Sanctuary: A Vehement Discourse

Thursday, March 31, 2005

They Painted Up My Secret

She lifts the bottle of coke up to her lips, takes a swig and tightens the cap. Her gooey, cheese covered fingers pop in her mouth as she sucks them clean. She sits under the skylight and smiles as the people walk by. They are all her best friends. She reaches in and grabs another cheese ball and looks back at me smiling; her teeth covered in the sticky mess. I smile and wave back noticing her long salt and pepper coloured hair is done differently then normal. Everyday is the same for her. Sitting on the bench, bag of cheese balls, bottle of coke and an odd fascination with her teeth and ears. Fridays are her McDonald's days. She sits with her mother eating away in sheer delight. Only for the few outbursts of anger, as the mayo drips from her burger, she is relatively happy. She is sunshine. Her low, monotone voice lets me know she is mentally handicapped. Everything seems so wrong, but to her, everything is just the way it should be.
part of my daily observations

Sometimes I don't feel like posting. Really, I think it is more like sometimes I don't feel like doing anything. Blogging is a sort of sanctuary for me. I get to write how I feel about politics, literature, and how I feel personally. I don't feel judged by the people who read this, because it is my own spot, my own cyber sanctuary. If you say something that I don't like, I have the option of deleting it and blocking you from ever commenting. Fortunately, I haven't had to do this often. Wouldn't it be nice of we could do that in real life? Someone or something is bothering us, so we click a button and the situation vanishes into thin air. I would really appreciate a life function button like that.

My mother always told me that there will be people who come in opposition to the way I think and how I run my life. There won't always be nice people helping me along in my journey, which I quickly found out. She told me to develop thick skin, alligator skin, so that when opposition and hurt occurs, I won't take it so personally. Ideally, I still hope for a delete button, a tunnel of escape, a way out. For now, discontentment is my companion.

I am itching to leave, to go to the water, feel the waves against my bare ankles. I want to feel its healing, soothing embrace. I want to feel whole. Things seem so foreign to me right now. Things are happening that I am not used to, that I am not prepared for, that I have never planned. Oh, to turn back that hands of time.
posted by ria at 10:29 PM | link

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

My Paper Heart Will Bleed

Have you ever been so nervous that you think you might puke? I'm not talking butterflies here, this is full blown bulldozers. How do you get rid of the feeling? I've never really encountered nervousness before. I was born on the stage, I've been infront of audiences since I was little- nerves of steel. Now, as I face situations surrounding these next few months, weeks even, I can't help but feel anxious. My insides are freaking out.

I think the snow is officially gone. We touched a high of 15 degrees today, and the ground is mushy. The only snow visible is the pile outside of the hockey arena. We made it thru another winter, another dead season. I somewhat miss the snow covered tree tops. The view from my bedroom window was just phenomenal. I took pictures, which I will share. Once the leaves start budding on the trees and the daffodils emerge from the brown, any vision of winter that I ever loved will be diminished.

Picture This:
Finally, the scanner is fixed and I can post pictures!!! This is much better then me rambling on about nothing, trust me.

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This is the amount of snow accumulated after one single snow fall (courtesy of my backyard).
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The view from my bedroom window.
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It's a blimp, no wait. . .it's my cat :)
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Andy and I on our way to the youth retreat.
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Stephy and I making snow angels.
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Pearl, just for Sarah :)

Friday, March 25, 2005

Lady Windermere I Presume?

I have found it hard to get back into the swing of things. After being sick, I just can't seem to function like I want to. I just feel like sleeping, still. I haven't done any reading besides some Shakespeare lately, so my posts are nothing spectacular, just mundane everydayness. I finished my '100 Things About Me' list. Not that it matters or anything, I will be posting the list further down.

I learned a beautiful Evanescence song on the piano today. I had been meaning to learn it for some time, but never got around to it. I may also post the lyrics. I have posted them before, but for some reason the song stood out to me today and really struck a chord. Anyways, I shall now present to you:

100 Things About the Author (in no specific order)

1. I love live theatre, especially the Shakespeare plays.
2. I know the Heiroglyphic alphabet.
3. I swear I didn't learn it for fun. It was for a class.
4. I have a weird saddistic side to me-but only in a few instances. Now I've got you wondering, eh?! My bathroom floor is waxed slippery. Everytime someone goes in there they slip and have to grab onto the counter. I find it slightly amusing.
5. I love my cat. I picked her because she was the only cat that would jump from the barn loft and grab onto the cow's tails and swing. She has spunk and is just so cute and cuddly.
6. I dislike hair, especially leg hair. I will not ever let mine grow, not even in the winter.
7. I dislike (underline dislike) the taste of coconut. However, I have coconut candles, and coconut body butter.
8. I haven't been able to define myself philosophically. I thought I was a realist, but I do tend to lean on idealism at times.
9. I like nature. I am not a hippy, but I do find my peace surrounded by trees and water.
10. I am afraid of needles. This is deeply rooted in my childhood. My mother was a crack whore and my father was a dealer. No. . . actually, when I broke my arm the doctors gave me this mother of all needles. It hurt. A lot. Never, ever will I get another needle. And i.v's-forget it.
11. I go to church but I am not a Bible Pimp. I don't like to shove it in peoples faces. That is not nice.
12. I love wearing jeans.
13. I try to have my camera with me at all times.
14. Based solely on my music collection, one would not know how to describe me. I listen to everything from Beethoven to Snoop Dogg.
15. I am fascinated with the brain. Originally, I went into school with a focus on psychology, but it changed overtime. I regret the change to a degree. I became more interested in people being feeling creatures, one's with emotions and stuff like that. Psychology, to me, seemed to clinical, and unattached. Don't worry, it makes sense to me.
16. The only subject I dislike is math. Everything else is great.
17. I regret not getting a TB test so I could work at the hospital. Dumb fear of needles kept me from an awesome job.
18. Uncertainty scares me.
19. Running away is my answer to all life's problems. Bad, I know. Just think of all the possibilities
20. I have never played with toys. My mother bought me Barbies and all that, but I was more interested in hiding under the blankets with a book.
21. When I was 4 I used to visit my elderly neighbour. She let me play her piano and convinced my parents to give me lessons.
22. There is never a moment when I am not listening to music or humming.
23. I sing alto. I can sing soprano, but that is really stretching it.
24. When I play the piano, sometimes I don't hear music, but waves crashing along the shore. It is amazing.
25. As much as I like going out to have fun, staying in with a good book and a blanket is what I prefer.
26. I like to create hideaways.
27. Big, old churches and castles amaze my eyes. There is so much history to uncover.
28. I like doors. They can be so unique.
29. Languages are cool. I'd like to be fluent in 10 before I die. So far I know English, French, alittle Portuguese and some Latin.
30. I like shrimp, but not really any other fish.
31. I adore Meryl Streep. I would love to have the full collection of her films. She is so brilliant.
32. I am very fond of guitar players. There is so much one can do with the guitar.
33. I am a J Crew nerd.
34. I've always been 40 trapped in a kid body. My inner child is like 65, no doubt.
35. I like the burning sensation of toothpaste.
36. I don't do well at organized sports. Besides volleyball, I tend to run away from flying balls and pucks.
37. Drivers on cell phones make me very angry.
38. I don't like yogurt, but I do enjoy cottage cheese and oranges.
39. I don't like the smell of petrol.
40. English 3. . .umm. . .Shakespeare (361?) was my favourite course. Remember that one student that had to be laughed at? "How do I know if I'm ovulating?" . . .oh man, good times. And Kate was so evil! Getting 100% on all the quizzes even though she read none of the text!
41. I get scared of repetition.
42. I've never had poofy hair. I was blessed with thin hair genes. That means I can never leave my house without insane amounts of products in my hair :) Yippee!
43. I don't like guys who carry combs in their back pockets. I think that is sleazy.
44. I enjoy the colour pink when it is done tastefully.
45. My bedroom is blue. When clean, it can be a very soothing place.
46. Crying babies disturb me. Not in the "shut up. kid!" way, but in the "please tell me what you want" way.
47. I can't watch World Vision. It makes me cry.
48. I have never seen the full "Passion of the Christ" film. I probably won't. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
49. Everything lately makes me cry, it's odd.
50. I often wonder what life would be like if things were normal. I would love to sit and talk to Margaret Atwood about this topic. She has some pretty amazing ideas of a totalitarian society (more dystopian, if anything).
51. I hate celebrating my birthday
52. I get nervous when people talk with their hands. I think they are going to knock something over, or hit me.
53. Signs are funny. We have one sign (billboard) here that reads: "March is Kidney Month, donate generously" -why do I find that funny? It sounds so weird.
54. I think Paris Hilton is trashy, and don't even get me started on Jessica Simpson.
55. My mother has instilled proper etiquette into me, sometimes I fail to activate it.
56. I don't like robots. I am glad I'm not one. YAY!
57. I have a sock fetish.
58. The house on the movie "Something's Gotta Give" is my dream house. The simplicity of it, the built in library, the ocean in the back. . .paradise.
59. I like saying words like "fork" and letting them roll off my tongue.
60. I like using different accents. My latest is recorded on my cellphone voicemail. It is funny.
61. I have never taken my roll as the eldest child. I do protect my brother and sister, but in terms of personality. . .I am the passive one, whereas my sister (the youngest) is more aggresive.
62. I am not naturally a talker. I lean more towards observation and listening. I am very attracted to people who are colourful talkers, they make me jealous.
63. I've started to enjoy touching. That sounds weird, but I was an 'at arms length' person. No hugging, etc. Situations have changed that.
64. The Socratic Method of teaching nearly gives me a heart attack. French class, for example!!!! I hate to be put on the spot. If I know the answer I don't mind sharing it, but don't catch me off guard.
65. I lick my lips a lot - they taste so good!
66. There is only one person that can make me laugh until my stomach hurts. Other than that, I just sort of quietly giggle. (JD you crazy weird-o).
67. I don't like cake, cookies, pie, tarts, chocolate or anything like that. My sweet tooth can only be satisfied with Starbursts and Skittles. Oh and ice cream, yum!
68. I hate watching the news, it scares me.
69. JD's job scares me. I try not to think about the possibilities and "what ifs", but it is always on my mind. Sometimes it even makes me cry (go figure).
70. I love balmy, summer nights. The sound of bugs chirping and the stars are just so reassuring.
71. Black is my favourite colour to wear. It generally looks nice on everyone.
72. I've never tanned. My skin is so bloody pale, it burns.
73. I get really passionate about certain issues (like eating disorders, cancer, anything to do with children-abuse, education, etc.)
74. Generally I like animals, but I will run away from squirrels, elephants, snakes, rats, spiders, bats and ligers. (There is nothing more scary than a ticked off liger!!)
75. call me shallow, but I like cars.
76. I like shopping, and then I don't like it. If I know what I want, I like shopping. I just can't wander around the mall aimlessly.
77. I don't wear jewelery besides a ring. In the summer I wear hemp necklaces. That's it.
78. Bookstores fascinate me.
79. I want to own one.
80. Sometimes when I was little, I would fake not being sick so I could go to school. I was a nerd.
81. The only time I have ever skipped was when I started university. I mostly skipped my Canadian History class. It was a three hour night class, and the professor couldn't teach. It was hard to take notes. I only showed up to write the test, hand in my paper and write the final. Everything was taken from the test, so passing well was no problem.
82. I don't like being interrupted when I am reading. Just please, please wait until I am finished.
83. I disliked that fact that at Redeemer, unless you lived on campus, there was nowhere quiet to read. Yes, there was the library, but the smell of musty old Dutch books was overwhelming. I liked the G-Spot (don't ask). It was relatively quiet up there.
84. When alarms go off I panic and freeze.
85. I have purple fingers and toes. It's weird.
86. I love Tommy Hilfiger jeans, and American Eagle jeans as well (they fit my butt nicely).
87. I like oatmeal with cinnamon and sliced apples.
88. I used to tell my sister that crazy things would happen to her if she kissed boys. It was my way of protecting her from getting hurt. It didn't work.
89. Sometimes I have to read lips to understand what people are saying.
90. I used to think it was very old ladyish to carry a purse until I found the one I use now. Sarah picked it out, I love it!
91. After reading through this list, I am finding myself to be quite boring. I will make the next nine points more interesting.
92. I've only hallucinated once (good to know, eh?)
93. I hate pushing grocery carts. The thought of it makes me barfy.
94. I don't often tell people I love them. Consider yourself lucky if I have ever said it to you. This sounds odd. . . I just don't let myself love to often.
95. In my desire to help, I poisoned my friend once. She sliced her finger cutting cabbage.
96. I love Ralph Lauren and Diesel products. I think they make amazing fragrances and clothing. My Diesel glasses are sick!
97. I like doing weird things just to say I did them. Like kiss the Sydney Opera House. That place is beautiful.
98. I am not a big fan of animal print.
99. I could listen to classical and opera music all day.
100. I am not a very exciting person. *Phew* this is over.

. . . anyways, that's it, that's all. I never want to do that again. I have an affinity for lists, but that was insane.

I don't want to end this with Happy Easter because that sounds weird. So, I will just say enjoy the holiday respectfully.

We are working at fixing the scanner this weekend, so I might post pictures. Yay! We'll see.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005


My sister and I were messing around with the web cam today. I just thought I would post a picture to show y'all how cute she is. She looks older, it's the make up I think, but heck, she is adorable :)
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I will post more later tonight. I just got home from work, I need a break. Oh and Kay, I watched the video to the song we were discussing. . . we should really learn how to dance like that, fo shizzel :) I was laughing so hard listening to it.
So I woke up this morning, looked outside and what to my wondering eyes should appear SNOW!!!!!!!!!!! Why is it Spring, and we still have blizzards? Stupid snow. Just when I decided it is time to put all my winter clothes away we get sub zero weather, bloody heck!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Prelude to a Sob

I am still alittle barfy at the moment (sorry, barfy . . . not really a word, but who is marking this?). Things are still not coherent, so if this sounds spacy or weird, just bear with me.
JD and I finished watching "Monster" and oh my goodness, was it ever an amazing movie. I hated it so much. Charlize, the ever so beautiful, was just outstanding. I cried through the whole movie. I heard it was scary, so I made sure JD was with me, and I begged for the lights to be on, they weren't. I cuddled under the blankets waiting for some sort of Texas Chainsaw Massacre like scariness, but it never happened. I don't want to ruin the movie, but I do recommend it. It will make you mad. I was holding in the sobs by the end of the movie. JD fell asleep (not because he was ignorant, he was just super tired). Just watch it. It deals with rape and prostitution, so becareful who you watch it with.
Anyways, I need to change the subject. I decided to work on one of those obligatory '100 things about me' that every blogger has. I did have one for the other blog, but it was kind of dumb. Funny thing though, I can't even come up with ten things.
My head and thoughts are really jumpy tonight, lately, now. Lots. . . lots of things are going on, there is so much to share, but I don't feel like sharing it, not here, not now. Do you ever have those moments when you feel like there is so much going on, and you get overwhelmed? That is how I feel. I can't handle that feeling, I kind of don't like it. Life makes you feel so small at times, so small.
I sat at my piano for five minutes today, just to let myself go. I played that Evanescence song oh I forget what it is called. . . "these words don't seem to heal. . .this pain is just to real". . . anyways, it reminded me of old times, weird.
Well, I am done. My headphones are on and music is blaring. I need to do some paper editing.

Find me in the river, find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul layed bare
Even though you're gone and I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the river, I'm waiting there.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Sometimes I have nothing to say, like today for instance. Nothing all to important to share. I did spend my weekend on the sofa near the washroom. Being sick gets really boring sometimes.

Here's something to read until I feel better and can post normal things

1. I went into highschool
2. ran away with only a bag of popcorn
3. had a really dumb friend that made me do really dumb things (like ride my bike into a parked car)
4. wondered if I would ever go through puberty
5. figured Iwouldn't because I still had my kiddish figure (and would till until I was 17)

1. I started University
2. made a whole tonne of new friends
3. went flying with Hannah (not actually flying, kind of intoxicated flying)
4. tried to teach myself how to play the guitar
5. did a whole bunch of weird things that first years do.

1. made a decision that I haven't ever regretted
2. went to see a doctor
3. was legal drinking age
4. took some pretty crazy University classes
5. Met JD

1. ran back and forth to the bathroom
2. layed on the sofa watching figure skating with JD
3. took a really long hot shower and got back into my pj's.
4. talked with my sister (we sounded like Italian Mob bosses "I luff you" "What you say you luff me, I don't know"?)
5. slept a lot

1. woke up
2. ran to the bathroom
3. blogged
4. listenend to music
5. tried to wake JD up (. . . all before 9:10 A.M.)

1. American Eagle and Campus Crew Jeans
2. Jacob Formal wear
3. La Senza (for the underneath wear)
4. Bonne Bell "lip smackers" anything
5. Clinique Make up

1. nachos and salsa
2. pretzels and mustard
3. skittles
4. apples
5. cashews

1. sweat pants when I feel like crap (they have to be cute though...can't have ugly sweat pants)
2. my family
3. certain friends
4. my Bible
5. underwear

1. that's not really a lot of money. . .umm I would buy lots of clothes
2. a new camera
3. Korg Triton LE digital Piano
4. shoes
5. music, sheet and disc

1. snapping my gum
2. chewing the inside of my cheek
3. applying lip gloss/chapstick every five minutes
4. being anal about what I touch. . . like grocery carts, public washroom doors, and other things
5. thinking ahead

1. those disgusting track suits (for princesses)
2. high heels
3. ripped anything

1. CSI: Miami
2. The Olympics (whenever they come on)
3. Extreme Make-Over: Home Edition-it makes me cry

1. B.Dot
2. Portugal
3. Simcoe for a bit

1. Erica
2. Ekkers
3. Ria

1. Canadian (in many aspects)
2. Dutch
3. whatever else

1. the upcoming future
2. failure
3. pain

1. Time (essential for me, I like to think and ponder about situations and how I will react)
2. Cleanliness
3. Love

1. red old navy t-shirt
2. radio active blue pj pants
3. a blanket

1. Evanescence
2. Plumb
3. Delirious

1. "Imagine", John Lennon
2. "October", Evanescence.
3. "Frail", Jars of Clay

1. driving a long distance
2. a tan
3. I don't know. . .

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order)
1. My cat is thirty five pounds
2. I ate octopus
3. I got lost in one of the busiest cities in Europe, only to get on the wrong subway and get even more lost and end up close to Spainand ended up meeting a bunch of friends I went to school with who were headed in the direction I was trying to go.

1. whistle
2. wear lipstick...
3. listen to punk music. . . it gives me a headache

3 CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING (in no particular order)
1. hospice nursing
2. counsellor
3. mother (is that a career?)

1. France
2. Mayan Riviera
3. NYC

1. Abigail
2. Sophia
3. Elijah

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Total Recall

Saturday Addendum:
I heard a beautiful song this morning. I want to share just a small portion of it:
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
~Casting Crowns

(written at work)
I was going to begin this post by saying "on days like today", but really, there has never been a day like today. Sure, I am sitting in the same spot as yesterday, but today is much different. The sun is hanging at a different angle, I have different clothes on, my hair is up, etc. Everything is different, although the same. So, I will begin my post by saying " today finds me doing similar things to yesterday." I am perched on my stool right behind the cappuccino machine, listening to my music, waiting for the next customer. Evidently my favourite song is playing on the computer. There is a steady drum beat keeping me relaxed, and thoughtful violins singing in the distance. I am quite relaxed. My mind is elsewhere- I ponder life, a life, Spring, nothing.
The sun is pouring through the windows in the mall; it makes me want to get out my bathingsuit and oil, get a head start on my summer burn. I have to perfect that! I can't wait until the ground thaws and I can go play in the dirt. I think I might plant flowers galore this year. Flowers everywhere, buckets and buckets of them.
Everyone that passes the store looks somewhat relieved, happy even. Layers have been shed, and a though there is little snow, nothing is being tracked in, no boots are clomping along, the squeekie winter boot noise is hibernating until next year. My desire to leave and go to the waterside is ever present. The sound of waves is what my ears long to hear. I want to sit in flip flops and a towel, eating fries soaked in malt vinegar.
"Days like today" remind me that life goes on. It is always darkest before dawn. Although sometimes it doesn't feel like things will change, we have to grab onto the one thing that will bring us that much more joy, even if it is just to smile. Even if it is sharing in someone else's joy, or bringing them happiness. My joy is inward today, hard to explain, but easy to grasp. nothing I want to share at the moment, in time though.
I don't know what life is handing you, I don't know if it is more than you can handle, I don't know if you need someone to talk to, or an outlet? Maybe you need some joy? By all means-do whatever it takes.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Expectantly Nervous

Unsinkable Soul noun. 1. Person who faces any challenge with hope, humour, and heart. See stick-to-it-ness. See perseverance. See pit bull. Se also victory.

I am trying to go somewhere with this post. So far, I have deleted and started over three times. Maybe I will just list what I want to say, you can fill in the blanks. And on second thought, I don't even want to do that.

I keep getting hit by waves of nausea and chills. My rainstorm cd is playing loudly in the background, it is soothing. My head is crying out for my pillow, and yet I don't feel tired. My mind is to concerned about its thoughts to even entertain rest. My emotions are spastic. I have been taking these herbal pills that are said to help whatever it is that needs help. Iron, B12, Folic Acid, Lecithin, and some green pill that tastes like wheat. I feel like a hippy. Not that I am all doped up and have arm pit hair, but like I should be eating tree bark or something. What I really need is Tylenol, but I am not allowed to have that right now. It wouldn't be a good idea anyways.

I ate a large meal tonight. Almost too large, but I was on a date, and it was on the list of requirements. Chicken Parmigiana and Spaghetti (and some beer, heavy on the root*wink wink*). The spaghetti began to get on my nerves (I got cranky, ok, so what!), and decided it wasn't worth eating, so. . .I just ate the chicken. Then I went grocery shopping. Lesson #8, 982: Never grocery shop on a full stomach, the amount of food intake visually will cause more nausea, and one might also develop weird food cravings, such as breaded shrimp and ice cream. Yep, weird. I know.

Ok, since I am babbling about things that set me off today, I have to mention working at the coffee shop. I like working there. However, it is March break (read: KIDS GALORE!). The thought of pouring another sugar shot makes me want to barf (go figure). We have these Torani syrups in crazy flavours like Mandarin Orange, French Vanilla, Italian Egg Nog, etc. We are talking straight sugar here people. These kids come in for a shot glass full, and I don't know how many I served today, but by the end of my shift I wanted to take the Torani bottles and smash them. This desire for an out burst is not normal for me, so Craig, you have nothing to worry about. Your store is under control, no worries.

I feel this blog took an unusual turn. Pardon my angriness. It is temporary, I can assure you that. I think when I read over this post, after I publish it, I will think to myself. . .whoa girl, chill out! Meh, I am actually cracking a bit of a smile now.

You know how I keep promising these winter pictures, and pictures of the snow in my back yard, and other pictures. . .the scanner needs to be fixed or something, something JD will know how to do. So, no pictures as of yet. Maybe next week? I don't know?

I have a few new obsessions:
Songs: Imagine (John Lennon), Frail (Jars of Clay)
Hazelnut/Vanilla Bean Lattes from William's[yes I know, not my coffee shop, but I am very picky with my taste in coffee (which reminds me, I should lay off the java for a while)]
Watching movies with the dude until we fall asleep
Smelling my hands, they really smell good . . . I don't know what it is?
tank tops
Jags and Mitsubishi Eclipses
. . .weird, I know.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Beautiful Nothingness

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Sunday, March 13, 2005

Dill Pickle Chip Nuts

I've calmed down significantly. My blood pressure is down, I don't find myself in a state of delirium, and my breathing is regular. *phew* I just have this stupid headache that won't go away, and no matter what amount of bed rest I give myself, it still pounds. Whatever, I'll live.
I got my hair cut yesterday. It was supposed to be a trim, but ended up being a full out cut. I also dyed my hair. My hairstylist Stephy is leaving for Montreal for two weeks, so I decided to colour my hair myself. What a mistake! It is so dark, I feel gothic, with my pasty white skin, icy eyes, and now the dark hair. Whoopsie! I should just through some highlights in it I guess. I'll have to get a picture of this, it looks odd, in a nice way.
JD is gone right now. He started a mortar class today (Sunday of all days)!! He has to leave the house at 4 A.M. and probably won't get home until around 6 P.M. He gets paid a lot of money so he doesn't mind that way, but I start to miss him after a while. This 4 A.M. crap is only lasting for the week, and then he is back to teaching his regular classes.
I am going to end this for now. I think I am going to go back to bed. I still think that sleeping will help this headache.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Tazo Chai Grande Please?

I need an outlet, just for a bit. I really don't care if you read this, I really don't care. I am not writing this to have responses like "well, I am praying for you, Jesus cares." Thanks, but I know.
I broke tonight. It was so bad my mother had to be called to fix me. God I felt like a child. I felt so bloody selfish. I knew that sometime soon I would break. I had been supressing so much for so long, it was inevitable. I knew it was soon, I just didn't know how big it would be. It was weird, you know? I saw myself laying on my bedroom floor in the fetal position, sobbing, shaking, I saw it from the other side of the room. My head was resting on JD's arm and my mother's hand was pressed firmly against my forehead. My tongue was latched inbetween my teeth just to hold onto something for control. From the other side of the room it looked odd. I don't remember what was said, but they were talking quietly, rambling on, trying to get me to talk, make some coherent thought. In my head I knew what I was saying. . . "I just can't do it, I don't know." My words sounded funny.
I feel better now. I am going to sleep on my bedroom floor (to make me feel grounded), I have a thunderstorm track playing over and over on the computer, I am trying to stop shaking.
I know Jesus loves me, don't tell me that. I don't want to hear it right now. Actually, just the sound of recorded rain will do. Maybe a trip to the ocean will work . . . deep breath. Ok there, its out. I don't feel better, but at least I recorded yet another freak out (apparently it is good to track certain emotional streams, that way you can follow them and note the changes before and after the freak out, for future reference and heads up, I guess).
I can't parallel park.
My house smells like patchouli oil and Ralph Lauren's Romance perfume and vanilla. Weird, hey?
I am not delirious, things are just popping into my head that don't make sense. Nothing to worry about. Tomorrow, things will go back to normal. Blah. Sorry, just pretend you didn't even read my post.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Tilly You Fat Lard, Eat Your Food

My mother pointed out today that Napoleon Dynamite language is taking over the world. Her grade six class spouts it off constantly (gosh!). My mom hasn't seen the movie so I invited her around to watch it with JD and I. We all agreed that it is the most pointless movie ever, but it is still funny, in that idiot way. Anyways, that explains my title. It is a quote from the movie (minus the Tilly part. Tilly is my cat. The actual quote says Tina, who is a llama. But since my cat is also a fat lard, it seemed fitting to use her name).
JD and I went away for the weekend. We went to visit his family and fix my car. It was really nice to be away. I like away. For all you psycho analysts out there I am an ESCAPIST. I enjoy running away for the sheer pleasure of it. It was a great weekend, but I don't think I ate anything normal. Nothing home cooked. All the grease and carbonation is getting to me and now I feel sick (kind of like the feeling you get after eating McDonalds). It was all tasty nonetheless.
This lady that comes to the coffee shop everyday told me that I should buy the house across the street from her. She has cancer and wants someone to take care of her. She also asked me to move in with her. I think JD and I might do that. She doesn't want to be alone during this scary time. She is very old and has no family at all. Isn't that odd? Pray for her (Melba).
On a different note, I have a scanner hooked up to the other computer (in my room) which means pictures are closer to being posted then they were yesterday!!! Woot woot! I have a lot of pictures to post from a variety of different occasions. Stay tuned.

Just for retard sake I thought I would post my hobbit name :Leila of Buckleberry Fern (lucky me?) and JD's: Till Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern.

Thursday, March 03, 2005


(If you don't know him, that's a shame).
Sometimes when someone is not around you think about that person a lot. For instance, I am in my house, alone (besides my cat), thinking of you. Life grabs you by the neck, and you get so caught up in entertaining it that you forget those special special people around you (like your spouse, fiance, boyfriend/girlfriend, best friends, etc). As I sit here alone, without you (for another half hour or so) my heart is so filled with gratitude and appreciation, just for being you. You have made my life so much easier, and so much brighter just by being in it. At times when it is silent and I find myself feeling lonely I just remember your stupid cow noise and remember how much it made me laugh. Life is hectic. Early mornings and late nights, it seems like there is just no time to connect, yet somehow it works. There is this understanding. Sometimes things seem too perfect and it scares me. But I love you.
I'm rambling, I am sorry. Usually I don't post about anyone inparticular, but tonight is different, tonight I miss you.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

(subtitle) I Do it For Free
With my belly full of nice, Ontario, red wine, a dimmed lamp on, a sleeping husband on the couch and a purring cat in my lap I struggle with an adequate interpretation. Maybe it is because I am alittle giggly, or because I just woke up, or possibly because I am not usually in the mood for Plato at 1 A.M., or maybe it is something else, something isn't connecting. Let me explain.
"In every case the laws are made by the ruling party in its own interest. By making these laws they define as "just" for their subjects whatever is for their own interest and they call anyone who breaks them a wrongdoer and punishes him accordingly" Plato.
My brother is taking this fantastic University Law course. It is fantastic in every possible way. I love it. I could sit and listen to him talk about this class for hours. Frankly, I am addicted.
Brother: You know a bit about philosophy don't you?
Me: heck yes I do. I only went to a liberal arts university and had to take how many philosophy courses?!
Brother: just a yes would have been fine
Me: (thinking: oh you don't want to rant about school, shucks) Yes.
Brother: can you help me with a project. . . I'll pay you?!
Me: what do I look like. . . an homework pimp, for crying out loud brother. Gimme a break. Yes of course I will help you, I am a sucker for homework.
Brother: again, just a yes would be fine.
Me: snob
Brother: tell me all you know about Plato. Actually just write it for me. I am doing a paper and Plato is the one guy I forgot to read about.
Me (with a mimicking voice): just a yes would be fine
-The Republic
-ideas exist
-blah blah blah
so on and so forth. It made him happy. But the quote. My poor brother has to defend whether or not he agrees with this quote. His answer: yes, but no. Thankfully he is not going to be a lawyer. So, needless to say, I am doing abit of homework for him. I know SHAME!!! It's just this once and it's for my brother, and I won't take any money for it, so it isn't really homework pimping. Does anyone have Tylenol?

The following is not actually about Keanu Reeves, but Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures (DVD case) inspired my latest title. Unfortunately I don't like Mr. Reeves. He probably smells good though.

< intermission />
check out this link
it will have you (carrie especially) laughing.

The Evolution of Keanu Reeves
It snowed again. Lucky us. There comes a time in some Canadians lives when they regret moving to the tropics during such winter months. I would be one of those Canadians. Snow has this sinful way of capturing me. I look at the world from the lense of a camera and I just can't help but admire the handiwork. As much as driving in snow gives me heart failure, the beauty it posesses brings me joy. So I whipped out my camera and took some amazing shots from my bedroom window. I think I will scan them tonight along with all the other pictures I have been promising to scan (winter retreat pictures, etc).
I went to the movies last night and saw Hitch. It is one of those classically modern love stories. It was pretty funny. Funny man Will Smith is the lead character and he develops theories in dating and coaches these desperate guys. It was cute.
Pictures are coming. I'm super busy. Got. To. Take. Break.