Sanctuary: A Vehement Discourse

Monday, May 30, 2005

Moments Like These

Have you ever had an embarrassing moment and you want to hide away from the world for a bit? I have. . .and it isn't even the afternoon yet.
posted by ria at 12:37 PM | link

Sunday, May 29, 2005

One More Year

Today is my grandfather's 71st birthday. I will be going to the party later on, hanging out with all my cousins (all4 of them), eating tasty sandwiches, eating gummi bears. It's the same every year. I was saying to my mom that I don't even feel as though my grandparents have aged in the 23 years that I have known them. To me they are ageless. They both celebrate their birthday's this month, they are both old.
When I was little I used to sit in church and just stare at the old people. I am fascinated with older people for some odd reason. I would just stare at their blue rinsed hair, watch them walk in their fur coats, notice their wrinkles. I think I spent more time counting the wrinkles than paying attention to my minister. As I think about my granddad and grandma today, noting their age, they have not changed. I don't view them as a child counting the wrinkles. They are pillars. Both strong towers in their respective churches, both an example of Jesus' enduring love, but so full of knowledge, so wise, so beautiful.
My granddad wrote a book, more like an essay of the time he spent during WWII in Holland. He wrote about hiding potatoes in his pants, running through Den Hague trying to bypass the German soldiers. He talked about leaving Holland for a new life, for freedom. Coming to Canada was one of three choice countries, they made a home in Halifax. He married my grandma, had three girls, divorced and remarried. Both my grandparents remarried wonderful people. My granddad's thick accent has faded with time, his hair has grown white, his tall Dutch frame is starting to shrink, his wrinkles hang off his creamy white face, but he is still the same granddad to me. Still the same granddad that calls me "kid", that pulls me in and squeezes me tight, that still makes me stand in awe of his vast knowledge of the Bible and humble reverence for God.
I love my grandparents. They scare me though. My grandma says she is ready to meet Jesus, her time on earth is almost done. I wonder if she realizes that I still need her. That her great grandchild will need her even more. My granddad is always sick, makes comments about how he's outlived his parents, always in pain. Does he know that I still need him? I hope so. I wish I could share my grandparents, they are just two of the greatest people. Happy Birthday Bumpy!

Saturday, May 28, 2005

UPDATE

Drove to effing Cambridge twice to find the ultimate wedding outfit. I have to look better than the bride here folks :) Anyways, Sarah's wedding is next week. Are we excited? I am sure she is. Ok, I know what I want to wear, it is just finding it. White pants with brown top. Sounds ugly, but it's really it hot.
I changed a few things around on here. One, the picture on the side...yes, finally one of me smiling. Two, the title and subtite: Sanctuary, a place where I can go to find peace, and maybe a place for you to find peace? And Where Angels Fear to Tread....EM Forester guys....gotta love it. I am such an englishy person. I mean from Wolfe to Forester...what next....?
My mood is elated right now, I think it is because I am super nevous, alittle happy, and wearing a super cute outfit. I need to pee...the excitement is getting to me.
That's it for now, just thought I would explain the changes. And boo on photobucket for not letting me publish my pictures properly...boo!
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Addendum:
Oh my God Oh my God...I was excited before about a nice outfit I was wearing, but this, guys this is beyond excitement. I asked for prayer for a friend a while back. Some stuff happened, which I am unable to share, but guys...God, in His infinite mercy and grace performed a miracle. Odds were beat that are beyond comprehension. I am so elated. Oh man I am so excited to even type, bear with me. God is amazing. Everyday I am astounded by how he works things out for His good, so He gets the glory. Even pretty bleak looking situations. Even situations where you need to be the 1 % that pulls through. I cry today, not tears of saddness, not because God didn't pull through, but because He showed compassion to people who couldn't take it anymore, to a beautiful person who has poured out so much knowledge and love, who endured so much. I need to hug you. You know who you are, need I say more. I am in awe.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

She Blogs She Blogs

I have nothing outrageously interesting to post on today. Frankly this blogging thing is getting to me. I am becoming bored with it. My needs are not being met, I am not satisfied in this one sided relationship. I want a divorce. Can you tell I have been reading a book on how to keep one's marriage affair proof?! It is a great book. I am not really into self help books, but this one is like the marriage Bible. It's called "His Needs Her Needs", and it basically spells out what men and women want in a marriage relationship. It is actually a pretty good book, a lot of it is common sense. But really, marriage is not like dating folks! When you live with someone twentyfourseven you see what they look like in the morning, and not just when you go out for your fancy dinner, grab a movie, mush mush....done. At least I got stuck with a half decent guy. I mean, his guy manifestations aren't that trecherous. I can handle it.
Oh oh, I got this awesome new hemp necklace. This hippy chick made it for me....I am going to take a picture.
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The picture isn't all that clear, oh well. It is a really nice necklace.
I am going to watch a movie before I fall asleep. JD comes home late tonight, and I have spent my time cleaning and doing laundry. I have a pile of dvds sitting infront of me, I just don't know which one to choose? M*A*S*H season one, Forrest Gump, Save the Last Dance, the Terminal, Simpsons seasons 1&2, Big Fish, The Bridges of Madison County, The Incredibles.....the list goes on....what's that? I should watch Bridges of Madison County? Good choice...
I will post more camping pictures when I feel like scanning them.
Oh here's one more picture...and example of what I do with my spare time at work:
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super, yeah.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Camping Pics and Stuff

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Crystal camping

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JD trying to make a pot of coffee (some hippies gave us this really good Fidel Castro blend from Montreal, amazing)

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La Lac. This is the little lake where we were staying.


We took some other pictures on my camera, so they will turn out better than these 1 megs.

~I have a cold. It has moved from my lungs to my head, and back down to my lungs, and now in my head as well. I can't win. I took some Nyquill for it the other night. Apparently it is supposed to put you to sleep. It did nothing for me. But, I did down some Dayquill the next morning, which is non-drowsy. . .the stuff made me stoned.
~camping with hippies is an interesting experience. I was all concerned so I shaved up before I went. Turns out they actually endorse leg and armpit hair. How weird! Seriously, as dirty as they are, they are the nicest people I have ever met. Most times they were wasted and probably didn't even know where they were, but nice, oh so nice.
~I am ashamed for admitting this, as I am the ultimate city girl, but I peed outside. I know, that is a little gross, but let me explain. The girls washrooms at the campground were broken, so I went one night in the boys washroom, which was just a huge mistake. It was guy washroom versus outside. The latter won. It took me a good hour to convince myself that no snakes would come up and bite me, and that I wouldn't end up with some terrible disease. And I did it very secretly too. Am I proud of myself? no. . .far from it. I think I may have moved up a few notches in JD's mind. I was roughin' it guys.
~Because JD is leaving me for the summer, he decided that he would buy me a nice present to compensate for his (unbearable) loss. I guessed what it was right away only because whenever someone says they have something for me, I always say, "a pug?" I convinced him that pugs are dogs too, and they actually are cute. Anyways, long story short. . . we aren't getting one. I love animals, they love me back, I would feel guilty if I didn't do something heroic for all animal kind by adopting a dog from an animal shelter. That is what we are going to do. So far I have my eye on a deaf, chocolate lab...which I will probably name (pound on fist three times). Seriously, the dog will never be able to hear his name, right, so why not name it something it will understand. heh.
~I am beginning to feel better since my last few posts. They were a bit personal. Things are better.
Anyways, I will call it a day.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

A Post

I am in the midst of camping. I smell like a tonne of probably lethal things and I am home as I have an engagement tonight. I forgot to post all week. I am bad. Updates are coming. So much has been going on.
Right now I need to shave my legs...of the joys of camping.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

La Nouvelle Bouteille

I don't know what to post today. I really have nothing to say. I just feel like adding a post so that this blog doesn't end up in the "that was a fad" pile. When I started blogging, a lot of other Redeemer students did as well. It was quite the phenomenon. There were several people who just forgot about their blogs and quit. I didn't want to do that. Anyways, so here I am today, nothing to say, and very cold.

Today I feel empty. I am not sure how else to describe the feeling. I am somewhat content. Just empty. The feeling will go away soon. I am sure of it. Despite the feeling, I still have tonnes of work to do, and life goes on. Obladi Oblada...la la la la life goes on.

I went shopping yesterday. I have been searching for the perfect dressy summer outfits. Seems that most pants for summer are see through? Why is that? I tried on a pair of nice white pants and pink ones and I mean, sure I was wearing nice underwear, but I don't want the whole world knowing that. I got really depressed. Everything was too big up top (I have no upper anything) and everything was too small down below. I am in between sizes thanks to that which we never speak of. So, I ended up with: Root Boost Mousse, little claw hair thingys, Skintimate Shaving gel, black slip on shoes for the coffee shop, and a salad from William's. It sucks. I really need some summer threads. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I will venture out again, and I will actually come to grips with my new size. I keep making myself think that I am fat, but my mother says...you aren't a kid anymore, so your body isn't going to be kiddish. And now folks, now I really am dreading turning a year older, why. . .because this sick cycle of growing into one's womanliness could be the death of my washboard stomach, petite waist, toned calves. Oh the tragedy.
. . .and I didn't even want to post today.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

She

A life not lived
Not seen, nor heard.
Felt by one, loved by one.
Not a single protest, not a cry.
Surrounded by noise, an ocean, a heart.
A protection that couldn't hold you in.
Disappeared, leaving an enormous emptiness.
Run little girl, feel the breeze in your hair,
Sit by the river of life
Drink from the springs that now hold you dear.
Remember what you heard
Remember what you felt
Remember the love.
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I haven't posted for a while. Things get hectic, and blogging was put on the back burner for a moment. Right now my time is mainly devoted to JD. I keep getting depressed that he is leaving soon, so I try and schedule my time around him. I have to say, I am quite a baby when it comes to this situation. Even though I know he is coming back, and won't be gone for too long, I still get really upset. It is really retarded.
I have been sleeping a lot lately, so today I am trying to get my body back into the swing of things, get my routine established again. It's hard. I'd rather be sleeping again. I did fall asleep outside on the deck yesterday morning. My arms and legs are all crispy now, dang sun.
This is weird, I have been thinking about it a lot lately though, so bear with me. Sometimes we can feel so protected by God. And at other times it's like we are flung into the middle of the ocean, in the midst of a storm and we have to swim our way back to shore. All it can take is a phone call, or anything for this to occur. I am not the only one going through this right now, I know, so my encouragement is not only for my own benefit, but for yours as well. Things were going smoothly, then BAM! I am in the middle of this ocean. I struggled in my own strength for a few days, and practically wore myself out. I was helpless to anyone. I clenched my fists and beat the crap out of my pillow, tightly latched my teeth to a chunk of flesh and just bit down hard. It kept me from screaming. I was so angry. It was just a fit of rage, very primal. I began to calm down and it was like God reminded me that there is a life saver, this dingy floaing along that would pull me out and bring me back to shore. He doesn't give us more than we can handle. This is like one of the hardest concepts to grasp because we are human, we expect the worse. I can only imagine how Daniel felt in the lions den. I am sure he wasn't thinking things were going to be peachy keen. I bet the first thing that went through his mind was "oh my Lord, look at those teeth!!" Only God can shut the lions mouth, only God can make a fish spew out the escapist Jonah, only God could provide a ram in the bushes so Abraham wouldn't have to sacrifice his son. Only God can pull us out of the crashing waves and do whatever it takes to restore our faith, our lives, our hope. I weep because I feel things have been taken away from me that are so precious, so irreplacable, but I have this small sliver of confidence that God knows what he is doing and will work situations out for good.
I don't know why I wrote all of that. I was actually just going to keep it all to myself. Anyways, enjoy the beautiful weather somehow, take a moment to get out of your situation and just reflect on something positive.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Where is the Love

I was just listening to a Black Eyed Peas song which I titled my post today after. It really got me thinking. We live very much involved in this dog eat dog world, looking out for number one, survival of the fittest, if I may. We put ourselves first and are often inconsiderate of the feelings of others.
I recently read a blog entry which had a link to a news story about a woman who was scheduled for an abortion, she ended up going into labour and delivering a baby without the aid or care of anyone at the clinic. My heart ached for this woman. I read the comments surrounding this article and post, and my heart ached even more. Not a word of compassion was offered, even by some who called themselves Christians.
I have been raised and persuaded towards pro-life. I have signed petitions against abortion, deeming it wrong and a monstrosity. I believed every child deserves a right to live. I still do. But I wonder, have you ever put yourself in someone else's shoes? Do you know why they are doing this? Do you know that they think this is the best option for their child? Can we not just lovingly embrace these women, rather than think of them as some cold-hearted monster? God only knows what they have to think about and live with for the rest of their lives.
Jesus said the greatest gift is love. Where is the love? He also said, " judge not, lest you be judged." Can we examine our own hearts and search out our own wicked ways before we attack others? As sad as this situation is, it is even more devestating to think that we consider ourselves so pure, and spotless enough to cast the first stone.
I understand, and everything that is within me weeps.
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05.04.05
Let Go
The army is good for keeping peace and fighting for justice. The army is bad for building an intimate relationship. That said, I am dreading J.D.'s departure this summer. I am not clingy and so dependent on him that I can't survive, I just love him and don't like the fact that he will be far away. He leaves two days before my birthday and instead of having a birthday party, I might just have a cry fest. Yes, I will have a pity party. I might also enjoy pints and pints of Ben and Jerry's Cherry ice cream and then I might run away. I am very jealous of his students and co-workers. They will get to work with him everyday, and when the day is over they will get to spend warm summer nights with him. Those warm summer nights I was planning on spending with him. I get his few weekends here and there. The times when I am most busy.
I will finish the rest of this post up later. I need to make dinner.

Monday, May 02, 2005

My Cat Flirts with My Husband

The weekend is over, and for that I am glad. It was nice to just come home and let my head hit my pillow. Sometimes it's so hard to just give give give, even while exhaustion takes over. I'm not complaining, anything but. I am just very appreciative of rest.
I have never laughed so hard in my life. My friend Stephanie's sister and I were hanging out for a while and laughing our flipping butts off, at really nothing. That's what happens when I get tired. Everything becomes funny, or outrageously depressing. I feel like listing the rest of my blog. Thoughts enter my head so randomly these days.

~my sister and I got along reasonable well this weekend. Great progress.
~I talked to my mother via MSN IM. She is the funniest computer-illiterate person I have ever known.Her fascination is so amazingly childlike. She was so excited that one can send pictures and words so instantly. She is the cutest person.
~I haven't been feeling well, but I have been trying to hold it in, hold on. (I don't mean anything bad by that), no worries. SOmetimes being a girl sucks.
~I didn't go the the Stag and Doe, I am not drinking right now, and I was super busy. . .sorry I missed it Kate.
~ My cat totally flirts with JD. It is disgusting. She doesn't let me touch her and screams for his attention. I am getting jealous.
~It is May, time is flying by.
~I've decided not to go back to school in September. My plans have changed for around that time and going back is not in them. I might go back in January, but not to Redeemer. It would be really stupid of me not to go back and finish my last semester and get my B.A. so I will, but my career plans have changed. I am going into nursing. To be honest, a nursing job is much more fulfilling than a career in English and History.
~I am thirsty. I am going to end here. Just thought I would update.