Sanctuary: A Vehement Discourse

Saturday, June 25, 2005


Sorry about the title. For some reason that word popped into my head when I considered a title. I like risque-ness.
My cat just beat the crap out of my new kitten and then she looked at me with her precious moments eyes saying "mommy, did I do good?" How in the world do you punish a cat when she is so cute. Moral of the story: I should never have kids.
Anyways, my heart is heavy as I sit here and type a post. I had what I wanted to say all written down and I was all prepared to type it. However, my feelings tonight aren't leaning towards that. I wish JD was here so that I could just lay with him and cry. I just want to cry. That's it, that's all.
There is much to be said about laying one's head on someone's chest. I think it was John, one of Jesus' disciples who lay his head against Christ's breast. He heard the heart beat, he felt those strong arms around him, holding him tight. He felt the love Jesus had for not only him, but everyone else. Babies are often seen resting on the chest of their mother, in peaceful slumber. This is comforting, and healing. My head tonight wants to lay on JD's chest. I know that sounds weird, but I need something tangible to hold onto right now.
Sweet Jesus carry me.

Take this blindfold off of me
I'm walking but I cannot see
Mysteries fly at my feet
The answers come with no relief
Broken shoes won't get you far
Climb on my back I'll carry you afar
Words just feel anatheistized
But hope is found within the lies
And I keep walking down that road
And I keep running down that road
Take this blindfold off of me
I'm crawling, grabbing, breathing for the way I can see
Hold me, take me, run with me, I know you'll ignite
A battered flame that once was bright
And I keep walking down that road
And I keep running down that road
Glory, gloryGlory, in the highest
posted by ria at 10:48 PM | link

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

If You're Going to San Francisco

I forgot to set my alarm clock this morning. Yeah, not cool at all.
Anyways, I get this phone call from Vicki, one of the teachers that I will be working with in September, and also personal friend of the family. She is telling me that I have to be in Beamsville by 8 a.m. That means if I want to be ready and meet her at the cafe so we can carpool, I will have to be up by 5. Plus, if that isn't bad enough, I have to wear a skirt or dress all week. That is funny for so many reasons. I own one skirt, that rarely ever gets worn. I don't mind skirts or anything, I just have bony knees, and white chicken legs (read: highly embarrassing!). This is not joyous, this is not great, this is not cool at all. I will survive, yes. I will get over it, yes. But for the time being I am alittle ne sais quoi? Karlie, can I borrow your unreasonably short uniform kilt?
I was looking at my summer schedule. So far, it looks really busy. I don't know why I sign myself up for things. Oh wait, it wasn't me that did that. It was STEPHIE!!! Actually, my August looks pretty free. I might consider running away, and by then it will be scorchingly hot, so Tibet could be in question here.
My birthday is coming up. But instead of celebrating, like I had planned (which is my next post) I will be teaching a bunch of unruly, stinky kids how to sing and a bunch of other things at VBS. I'm not complaining. Really, I am not. There is humour in this all. I am not one for complaining. It just seems that way. Heh.
Well, I have to end this for the day.

Friday's Feast:
(its a shame I am not writing this as an Itallian. If I was, there would be like a zillion appitizers, and quite a bunch of main courses. This is just me making fun of my Bella Itallian Stephanie :) ).

What's one word or phrase that you use a lot?
"Oh yeah?" and "hmm, interesting"

What is something you always seem to put off until the last minute?
Purchasing birthday cards, filing income taxes, dishes

What was the last great bumper sticker you saw?
"I am not a slut" and "dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians"

Main Course
If you could be invisible for one day, how would you spend your time?
giving people wedgies

Describe your hair.
In a pony tail. I need to redo my highlights. My hair is so in need of a cut. I am past my 6 weeks, but I am trying to grow it out a bit. I almost cut myself bangs, boy am I glad I didn't.

Monday, June 20, 2005


She laughs, I can actually feel myself stir in my sleep. The girl is not me. JD walks up to her and touches her back. She smiles and continues laughing. Her combat boots are undone, it seems like she was in uniform, and the boots are the last to take off. Now she is in denim shorts. I wake up. This happens a few times. I fall alseep and {WHA BAM!} there is this girl with JD. I've never seen her before. The dream bothers me. As soon as I fall deeper into my sleep the dream worsens and I force myself to wake up. I think I might just give up on sleep for the night.
Now I am sitting on my couch eating soda crackers. I forgot to put the box away from earlier this afternoon. I wasn't feeling well. It seems that there is some stomach bug going around. Many of my friends have gotten sick. Now it's my turn. I munched on soda cracker and soup, and watched Happy Gilmore on t.v.
My fridge is filled with luscious looking fruits and vegetables. I am bored, and don't want to go back to sleep.
JD is leaving soon. As much as I have convinced myself that it will be nice for him to go away, and nice for me to start planning for September, the whole idea sucks. Just a few more weeks and he will be teaching at an army base 7 hours away. I am glad it is only that far away and not Gagetown. He promises me that he will come visit on a few weekends. Bleh. I'm still sad.
Wow, my house is so quiet at this hour! Even the cats are motionless (unbelievable!). Sometimes it is easy to forget what silence sounds like.
It's amazing how much sense one doesn't make at 3:30 a.m.!
I really need to end this. I need to try to fall asleep. This is insane.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

This is What it Means. . .

Have you ever had those moments where a song, a picture, a movie, a joke, all remind you of past moments? Sweet memories? You cry, but remember that those involved in the memory would probably want you to laugh. You smile knowing that they are wrapped up in the arms of Jesus; but the pain can be unbearable. You want Jesus to wrap you up in those same, safe arms. This is what it means to be held.
I never know the right things to say. I never know how to word how I feel, I can't write it out. I wish I could.
There are so many situations in life that force us to question God. I do it almost daily. Why did this ripping happen? Why has a covenant been broken? Why does divorce hurt even the most accepting of it? Why did you take away such a beautiful soul, so that you could dance with her for eternity? Why do innocent families suffer? Why do you have to take people away, even if it is temporarily? Why do we let ourselves love people so much we can't let them go? Why does my husband have to be in the army? Why do I feel so insecure about that? Why have you let me lose precious moments, precious people, precious beings? These questions are ever on my mind, always voiced in my heart, and most times go unanswered.
I can't stop listening to a certain song. Rivers of tears begin to flow.

Friday, June 17, 2005

And Ode to Irrational Cuteness
There is this sense that I can't explain
It's all wrapped up into one single being.
Each tiny detail so precious, so woven together to create a flower.
The description so majestic, words cannot describe.
In one moment we are standing here alone, and in the next
Hearts overflowing with a sense of comfort, and renewed hope.
So pure and simple in a childlike way
She pours out her heart and for nothing in return.
Such a beautiful life, so torn and tired
Tiny classicality so neatly arranged
Eyes bright with new stories and tales of a life so fully lived.
A life, like a candle, melting away leaving an angelic aroma
Such exquisiteness for a quiet heart to hold dear
Love unfailing, overtaking my heart
Unrepayable acts of altruism
In your shadow I feel helpless, yet we dwell in that of the Almighty.
A simple offering I cannot accord, as it is slowly rejected
An offering given in it's place
Consumed moments, sleepless nights
Enervated optimism, yet endless affection.
Che puo faccio? with no reply
Standing strong in her own weakness, a pillar, a strong tower.
Let me touch you once more, if not here, then with the angels
Let me show you what you have done, what you have created
.Rest well beautiful flower, heaven holds a tender place for those deserved as you.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

"Voice of Truth"
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in on to the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zoneInto the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "
Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
Chorus: But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to meI will choose to listen and believe the
Voice of Truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takesto stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stoneSurrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
Chorus: But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to meI will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them lookin' down I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
Chorus: But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe-I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you, you are-
~Casting Crowns
This band is quickly becoming one of my favourites. I heard this song for the first time today and it just rang in my heart. It is such an anthem, something to take hold of and proclaim. If you can get a copy of this song, please do.
My cat is so retarded. She hasn't moved an inch in 5 hours. I have not been home, but I know that she hasn't moved. I have no awesome telepathic powers, I just know she is extremely fat, and would rather not move. Ever. It's a good thing she recognizes the word food, and the kibbily goodness sound of tuna bites pouring into her dish, or else she might starve. All because she is fat and lazy. My cat inspires me. She inspires me to never get lazy, and never get excited at the sight of food (not too excited anyways!).
The deaf people came into the shop today. I can tolerate handicapps, I have no problem dealing with different sorts of people, but this woman is evil. I swear she is the devil in human form, trying to ruin my day. She is obnoxious, and very rude. I try (excuse me) have tried to be very patient with her, trying to comprehend what she is saying, I even used my limited knowledge of sign language with her, but she has crossed a line. She made some disgusting racial comments not to long ago, I mean horrible comments. Saying these specific people should go to hell, they are dumb, they know nothing, white people are the only good people. I freaked. I kicked her out of the store. I don't know if she had the slightest idea of what I was saying, and come to think of it, I should have flipped her the bird. The universal sign for f*** off. But I didn't. At least she left. And this week, she hasn't said anything offensive. She just yelled at me and stomped her feet. I think I can deal with that.
Anyways, JD is home and I have to get ready for a graduation. I will finish the post later.

Sunday, June 12, 2005


I have had a fantastic weekend. I spent way to much time in my car, and for that I have a one arm burn. But JD and I took the nephew to see Madagascar. It was hilarious. Seth, our nephew, loved it. He's such a good kid, for us anyways.
Life is good right now. I can't wait to start teaching, I can't wait to go to the confrence in two weeks, where Vicki and I will be learning about the materials we will be using. I really can't wait. I know that I won't be doing this forever, but for now, it is such a cool oppertunity. I am really excited.
I woke up this morning in such a great mood. I seems like just the perfect Sunday morning. The sun is beautiful , my a/c is on full blast, can't feel the humidity outside, it's beautiful. Why do I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach all of the sudden? It's weird. I'm speechless.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Life Aquatic

One of the many movies I've viewed during my food poisoning, laying in bed, eating mango popsicles episode. That along with Phantom of the Opera, Closer, and Kinsey. Each, I dare say, are quite fantastic. In my absence I've gathered my thoughts, and spent much time laying on my bathroom floor (it was much easier than running to every few minutes).
Sarah's wedding was beautiful. However, I do have to comment on one thing. Why did you walk down the aisle to 'Air on a G String?' and then 'Jesu, Joy?' Both lovely, lovely songs, yet the first??? Did it not occur to you that your friends would be laughing at it for the remainder of the evening, and. . .even now? I sat at the greatest table, besides some girl that wouldn't stop chattering to herself, I sat with friends from Redeemer. We had a blast. Aaron's girlfriend, I think, felt uncomfortable. She was surrounded by crazy people. We were by far the funniest table. Look, that snapping turtle ate a golf ball. Heh, good times.
Regarding my food poisoning: I am feeling better today. Although the gurgliness is still there.
My quad accident bruises are starting to not hurt so badly anymore either. Yippee.
Anyways, that's my update, short I know. Thousand pardons. Tonight is JD's long night away, which also means it's my get lots of work done night.
P.S~On top of everything else, I failed to mention that I killed my sister's cat. I was vacuuming and moved the cage to our deck for seven minutes. When I went to get Karl, he was dead. I cried hysterically. I am still upset about it. I didn't know what to do. Anyways, it was traumatic. I like animals. I don't like killing them.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

It's Been a While

I've been away, I have an awesome excuse though. Actually two. One, I have violent food poisoning. I am not even going to begin to explain the treatment, it will make you sick. Hopefully tomorrow I will be up and running. Maybe not running, but functioning better. And second, I flipped a quad. JD and I were off roading and it hit some gravel. I went flying, and as I was flying I had this weird feeling that the quad would fall on me so I pushed myself to fall further. It was not a good experience. Today I hurt.
Anyways, that's my absence excuse.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Flipping Time

I have a lot of things to accomplish yet today, and for some reason, I don't even feel like it. I hate it when I just get into a procrastination mode (deliver me, Lord). I get the excuse that I'm tired, or there will be more time in the morning. Lies, it's all lies. I keep telling myself that there is more time, all the time, and yet there never is. Now is the right time. Have you ever been to a Billy Graham crusade, or even seen one on t.v.? They always give these tremendous alter calls "now is YOUR time!" . . .they should have a chore, or laundry motivationalist. "Now is YOUR time, get your laundry sorted, make it right". Not to be blasphemous or anything, but seriously, motivate me. Personally, I think procrastination is a sin. It leads to laziness. I have to get out of this rut. Ok, wait here a moment, I am going to start it right now. Ha, it only took me five minutes to sort and start. I am embarrassed.
I should also clean off my desk here. It is seriously a disaster. Just to name a few things: A list of dogs from the S.P.C.A that I have had my eye on, bullet shells (obviously JD's), raspberry punch wetshine nail polish, matches, a lighter, golf tees, a dish full of change, army paint, precision optical glasses cleaner, a camera, a measuring tape, tacks, my keys, a hammer, a bible, misc. cd's, a water bottle, rubbing alcohol, two plates, a watch band, and chap stick. That is just to name a few things. We really need to find a place to put these things:
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Just an example of the mess.
I just noticed a chip in my plate. I've never noticed it until now, looking at the picture. It really stands out.
I still have to talk about this teacher thing, but really I can't yet. I still have to let it settle. My head is still floating with all the information.
Time to switch over the laundry.

I like Muffins

Exciting news....wait for it, wait for it....I'M A TEACHER!!! I will post more later. Right now, I am too excited. Oh and Carrie, does this mean you will have to show me where all the preppy school teacher clothing stores are? Heh, that's an inside joke ;)
It hasn't had a chance to sink in yet. Maybe later.