to Hockey Night in Canada all throughout the winter season. Not me, I have to watch my Gilmore Girls. Woot woot! Anyways, I am not sure if I will post before Christmas, wait...that's in two days. Bah! If not I wish all of the readers whom I know a very Merry Christmas. I know that for many perhaps this time is of reflection, and even grieving, there is nothing I can really say that will make the season lighter. My thoughts, prayers and best wishes are with you all.

"angels we have heard on high
sweetly singing ore the plains
and the mountains in reply
echoing their joyous strains"

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

(no title)
I have a lot on my heart tonight as I sit here and try to make sense of words, make sense of my thoughts even. Some nights I sit up and type what I really want to say and then I delete it because it is so personal, and I don't want people reading it. I think, and this sounds weird, that I get attached to people way to easily. I thought that I was one of those hard, cold people; the one's that keep others at arms length. I have a really close knit group of friends that are very close to me, but I didn't think I let anyone else in. I was wrong. I was very wrong, and lately I have been thinking how attached I was to this certain person and suddenly she is not here. I have never been able to articulate my thoughts in this area, for fear of sounding to distant because I like to keep my emotions controlled. I find it hard because I have never let myself deal with something like this. I have let people go, but this time it is different, much different. I also feel strange because if I feel this sad, a whole other family must be feeling things I can't even comprehend. My heart aches so much for this family, so so much.

I know this all sounds very vague. I can't really express my feelings as most people who read this don't really understand it. But for those who do know, for you who have to go through this time feeling alone, maybe even a bit disoriented my prayers are going up tonight, tomorrow, as long as you need it. It's all I can do, but wish that I could do more. I don't know how you do it.
I'm not even sure how to end this post. I have to close my eyes to hold back the tears, not tears for me, but tears for you. I can't imagine.
I just needed to write this, I have no where else to write anything. I never journal any longer, so that idea is kind of out of the question. I have so much I want to say, so many people to say it to.
There has been a song playing over and over in my head which I will leave you with tonight. This is what heaven is like, this is where she is, this makes me remember her and smile.

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by Your side
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see
When Your Face is before me
I can only imagine.
I can only imagine.
Surrounded by Your Glory

What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus?
Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence,
or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine!

I can only imagine,
When that day comes,
When I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine,
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Monday, December 20, 2004

Top 10
Here is a list (or two) just because I haven't listed in a bit, and because I don't feel like real blogging, for various reasons.
The things I really liked when I was a teenager that I don’t much care for now:
1. overalls
2. pierced ears
3. red sports cars
4. bad boys
5. fast food
6. pony tails
7. Mr. Noodles
8. Carson Daly
9. MTV
10. late nights laughing my butt off. As one ages, one finds one needs more sleep.

Ten things I didn’t much care for when I was a teenager that I really like now:
1. Large vehicles
2. My sister (tee hee hee)
3. Shakespeare
4. deep conversations
5. philosophy
6. cooking
7. Comfortable clothing
8. politics
9. milk
10. Titanic soundtrack

Ten things I’ve never much cared for and very likely never will:
1. biology (I pretended to like it)
2. the dentist
3. piercings
4. mushrooms
5. neon colours
6. grocery shopping
7. touching my eyeballs
8. cleaning up after my cat
9. People who can't remember my name and end up calling me Brigette, or Beth, or Anna, or Sarah, it's ERICA
10. tattoos

Ten things I’ve always liked and very likely always will:
1. Italian food (pasta fagioli or however it is spelled...oh my)
2. Vegetables
3. Philosophy (as in, the beauty products)
4. Clinique
5. Reading
6. making lists
7. black clothing (not as in gothic, but..classic)
8. SLR cameras
9. Advil
10. Starbucks

Some ABC's
Animals: 2 cats: Tilly and Phoebe; 1 bunny: Karl
Best Friend(s): Carrie, Sarah, JD
Car: Cavalier (now you know why I want a new car...I HATE Cavaliers)

Desire(s): travel more, get a Ph.D, have kids (maybe)
Eye Color: blue
Favorite Foods: Italian, and Mexican, and yet I am not allowed to eat either. I also LOVE Spinach Salad.
Garden stuff: Chocolate Mint, tomatoes, daisies, giant sunflowers, roses
Hometown: Hamilton -ish (sort of)
Ice cream: Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookies Dough, and any ice cream with cherries.
Job: Food Industry
Kids Names: Abby, Sophia, Benjamin, Elijah (my potential kids anyways)

Languages: English, French, Portuguese, Latin, and I am learning Polish
Manias : Reading, blogging, playing the piano, shopping Name: Erica, NOT BETH or SARAH
Outfit I love: Red Campus Crew Sweatpants and white sweatshirt it is so comfy, ooo and my new Le Chateau outfit.
Phobia: spiders and frogs, and snakes, and bats and closed spaces, and stairways, and tigers...Oh my!
Quality I value the most: Honesty and Intergrity (sorry that was two) Relationship: yes, several.
Suspicious of: my sister's cat Phoebe when she looks up with her head almost to the ground, and people who don't make eye contact
Television show(s): Zoe Buisek, Judging Amy, anything on the learning channel
Unsavory characteristic: I get strange when I am stressed and tired. My senses are heightened and my grumpiness level is in the red zone
Volunteer: I only had one Volunteer almost position. I was going to work with post mammogrammed women at the hospital, but I had to get a series of needles and...that didn't go well with me. I regre not doing the job.
Webpage: right here
Xylophone (or other instrument): I am a pianist and I can strum a guitar.

Year born: post 1980
Zodiac Sign: cancer, I think.

...well I think that is the list for today. I might make a new 100 Things list, ooooo how exciting. My affinity for lists is never satisfied.

As part of my fitness program (HA!) I go for a walk, I used to jog (flail) but it was beginning to get hard, being sick and all, so walking was my other option. Anyways, I live in a neighbourhood that decorates very elagantly for the holidays. I guess different areas have their own little competitions. Anyways, it was so beautiful this evening walking around my cul-de-sac looking at all the decorated homes (note: not National Lampoonesque). I love the white lights, they are so pretty. It almost got me in the Christmas spirit. I won't be sucked in though, and if I am I will just stand in the nearest Wal-Mart for 30 seconds. What happened to the city sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday cheer?
Here is my ghetto rendition (although, I wouldn't really know)
Croweded aisle ways,
Messy walk ways,
Dressed in tacky decor,
In the air there's a feeling of claustrophobia.

Children crying,
People pushing,
Meeting furrowed eyebrows
And on every street corner you'll see:

Prostitues, Pimps alike,
It's christmas time in the ghetto
Bling bling bling

Fake diamond rings
Soon it will be Christmas time.

...sorry, apologies to my hommie G's in da rapping skills are lacking.
I think this medicine is messing with me in weird ways. Anyways, I liked the lights and the fact that there isn't any snow yet. I think the rain has passed until Spring, but nonetheless there is no snow.
(Craig, you can just keep your Christmas snow ideas to yourself because it ain't happening buddy, that's right. Oh yeah.)

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Pain Killers: Phenazopyridine (to be specific)
For a while now I have been sick. I didn't blog about it has to do with my bladder. I have been in pain for a while. It started in the summer with my kidneys feeling a bit weird.
The pain is really bad and finally, finally this week I decided to get drugs. I wish I had done it sooner. It's like I have to go to the washroom really, really bad and can't and the pressure, oh my god, the pressure is not comfortable at all. I haven't been able to sit, stand up, lie down, anything without feeling sick. I am terrified with doctors, just the GP's, and so I didn't go get it checked out. But now hallelujah I am on pain killers. They made my pee (pardon my unclinical term) turn orange. I laughed so hard, so bloody hard, and then I sobbed. It was a strange feeling all at once. I put my head in my hands and wept like I had never wept before. About two months ago I had a conversation with my dear friend Shar. We were dicsussing urine colours when eating beets, or when toilet bowl cleaner mixes with it. It was our little joke (along with the secret hand sign) and today when I went to the washroom I had to laugh because it would have been something I would be so excited to tell her. I know it sounds weird, it does, but the little things fascinated us. I didn't have the chance to tell her this. I didn't have the chance to tell her that urine turns orange. My laughter turned into those sobs where you just want to put a pillow over your head and scream. My eyes are beginning to water now as I type this. I never want to blog about this, it hurts to type it, it hurts to read it and so I just don't. Even this little event reminded me of this beautiful woman and my heart hurts all over again. It reminded me to hold onto my sister even more tightly when I hug her. It reminded me that when she talks to me, that I should pay attention with my whole self, soak up every word she is saying, touch her when she talks to me. It reminded me to hold my mother in the highest regards, to hug her and hold her longer then I usually do. It reminded me that I should tolerate my brother alittle more, when he does something that isn't exactly perfect, I should encourage him all the more.
This post was not supposed to be about my Little Lady Shar, I was going to post about something totally different, but my feelings overwhelmed me today and I am not sure what to do with them. I am not sure what heaven is like, I am not sure what dancing with angels is like, but I know that it is a much more beautiful place now.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Friday Night
This is one of the first Friday's I have had to myself in a very long time. This is actually one of the only days I have had to myself in a very long time. *deep breath* I can hear my heart thumping. That is the only thing I can hear besides the keyboard clicking.
I have a lot on my mind right now. That's right, a moment of relaxation and I am thinking about what I need to do when this moment is over. I have to buy a new battery for my car, which I just priced today. I am glad that I don't drive an SUV yet. Holy Moly car batteries are pricey. Oh well, I need one and that's that. I am looking at buying a Hyundai Santa Fe, or a Lincoln Navagaitor (only because they are almost the hugest things on the road and I will feel super powerful). I like the Santa Fe, it is a 4x4 (and with the way the weather is going, that is IDEAL). And it's cute. I was going to buy a VW Jetta, but a 4x4 is better for winter driving. Anyways, I still need that battery.
I just bought this awesome Christmas outfit from Le Chateau. I love it. It is totally not my style, but hey...I'm breaking the mold. So...that's my exciting moment-to-myself news for tonight. I realize that this blog is utterly shallow. No worries, I will write deep later on this weekend.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

I Really Must Go
I am considering a move to Texas or maybe even Hawaii. As much as I love Canada for it's rolling greenery and prairies and the different culture in Ontario, I much prefer the warmth of the tropics or those places which lie closer to the Equator than Southern Ontario. I have no problem trading snow and blue fingers for a grass skirt and coconuts. Do they make extra small coconuts though? Honestly, I know it is a stretch but in the end, the trade is worth it. I can live in a house that is situated on bamboo sticks. Furnace or bamboo? Hmmm...that's a toughie. I got out my diabetes socks today and I think I am going to wear them every night. You know how people with diabetes have poor circulation? Well, there are these specially made socks to keep the regulation of blood (uh...) regular. I am serious, there really is such a thing. As much as I enjoy the colourfulness of blue, and the way it integrates itself with purple, I'd rather stick to my white pasty skin. I don't mind being able to feel my feet. Numbness just isn't in anymore. Anyways, Hawaii...I stood outside at the Hawaii International Airport three years ago January, waiting to catch a flight home. The temperature was well above boiling even at midnight and it wasn't sticky. I loved it. I fell inlove. I watched the Wikki Wikki turn the corner and if my plane wasn't scheduled to leave that day I would have taken the Wikki Wikki all over the island. I love Hawaii.

I have been thinking lately: wouldn't it be wonderful if we could say what we want without being judged? I mean getting a straight answer for "do I look fat in this?" is unheard of. I guess it wouldn't really be nice, but at least we'd all be brutally honest with each other. And yes, today I did look fat in that. I was having a fat day (thank you JD for making my day alittle easier, and yes, you are hot enough for me. I don't need soup or...whatever else was offered). My family was blessed with birthing hips, which will come in handy when I have kids. What if I don't want kids? I'm still stuck with hips. It comes from both sides of my family so I can't really blame one person. That was a rant, you can just pretend you didn't read that.

I had a tiny taste of holiday cheer today. One of my favourite Christmas songs was played on the radio (Feliz Navidad). I almost caught hold of the spirit, but still in my mind I find the season overrated and tacky. I love when people decorate their houses, but please, only use little white twinkly lights. Big, bold, coloured lights take away from the 'all is calm, all is bright'. The season is peaceful, reverent in a sense and I hate that mentioning Christ is politically incorrect. I want to remember the real reason for the season, but it seems the mall and media has clouded our vision with a huge, ugly, decked out man in red. Anyways, so this is Christmas?

While I was away I penned out potential blogs. I wrote and wrote, and what I composed is blog worthy, so I might share sometime. About my elopment, I may share a bit on that later. But for now, I bid you adieu.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Wow, I have not written in a while. What have I been up to you might ask. Well, I eloped for one. And I have been freaking out. That's about it, nothing much.
It's cold. I'm pretty blue (as in the colour blue). Yay for poor circulation and insulation.
Lots more to blog about when I can move my fingers.

I have gained a new respect for my mother today. She teaches grade 6 (remember being in grade six...if you are a girl that means raging hormones, if you are a boy that means endless farting). Anyways, this class is completely insane. One boy has irritable bowel syndrome and he goes to the washroom in his pants. The class was putting on a Christmas Pagent tonight and I went to be with my mom (moral support) and I saw how this class acted. Unruly, disrespectful, unmanagable, idiotic. Even I raised my voice at them. Anyways, this episode suppressed any desire I have to teach. I have a low tolerance for whining. I hate it. Today, whatever tolerance I still had is now gone. Props to you mom...props :)

Thursday, December 09, 2004

*note: this is not a mean, bitter blog post. This is not directed towards anyone. It is just me laying it on the line. It's me, crying out to God. That's all. I know that sometimes people comment in my comment system defending others, but this is not an attack on anyone. It is just me with tears in my eyes, needing God.
And I'll fall facedown as Your glory shines around
Yes, I'll fall facedown as Your glory shines around

This is a small portion of a song that we sing at my church during worship. I sang it in my car today. I was driving on the highway going no where in particular and I just started singing this. I sing in my car, I belt out tunes like there's no tomorrow. When I started singing that song today I started to weep. Here I am singing that I am going to fall face down infront of my God infront of the one who gives and takes away, and I have bitterness in my heart. There is a part of me that wants to be so angry at God. I am angry that things have happened in my life that I couldn't control. I am angry that I have let my emotions make decisions for me instead of God, instead of trusting God's plan for my life. I am angry that I can't come before God and worship with a thankful heart. I come with a heart full of questions, with a heart full of "but why's". Instead of listening to God and letting Him tell me what I should be doing, I listened to my own fears and concerns. Instead of letting God be my source in times of trouble, I looked to food, or lack of, I have turned to other things. It is so hard to admit that I have failed, that things in my life didn't go exactly as planned, that I have to go running back to my Abba Father and say, I blew it again, help me. I wonder if He gets disappointed?
I have had enough. I had a conversation with a very dear friend the other day and was explaining exactly what I feel like. It's a dangerous feeling, in a sense. We have all heard the analogy of suppressing everything into a bottle, and then one day something happens and BAM...that bottle cap has burst open and years of supression is vomited out. This is how I feel, and I am scared. I don't want to take another step because I am terrified of what might happen. I feel like if I do, I am just going to fall back down again.
I don't understand why we go through things. I know that it is said that there is a reason for everything we go through. That God only gives us what He knows we can handle, but sometimes I don't think that is true. I really don't. I want to believe it, I want to keep in mind that God is loving, and faithful and that He gave His life for me, because He loves me. I truly believe that, deep inside, but I just have to convince the rest of myself to believe it.
Where was I going with this? Oh right... when I am facedown, worshipping God, surrendering everything I have to Him I have to remember that He is holding my hand through everything. As much as my flesh doesn't believe it, it is true. Omnipotent, Onmipresent father, catch me I'm falling.
Top 10
Does it bother anyone else that David Suzuki and Don Cherry are both in the Top 10 Canadian Category? I have not been following this until recently and am happy to see that Lester B. Pearson is on the list, but whatever happened to Margaret Atwood? Surely she is of better standing then Don Cherry? That is just my personal opinion...

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Weather confuses me. Yesterday we had flurries, and the roads were slippery. It was so cold, I was wearing long underwear and mittens all day (doesn't help that I am naturally a cold person). I finally caved and got out my Columbia Ski suit. Between sobs and kleenex I managed to coordinate my winterwear around the bulk.

Today it poured. Happily I watched the snow melt away, and drove my car just for the sake of driving and not sliding. It's December, I am in Canada (and pretty close to the snow belt in Ontario) and it RAINED! What are the odds.

My mother talked me into buying a coat (shopping always has a good affect on me when I am depressed). It is so cute. I got it from Le Chateau and it is pink. Not pink as in bubble gum pink, but as in vintage, oldschool, bohemian pink. I think I have a picture:

I really like it, and yes it is uber preppy, and I am alright with that.

However, like I said weather confuses me. It messes with my head. I remember spending Christmas in Australia two years ago and that was strange. Coming from Canada, I am used to snow, and lots of it. Australia was so hot I was wearing a tank top and capri pants on Christmas day. How rare! Anyways, my mother is doing a Christmas play with her grade six class. The school is doing a cultural Christmas, each class is taking a different counrty. My mom is doing Oz. The kids will be pretending to BBQ (with the ocean scene painted in the background), while listening to "Let it Snow" on the radio.

(I just deleted my whole post on skipping Christmas. It was long, and basically all I want to say is...I am not participating in holiday cheer this year. Christmas is highly overrated, and materialistic).

I might snap
A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi

Monday, December 06, 2004

Sometimes I struggle for words to say. Sometimes life gets caught up in a whirlwind of things and I can never grab onto a single thought and hold it for long. Sometimes situations leave me speechless and cold and there is never anything to say but "oh". Lately it's been like that, lately I don't have the words to comfort, the words to make someone smile. The only thing I can do is say "oh". I enjoy blogging very much, but there are just odd times where everything that comes to my head seems stupid. I write about experiences, but it seems stupid in comparison to experiences that others are going through. I write about my disease and it seems so little in comparison to the disease that you may have, or know someone has. I talk about the tragedy in my own life and I remember the tragedy that one particular family is facing, and mine seems small. I don't have the words today, not to comfort you, not to make you smile, and maybe not even to show you love and that is unfortunate. If I said anything it would just be noise (or in this case words). Please forgive my ignorance.
I guess today I will just leave you with answers to questions I have been asked lately:
Where did you get your blog title? It is directly from Virginia Woolf's essay "A Room of One's Own". She explains that a woman should have money and her own room. I whole heartedly agree and am grateful for both. My "room" where I go to be alone is a section in my closet. It is all decked out with twinkle lights and pillows. It's beautiful.
Where did you come up with your URL? It is in memory of a dear friend who went to be with Jesus a month ago. She was looking for the song "Dancing with the Angels" and it became one of her favourites. I promised her before she died that I would share her with everyone I met, as a testimony. This is just one simple way, but it reminds me of her everytime I log on. I miss her dearly, and miss being called GG...
Where is the coolest place you've been? Algarve, Portugal. I went for a semester to Portugal for school and such, and decided to take a vacation. I stayed in a beautiful resort and went to a gypsy market. It was awesome. The resort was along the ocean. I got up every morning to jog along the shore and watch the sun rise.
If you could only purchase one thing for yourself what would it be? a mahogany or black grand piano
Do you like salsa? the dancing or the food?...I like watching salsa dancing and I love salsa on nachos and in spaghetti sauce, but it doesn't agree with me.
Which flower is your favourite? I like lilies. Calalilies.
Which movie could you watch over and over? The Hours and Beauty and the Beast.
Favourite Colour? Blue, and Pink.
What store could you do all your shopping at? American Eagle (I also love Fortino's and Shoppers Drug Mart).
Favourite Current Activity? Editing Scott's paper.
Which language do you like? Latin, and I can speak a bit, one understands me :( I also love French. In my house we have a habit of using French plus English. (par example: Ou est the car keys? Qui est going to the mall avec moi? Est-ce-que tu want to go avec moi?- it's hilarious).
Pet Peeves? Smelly feet, and wrong grammar when speaking (including poor annunciation...but I am bad for that when I am tired), oh oh and half eaten bananas.
What Condiment could you live without, and couldn't live without? Relish (it is very gross) and Mayo (hello I am Dutch, we love mayo, and not in the Kate way...)
Best thing about being Dutch? community, and huge families
Worst thing? (how much time do we have here....I could go on and on) being tall, lame Dutch jokes usually aimed at the Frisians, being from the snobby part of Holland (sometimes , though, that is a good thing), accents....
What can you do for hours at a time? talk, play piano, talk (but only if I have someone interesting to talk to, otherwise I am quiet)
You are a freak, why do you like ironing? (thanks Melanie) I like to iron because it is theraputic.
What is in the c.d player? Jason Upton's cd "Fly", some X-mas Symphony c.d., Micah Tawks, mixed worship c.d., Solitudes (the ocean one....not the icky bird chirping one), Evanescence. This is an awesome combination when I have my player on rotation.
Current song to move you? well, I have three actually. "Dancing with the Angels", "I Hope You Dance" (by LeeAnn Womack, I HATE country music, but this song is awesome, get a copy of it), "It is Well With My Soul" an old hymn, but it really soothes my heart.
Which Circus Character would you be? the bearded lady, not because I can grow a beard, but because it is funny. Oh oh oh, or the elephant rider person.
How much water did you drink today? two Nalgene Bottles full, and yes I am peeing like crazy.
What part of the Bible to you like the most? the love chapter(s), I love love...
Do you like stuff? stuff is good.
What is your cat's full name? Princess Matilda the Super Cat. We call her Tilly, or Mrs. Bigglesworth (from X-Zip it A)...I think she prefers being called Princess, that is what she responds to. She's so fat, too...heh
Why are you preppy? (asked by my sister Karlie) can you picture me as a thug or a punk?... I didn't think so.

Well, I guess that is all I have to say for now. I want to leave you with a fun snow picture, seeing as it snowed here for the almost first time this winter. Oh and by the way YES THE ROADS ARE SLIPPERY...*sigh*

Carrie, dancing in the snow.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Wacked Out
I have the most wacked out dreams. I seem to have a crazy dream every Friday night. It's not just a dream, it's like ... creepy. Last night (in the dream) my cat was in this suit case, and she was bleeding and all this blood was pouring out of the zipper of the suitcase. Anyways I opened it up to rescue her and there were these disgusting ants that were eating her. Picture something grotesque, like from a Stephen King novel. Anyways, that was part of the dream. It gets worse, but hello...creepy subconscious, eh?!
I did something almost as frivilous as my sister buying her $400(ish) cell phone. I spent almost $40 on shampoo last night. It feels good. It is this Matrix stuff and it makes one's hair big. My hair so baby fine so all the amplification I can get is essential. But yeah, I just wanted to share that.
I think I have more to say on my last post, but more of a personal account rather than the clinical version. Just stuff that I want to share that goes on in the mind, things that anorexics become obsessed with and just more of the feeling of an eating disorder rather than the logistics of one. Anyways, that's all for now. It's Saturday and I can't believe I woke up so early. Maybe I Will enjoy the luxury of going back to bed, maybe not.
Oh, one final Post Script note: JD, I hpoe that this blog doens't have any spelling mitsakes in it, because I know how much that bugs you. Soemtimes I don't feel like I have to be grammatically correct when I sit at my comptuer and type. Usually the English major in me is reblleing. :P

Friday, December 03, 2004

Eating Disorders
I know I have written on this subject before, but it hits so close to home I feel like I should write on it again, just alittle more information this time. I am becoming more comfortable sharing this and one day I may even share the whole story, that's a maybe. I hope that you might be able to use this information.
People with Anorexia are unable to maintain a body weight that should be expected with their age, height and build. They are afraid of being fat. I don't believe that becoming fat is actually the root issue here. Mine began as a way of controlling a part of my life. I never had a weight issue before dealing with this. My family was going through turmoil and I had no way of gaining sanity for myself. Starvation and laxative use were my only hope.
There are a few ways that someone with anorexia might exhibit their disease. Periods of starvation, they will avoid food at all costs. In the case that there is a meal which they have to attend, the food may be spit into a serviette. They may also be using diet pills and laxatives which will help rid the body of the food. And they could also purge their food. Obsessive Caloric Counting, not just checking out things on a random basis, but actually making a log and counting everything from gum to toothpaste, and even absurd things like water. If you are ever in a situation where a friend that you suspect is anorexic and they ask how many calories are in water, or gum DO NOT LAUGH. They are serious. Exercise beyond the recommended amount, this is very dangerous as their heart muscle has already begun to deteriorate. I will talk alittle about this later on. Purging food, this is a self manipulation tactic. One may force themselves to throw up using their fingers, as well as pills.
According to recent statistics anorexia affects 1 in 2400 teenagers. I personally find that hard to believe.
Eating disorders are scary. When someone has one, they profusely deny that they are affected. I did for so many years. I would blame my weight loss on a fast metabolism if someone ever commented on my weight. It wasn't really until my step grandmother took me to see a nutritionist that I really clued in. That was three years ago. In knowing what was really going on, I still continued to do it; this time with an unhealthy fear of becoming fat. The nutritionist told me that my body had gone into starvation mode and would begin to eat my organs if it hadn't already. If I started to eat normally, my body would freak out and grab all the fat it could for protection. This is now where I am at. Scared to gain weight. So this issue is complicated. I am trying on one hand to get better, but on the other hand there are consequences that I am not strong enough to deal with, not at this point.
Some consequences that an anorexic person might have to deal with:
Abnormally slow heart rate
Low Blood Pressure
Changes in the Heart Muscle
Risk of Heart Failure
Electrolyte Imbalance
Reduced Estrogen Levels
Bone Density Decerase (Osteopenia)
Loss of Muscle Tone
Kidney Failure
Hair Loss
Lanugo (fine down like hair covering the body).

Osteoperosis is a major issue that I was warned about early on. This is where bones become very dense and are easily broken. It can be debilitating.
Another issue is losing one's period. Your body thinks it is going through menopause so the periods will stop. This is also a key factor in conception. It is hard for anoyone with an eating disorder, or in remission of one to conceive.
One thing we have to remember is that anorexia is not just a phase. I remember hearing someone say "it's just a phase, she'll grow out of it in time." Almost ten years later the phase is still holding. This is NOT a phase. Anorexia and Bulimia are diseases that, if not treated properly, can be extremely harmful. They live with you forever. Depending on the severity, the disease can be very devastating. The earlier the disease is caught, the better. In my case I didn't seek help until three years ago. It had finally become serious after seven years of diets, laxatives, starving and playing around with food, it finally reaches a critical point. It was hard for me to do anything especially concentrate in school. My step grandmother talked to me one day and we ended up going to a specialist. She asked me many questions (how often I went to the washroom, what my home was like, etc.) Fortunately I realized I had a real problem and it wasn't just going to go away. It was serious, but I gained a deeper knowledge of the reality of it. I realized what it could do to me, and in such a short time. One can never fully recover. I say this only to mean that if you know someone in remission you need to be very careful. They could be having a good day or even month, but the thought is still in their head. It isn't something that can be operated on or even treated with medication. It is a thought process that needs to be broken. Unfortunately shock therapy is inhumane and illegal or else I'd sign myself up.
It is essential to know the facts, although even the facts and stats are just a tiny layer of understanding such a compliacated illness.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

I have been packing up my room, my belongings having reoccuring memories of moving 3 years ago. In a sense it is a good feeling. I can't wait to move, something new, decorate a new room, stuff like that (only to move out again soon). After this my next move will be out on my own, finally. I mean, I am getting old, and my own home will be nice to have and I am rambling now.
Things have been crazy around here. The stress of moving has left everyone acting weird. I have been weird. I feel like a whole different person. It is hard to explain. I wanted to start this blog out on a nice positive note, you know. But the things I have to say are kind of harsh. It's not directed towards anyone, not at all. I have just been working on some research, and also still struggling in an area and I just want to share that, share my findings, share my feelings. Stuff like that.
Anyways, I know all my blogs so far have been just quick and whatever...I will get typing soon.
Oh JD, by the way, Melba told me that she was feeding her cat medicine today and she decided to try some. Anyways, that's it that's all :)

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Worm Dust