Sanctuary: A Vehement Discourse

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Don't Mind if I Do

I am trying to think of a new name for this place. 'A Room of One's Own' just doesn't seem inviting. Actually, I hate repetition and frankly it is just getting on my nerves. If you can think of a new name, feel free to leave your suggestions.
I have nothing really interesting to post. I am just sitting here with my Jone's Soda and taking care of my cousin. Emergency babysitting sucks, but my cousin is cute. She keeps yelling at me...and she is watching Shrek 2, lovely :)
I really want to share my super awesome, exciting news but. . .I also kind of want to wait a bit. We'll see. . .y'all might just have to hold on a bit.
Anyways I am rambling and I am not really making any sense.
(my cousin just asked me why my name was Erica. . .how does one respond to that?). Ok, blah blah blah. . .*sigh* boring. I'll shut up now. Pictures, they are coming :)
posted by ria at 6:23 PM | link

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I Don't Really Care if They Lable Me a Jesus Freak

I watched Napoleon Dynamite about a kazillion times and there is one part where they are doing sign language to "The Rose" a Bette Midler song. That song is stuck in my head and no matter how hard I try, it won't come out. Please bear with me as I try to make it through another post in that condition.
I am trying to avoid drugs today. Drugs have been the topic of conversation lately. It began while sitting in my grandmother's living room and my mom burst out saying "I signed up for drugs today!" She seemed rather excited. If you can picture my mother you know how wrong and how out of place that statement is. She said it so calm and collectedly. Anyways, after laughing at her for about an hour she finally told us that she had to sign up for programs for her grade 6 class. Something like the D.A.R.E program, I guess.*End Digression* So, My wisdom tooth is coming in, finally. I don't have to get it pulled thank God, but it hurts a lot. My whole face just aches. I want to take Tylenol but everytime I do, it knocks me out.
Anyways, I promised pictures (I know I know). I haven't scanned them yet. I am thinking that I will early next week. I am really busy this weekend, so I will try and get that done for this week.
I really should find more interesting things to blog about. I just have had writers block lately. I get that every so often.

. . .some say love, it is a river. . .UG! can anyone get this song out of my head?!?!?!?!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Till I Hear it From You

I got my pictures developed yesterday, and boy was I ever excited. It was like reliving the weekend all over again. As soon as I get them scanned I will share them. I am amazed at how beautiful the landscape was up North and how well it was captured on film. Everything was white and there was a total of 30cm of snow (if I am correct). It was just outstanding.
While at the retreat I watched a five minute segement of The Passion of the Christ. Words cannot describe what happened in my heart during that part. I still find it hard to talk about, even now, and I only saw five minutes of that film. It was the part where Jesus was being beaten with the sticks, and then the whip with pieces of bone. I couldn't stop shaking and crying. I told myself I would never watch that film because I can't handle things like that, but even that small bit really had an influence on me. It redefined the word 'love', it redefined 'redemption', it redefined how I view Jesus. I have always found it alittle difficult to accept that God loves me. I didn't really understand the concept. Growing up in church I was always taught that Jesus was some mean guy in heaven, ready to smite me down if I did one little thing wrong. I didn't see how a loving Jesus could let people suffer the way I knew people were. I didn't see how a loving Jesus could let things happen to me that would stay with me for the rest of my life. I realized this weekend that a loving Jesus paid an indescribable sacrifice to die in humilation of a cross, one of the worst possible deaths of the time. Jesus loved me that much, that He would die for me so that I could get to heaven. I was on His mind as He drew His final breath, you were on His mind as He cried out "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." He loved us so much that His heart literally burst for us. I understand now. I understand now.
I am not sure what happened inside my heart this weekend. I have a lot to sort out and the reality of coming home and having responsibilities has hit me, but I do know that something has changed.
I don't know how to end this, I guess sometimes it is best to just not say anything at all.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

I had the most amazing weekend ever. I love youth so much. Oh my gosh. They are so flipping hyper and just. . .wow. I just got back so I really can't write much. I will post and put up pictures once I have had enough sleep. I am unable to make a coherent thought without saying/thinking the words "friggin, flippin, oh my gosh, no way, phat, sick, shut up, peace out, etc." The language has gotten to me. Anyways, I will post more in a bit ;)

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard

First things first:"The four most important words in any marriage are 'I'll do the dishes"' I'm sorry but I had to quote that ;)

Just another addendum before I officially end this post: If you have done any researching on the subconscious I would love to hear about it. I have a horrid habit of talking in my sleep. I am thinking of taping myself one of these days. Anyways, I am just wondering if that has any connection to dreams, subconscious, Freud . . .etc. (stay tuned for a post on my ramblings).

Weather is crazy, run by its own agenda, its own master, its own seperate standards. We try to understand it, but it just laughs at us. I don't understand how one day it can rain and pour and be humid and the next day there be 10 cm of snow on the ground. Can someone explain to me how that works? I enjoy nature, I enjoy fluctuating weather conditions, but this? It is just weird. Yesterday I sat down here to continue typing up some Atwood information and I was in a tee shirt and jeans. It was rather warm, no kidding. Today I am bundled up in two blankets, a sweater, some thermal underwear, thermal socks, slippers and a hat. The heat is turned way up, but I am chilled to the bone.
I was excited yesterday when it was raining. I love rain, everything about it is beautiful. It smells so promising. One of my favourite things to do is sit outside in a thunderstorm and just think. I have cds with rainstorms recorded so that when it is not raining I can still listen to the sounds. I didn't get to sit out yesterday because by the time I got home, I had to leave again.
My thoughts have turned towards this upcoming weekend. Nerves are starting to get to me. I am surprised because I really don't get nervous, not anymore. I am just thinking of these kids who are 15-19 and how hyped up they are and how mellow and not so hyper I am. I have already stared to pump my system full of sugar, just in case. Stephanie is on antibiotics to combata cold she is fighting. Actually it is a pretty bad infection. She is the lead singer on the team (of three members) and she lost her voice less then a week ago. Pray for us as we venture out into unknown territory. None of us are really keen on the teenagers. They scare us actually. Things have changed so much since we were that age. No seriously, they have. Pray for us.
I just looked out the window, it has started to snow again. Bloody heck, why doesn't it just go away?!?!?!? I should take some pictures to post.
If I don't post between now and the time I get back, have a great rest of the week, and weekend.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

MaryJane's Last Dance

I took a break, I know. It was kind of unexpected, but I did spend my time doing important things, let me tell you!
I booked a test to get the final part of my license. Here in Canadia it takes like 3 test s to finally be able to drive completely. I have my license but have to get this final one, and basically with this, the only difference is now I can have like .07 ml of alcohol in my system. Yippee?! I am an awesome driver, and I have like tonnes of freeway/highway experience, so I am not too worried. I am going to try and get my motorcycle license though, I know you can't see me on a Harley, but I want to get a Honda Jazz, a cute scooter (whoo hoo).
Anyways, I don't have enough time to do a post justice, so I will close.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

It's Exactly What You Think

I can barely walk. Why? Oh because in my limited knowledge of being fit and healthy I decided to reduce my risk of heart attack and stroke by controlling my health now. That was a pretty way of saying I have decided to take and hour power walk everyday. I can walk to and from work and it takes me an hour. I thought it was a great idea. Apparently my legs didn't. Two days passed so far and I have kept to my plan, but man does it ever hurt. No pain, no gain though, I suppose. I will have buns of steel though, you wait and see. People will be lining up to take a look (or a touch, I am sure).

I watched melting snow today. I sat in my living room, in my favourite chair just watching water run into the sewer system. It was beautiful. The same melting snow is going to be water that nourishes plants in the springtime. The same water that will provide me with refreshment in the heat of the summer, the same water that will wash the leaves of their green pigment during a time when the sky is painted with bright oranges and reds. This same water that brought me so much anger will be the same water that nourishes in future time. This reminds me of life. Situations that cause us anger and frustration will be the same situations in future years that will bring us joy; we will be able to see through the veil of tears, grab a hold of what is pure and be able to help others who see no end in sight.

Three months ago a situation happened leaving a family and many friends empty, causing an uproar of hellish circumstances to turn their lives upside down. Pray for peace, even now.

Ten years ago I had my first thought of starvation. The beginning urges in a downward spiral. Each day I listened to the monster and gave into its desires leaving a family confused, a life broken, in need of healing.

Such is the water I observed this morning. Substance that caused me such madness, such intensity, an unbearable anxiety . . . melting away, streaming away to a place where it can be purified and made whole, healthy so that is can make others healthy.

Don't you feel like sometimes you are constantly being hit by things that seem unbearable to you, but in your strength you stand tall and bear it to the end? Your life an emotional mess? The only thing you can do is cry "God, how could you?" I feel it, I know what it is like. Even now, I know what it is like. This is just a season, it could be a very long one, or a short one, but in the next season whatever happens now will be of great impact.

I think of that as I go and speak at this youth retreat. In today's society, as it has been for most of the 20th and 21st centuries, beauty prevails, looks are what really matter. Anorexia is the latest diet. So many girls have this unhealthy image of themselves and what they want to look like. It plagues everyone, don't tell me you have never felt some sort of beauty anxiety in your life? Some girls just fall into the trap and the season I went through may bring nourishment to these young girls.

I let my mind wander today as I observed nature. I do that often. Take life lessons out of nature.

If you need anything today, ask for it. Reach out.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

My Cat Likes My Husband

I hate concentrating on being in a specific mood and then being startled by weird, random things (like a cat licking my toes). Weird.

If I scared anyone on my previous post, I am sorry. I just wrote how I felt. I still feel the same way, but am working on fixing it, no worries.

I am tired, maybe I will write more later. I really need sleep. These 3 A.M. things (for lack of a better word) are making me really sleepy (*cough JD cough*)

Here is something I found on Scott's blog (thanks!)
It's all about senior year of highschool. Whooppee.
[What year was it?]
1998 (I think)

[What were your three favorite bands?]
U2, oh my gosh I can't even think . . . oh dc talk and, Green Day

[What was your favorite outfit?]
Flare pants and my Tommy Girl shirt

[What was up with your hair?]
Long. I kind of liked it.

[Who were your best friends?]
Sarah and Ian

[What did you do after school?]
well my senior year was in Portugal, I went to the beach, ate Portuguese food and went to this huge friggin shopping mall.

[Did you take the bus?]
I took the subway.

[Who did you have a crush on?]
Filip Quina (as I look at the pictures now I am like . . .man I must have really liked his personality, he had a uni brow).

[Did you fight with your parents?]
My mother and I didn't fight that often. Only on a few issues, and usually I was right (wink wink)

[Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?]
I don't remember, we are talking like 6 years ago. I don't even remember what movies were out then? But I was never one for liking the young actors, so I probably had a crush on Sean Connery . . . I think I still do.

[Did you smoke cigarettes?]
no not then

[Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker?]
I didn't have a locker. I went to this small private school and there really was no need. I had a book bag.

[Did you have a 'clique'?]
yeah I did. Me and a bunch of others who could afford to take the subway to the underground place where we'd all hang out. It got pretty expensive after a while. My clique was cool though.

[Did you have "The Max" like Zach Kelly and Slater?]
nope, I had "the rachel" like Rachel Green from Friends

[Admit it, were you popular?]
I was in the popular group, so as far as I know . . .

[Who did you want to be just like?]
I didn't really want to be like anyone. I was big on uniqueness (just like everyone else)

[What did you want to be when you grew up?]
A doctor

[Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?]
med school

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Hungry?

I have a tonne of mixed emotions as I write this blog. Actually I could be experiencing all emotions at once. Not that I am hormonal right now or anything, it's just the circumstances of life that are causing this odd chemical reaction in my brain, and wherever else.
I have been very depressed lately. If I even came close to explaining anything you'd probably have me in a bubble room at the nearest Mental Institution. I am not kidding. It is in these vulnerable moments when Satan plants these outrageous thoughts into our minds. At night there is a scene of a battlefield taking place in my mind. I am constantly in this weird sort of anguish. Last night was by far the worst I have experienced lately. I honestly pleaded for God to let me go in my sleep. I had my mind set, no more, no more. I can't do it anymore. I can't be pushed to my limits and have people expecting more. I had had enough. I am not in any way emotionally unstable. I just have limits. It is in these moments where I feel like I am being controlled. This causes me to refuse food. I am almost kicking myself saying don't do this, you are past this monster, don't do it. But I can't help it. I pray daily that there will be a chasm between me and this thing that wants to grab me again. I am vulnerable and it won't leave me alone.
On the other end of the emotional scale I have this excitement going on inside. I am leading worship at a youth confrence in a few weeks. It is this winter retreat weekend and I am pumped. The whole theme is Identity Transformation. The 'IT' weekend. I can't even begin to explain how I feel when I lead worship. In the whole section above I talk about how awful I feel, but when I worship . . . none of that seems to matter at all. I am honoured to be able to lead youth to the throne of God. I am thrilled to be able to worship the creator of the universe, offering a sweet smelling fragrance of worship to Him, who gave me life that I may live it more abundantly. Worship the God whose will is for me to prosper and not to fail, even in things like my identity, my eating disorder, my life. My heart leaps at the chance to honour such a beautiful God.
Everything is spinning. I flip from one to the other. Frustrated to excited. In typing that I am reminded of God's deliverance. He delivered the Israelites out of Egypt (and around the mountain they went . . .) Is there ever a moment when you earnestly seek God's deliverance, His peace . . . just to know His arms are wrapped around you, even now. It doesn't matter what you are going through, it doesn't even matter who you are, what sins you have committed, it doesn't matter. God desires to love you, embrace you, heal you. I am speaking to myself as well. I often run away from God thinking why did you cause this event to happen, why are you allowing certain things to take place. Sometimes I just need that gentle reminder that He is here (I will never leave you nor forsake you), that I don't have to worry (be anxious for nothing). I crave that post worship service feeling. The one where you know the Holy Spirit is right there. It is almost tangible. I crave it.

Please see me through this valley
Take my hand as I overcome the mountains
Help me float when the waters of life o're throw me
Give me wings to fly
Such is the cry of my heart.
Where your spirit is there is freedom
Breathe oh breath of life
Reviving these dry bones
Let me soar on the wings of eagles
Help me run and never faint.
I will stand in this valley and praise you
On the mountain tops I will shout for joy.
Take all of me
Empty me.