Sanctuary: A Vehement Discourse

Friday, July 29, 2005

My heart is heavy today. I wish it were not so. There is nothing I can say, think or do without this strong sense of sadness wash over me. If you come here looking for a funny thought, a good word, maybe just some assuring, I cannot give it to you today. The only thing I can do is beg for peace. Not for myself. For a family I love so dearly. Pray that they are swept up in the arms of Jesus. Pray that they have strength even when they cannot feel it. My tears roll down in sheets today, for you I have no words. Nothing to comfort, only that I will carry you. You are never alone.
One step at a time.
I chose this Robert Herrick poem to post. I memorized it for an English class a few years ago. It is one of my favourites.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime
You may for ever tarry.
Robert Herrick (1591-1674)

In closing, whatever the need is, whatever you are feeling today, tomorrow, whenever, I will do everything I can to help you through this.
I won't be posting for the rest of the weekend.
posted by ria at 4:08 PM | link

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Red Rain

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That's Cheryl. She's our new astro kitty. That's my hand trying to hold her long enough to take a picture. She's a handful. For some reason we are attracted to ugly animals.

My day was all right, my feelings however, have not been. It's hard not to think about things. It's hard to feel helpless, I don't know how to handle that feeling. I don't know what to say when there are no words of comfort that will be useful. I don't know how to take it away. I wish I could take it awa, but I can't. I don't understand why it has to happen to you. I'm sorry. My phone is on, my yahoo is on. I am here for as long as you need.

I am not too fond of kids. I am, but I'm not. They, on the other hand, love me. I can't get away from kids. They cling to me. Today I was with my friends, doing stuff and Prestynn and Macie (the two kids) would not leave me alone. They were playing with my hair, asking me for chocolate balls (Timbits from Tim Hortons), playing with my ring, taking of my necklace, tying my hair in knots, and...if you would believe it...LICKING ME! Yeah! I asked Macie why she was licking me and she said "because I wuv you". She was kissing me everywhere and sucking my neck. I was like honey, here have some gum, a sucker, anything. She took the gum. Chewed for a minute and then licked my cheek. All I could do was laugh. I didn't have it in me to tell her to stop. I just laughed. Crazy girls.

The storm has passed. What a catastrophe it was. People's houses were flooded, roads were blocked off because the sewage had backed up. One boy died while riding away from one of the flooded areas. Sadness. Crops were ruined. One day of rain caused so much difficulty for thousands of people. I had just watched The Day After Tomorrow not three days earlier. This is not a movie you want to watch before something like this happens. It is catastrophic. The movie deals with nature and what if everything bad happened in nature. What a strange thing floods are.

I really can't focus on writing a post right now. Maybe I will post later. I guess.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Boring

I never realized how boring math was until this moment. I hated it to begin with, but now I loathe it, I don't want to teach it, and I want to throw it in the garbage. I am sorry if you like math, someone has to, and I'm sure it "has a purpose", sure. I took one university math course (count that, one). The most exciting part was writing the essay. Oh my heart lept within me. Most brainers were writing their papers on Pythagoras, I attempted a ten pager on Ptolemy and his theories, put it through the paper shredder, and entitled my essay "Why I Dispise Math." I had the greatest, if not, the best math professor alive. He looked like Michael J. Fox, or someone like that. He said all these geeky jokes that I laughed at. I think I was the only one that laughed at them. I wrote funny things on my tests. He liked me, tried to tutor me, gave up hope. On the last day of class, instead of handing in the paper at the front desk, I decided my last hope would be to hand it in myself and charm him with my dashing good looks. He asked me how I liked the class. I have no problem being honest, really. I said Mr. Templeton, I hated it with all my heart. I never want to see you again. I handed him the essay and swayed out of the room. I earned an A+ on the paper, which really boosted my overall mark. Luckily my clever witticisms won him over.

I had some of the greatest professors in university. Dr. Dent, my brilliant French professor. We had a love/hate relationship. She made me cry. She was friends with my mother. That was my first mistake. She picked on me at every chance available. I passed her class with flying colours. My English profs were by far my favourites. The taught me passion. They taught me detail. And above all, they taught me the importance of spell checking.

Putting together the details of a classroom has made me reflect upon what I have enjoyed and what I have disliked as a student. I am learning patience and the importance of not only educational stimulation, but character building as well. I am not educating some children. I am educating future government leaders, future doctors, future visionaries. I need to learn how to be passionate. I need to learn how to be an inspiration. I need to learn how to teach people to make choices that will affect the rest of their lives. I need help. I have been surrounded by wonderful teachers throughout my whole life, most of them within my own family. Yet, I haven't even the slightest idea how to do it for myself. Children have never been a strong point for me. The strange thing is, they flock to me, they are attracted to something I have yet to figure out. I am just hoping for some divine wisdom. I will surely need it.

I said in my last post that life sucks. That still rings true, but I have made some choices to turn it around. I hope they are the right choices, because if not, I could be walking around this mountain again. I think in my idealist mentality I have just been waiting for that Lotto 6/49 moment. That 'just imagine' feeling. I keep thinking I am still a kid, but all these adult choices are bombarding me. Realistically, it is a sink or swim feeling and right now I am struggling just to hold my breath.

In conclusion (I hate that phrase), I will make it through today. My hope is brighter as my eyes are taken away from the bigger picture. One day at a time, seems a lot less intimidating.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Whirlwind

"Life sucks right now and I can't be uplifting"
I'm still waiting for that moment. I am not sure what that moment is, but I am waiting for it.

JD, I need one of those bedtime stories. I can't seem to close my eyes long enough to relax myself to sleep. I can't seem to catch that breath, the one that lets out the days concerns and transfers me into the subconscious realm. I can't find the right music that will lull me to rest.

My typing is louder than my thoughts. And my thoughts aren't making any sense.
The only thing I can hear is this:

When Tears Fall
I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But theres one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus your true
When hope is lost, I'll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you healer
When silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour, of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, and sustain me
My defender, forever more
When hope is lost, I'll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you healer
When silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

I will praise you, I will praise you
When the tears fall, still I will sing to you
I will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffering still I will sing

When hope is lost, I'll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you healer
When silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus you're true

When hope is lost, I'll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you healer
When silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart
I will praise you, I will praise you
When the tears fall, still I will sing to you
I will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffering still I will sing

I have nothing else to say. A while ago I went through some of my school journals and a common sentence I wrote was "my head is empty." Right now there is nothing I need to say, nothing I want to say without breaking down.

Sub silentio

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Sky Azure

I am watching the beginning of a sun rise. Something I haven't witnessed in a long time. It is so beautiful to think that the sky will be filled with wonderful colours in a matter of minutes, and this big firey ball will light up the sky, manifesting the laws of nature, manifesting God's daily faithfulness. As surely as the sun doth set, will it also rise. On my right there is a large picture window which displays a lightly blue and oranged sky. On my left are the patio doors, vertical blinds slightly opened with the early birds in clear view. Nature always has a way of reaching inside my heart and ministering to the broken places. Little wonders of God's creation have a way of tearing down the little walls I build up to protect myself. The light is pouring in.

My reunion with JD was wonderful as always. We have this unremarkable bond, it is hard to describe. It is difficult to be without someone as wonderful as JD, our reunions are always bittersweet. His presence was so calming amidst my inner storm. It was a nice break away from reality. This weekend, although not filled with enjoyable activities, easy moments, fond memories, will bring a lot of peace; enough to rest my soul for just a moment.

There is a slight rumble, as if a thunderstorm is about to hit. The sky is clear, with no sign of rain anywhere close by. It just happens to be my cat. She is so brilliant in the morning (smoking her cigarette over coffee). She is such a snuggler. I can't get enough of it. And this weather does wonders for her fur, although shedding often, it's so soft.

I wonder if today will hold any answers. If today will be the first day of the rest of my life. If I will feel that invincible 'world-at-my-fingertips' feeling. Or will it just go by, like everyother day, leaving much to be desired. Leaving me feeling empty, yet filled with uncertainty and questions. Just a moment of stillness. Just a moment of complete and utter reverance for He, who will bring me through another day. For grace, and peace, not only for my own self, but for the others who need it so much more. For the feeling of being held, for protection. For being carried, when I myself cannot even stand to carry myself.

Happy early birthday Mere. I know it is not until tomorrow, but in case I don't get a chance to post again, and in case you read this today, you are a wonderful mother. I hope this next year will leave you fulfilled, and be the best one of your life thus far. You deserve great. I have never been more blessed to have you as my mother, and that is a huge understatement. You have fought for me, you have given your all for us, for me. You have done the unspeakable, the remarkable, and the unthinkable, and I pray you are blessed 100 fold greater than what you have given. I love you, I love you. I pray that I may be half the woman you are. Your footsteps are noble, and worthy to be followed, and I pray I fill them as graciously as you have stepped them. Happy Birthday.

That's it for me for today. I think, now that the day has officially begun, I may rest my burning eyes.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Angry Emotions

Have you ever had a friend that you think was your friend, and it turns out they were just using you? You pour into their lives for years, let them reject you and the rest of their so called "friends" while they have significant others, watch them treat your other friends with disrespect, and moodiness, let them bring you down without you even being aware of it? And yet, you still pour out, and give your all to this person? My hand is way up in the air. How do you end that friendship? How do you just say "I've had it, I can see that we have drifted apart and that is a choice you made, I don't want to be friends with you anymore."? How can I do that without hurting this person's feelings? I am not sure if this person reads my blog, I hope not. I am just fed up with the moodiness, the fairweathered friendship, being used, etc. I'm done. It's over. Enough is enough.

That was a prelude to the rest of my blog, the blog in which I cry, freak out, and maybe say a few things I shouldn't say. I am not in the best of moods right now, and I apologize if I say things that might offend.

I realize that my life situation is not nearly as bad as others. I know that, and I am sensitive to the needs of people I care about, and situations in your life that need prayer and support. When I complain here about my own life, I am not doing it to make myself look hard done by. I realize that people say "God only gives you as much as you can handle" and if that is the case, I can't handle anymore. I can't handle everything in my own life. I have had enough. I want to get off the ride, it is no longer fun. It never really was. I can't explain publically what I am going through, what I have had to endure, what my life has been like for the past 20+ years. I can't tell you what emotions I am feeling because I don't even think they have a name. I can't tell you exactly how I feel because I am numb. I don't know what the feeling is, and I am convincing myself that it is ok. My pride is getting in the way of me actually saying how I really feel. I have gone through things that are going to stick with me for the rest of my life. And you can laugh. You can say "it's your own fault" you can tell me I am a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad friend, a bad whatever, I really don't care. But I am sick and tired of the shit. I am sick and tired of watching people fall apart because of other people's actions. I am sick and tired of not being able to say what I want to say on this blog because I might "offend" someone. Or, you might freak out and threaten me with lawyers, or whatever. I am sick and tired of not being able to say what I really want about this "friend" for fear of embarrassing him/her. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And I hate these lumps. I hate the headaches, I hate the nosebleeds, I hate the dizziness, I hate the pain.

Enough is enough. I need some deliverance. I need God. And I have been running. It is amazing what humans do in times of need and pain. They run from the only thing that can save them. The run from this well spring of life that will heal, deliever, restore. I admit, I run pretty fast. Like Jonah, we know what is good for us yet we run because we are scared. I am so ashamed of my cowardness. I know what is good for me and yet it is almost the first thing I reject. God was so angered when he walked into the temple on the sabbath and saw all the merchants doing whatever they were doing. It angered God to see the unholiness. I admit, I have not been holy. My actions have not reflected that of Christ's. I have not honoured him in how I behave, how I react. And now I find myself begging for forgivess, trying to find solace in the fact that He still loves me.

I've had enough God. Deliver me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Cheryl the Astro Kitty

***DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN PURCHASE A ONE WAY TICKET TO TIBET?***

I wish I had pictures of my kitten online. She is the ugliest thing alive. She looks like a Reese Peanut Butter cup all smashed into tiny bits. She's hilarious, and bugs the crap out of Tilly, my big boned, elder feline. Anyways, she's funny. My brother taped her doing a back flip, I shoudl try and post the video it is hilarious.

This post is going to be in spurts and pieces. My thought flowage is just so spontaneously random lately. It's hard to just hold onto one thought and run with it.

My hands smell like Sponge Bob popsicle, which smells like fruit punch and vanilla. I still can't eat a popsicle without it melting down my hands. Speaking of smells, I bough Gain laundry detergent today. That is one of the nicest smells ever. Oh and Oust has this melon splash smell, it is just amazing. That stuff...I am so addicted to it.

I went shopping today. My mom and I drove to the Cambridge mall, it is just a really cool mall. It has an ice rink and gym in it. I bought nail polish, shampoo, and I went to a jewelry store. They have really nice men's wedding bands. I picked one out. Wow, it made me nervous. They make these really neat titanium rings now. The lady make me hold it and it was almost weightless, almost like plastic. It was a very cool ring. I wanted to go for that one, but it is a relatively new metal for rings, and it is difficult to resize without ruining.

I have nothing to say. It is very sad. There is a lull and I become uncomfortably awkward with myself.

OH! I was cleaning out my car in my driveway today and some woman walked by with her dog (it was an ugly dog) and she started freaking out on me. I am not too sure what she was saying because of her thick European accent, but she was pretty mad. It was the weirdest thing. It was so uncharacteristic for our area, most people just don't say a word to each other, and if one is mad at the other, they will just gossip to another neighbour. This lady was obviously new to the neighbourhood. I just smiled and nodded. I am not really one to fight back (anymore) so I think my silence frustrated her. It was pretty funny actually. She wasn't wearing a bra either, which made the conversation all the more uncomfortable. I guess Europeans are that way? Everything was just hanging everywhere (how's that for a visual?). The end of the conversation was odd...

Me: smiling and nodding
*Freaky Helga: Oikay, I see I get nos where wis ewe so I will gos to my haas
Me: heh, are you sure? You seem very angy, if I knew what you were saying maybe I could help
Freaky Helga: sat ees not nis. I am hangry, ewe useless. You knows nathing.

Whatever?!?!?
* name was changed to protect the insane.

Anyways, people are weird. People who think they can just shoot their mouths off are weird. I find it slightly amusing and entertaining, as I stand there silently watching them get even more frustrated. I don't like to fight back. It's more fun from my perspective.

Well, like I said. I have nothing to say. So, I close.
P.S.~ I changed the look again. If you didn't get to see the first change, consider yourself lucky. It was not a nice look. This one is much better.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Stop the Insanity

As you will notice, I've changed my look. If you didn't notice, I suggest medical attention. My old blog was way to perky, and way to bubble-gummy. If you have qualms about the new look, feel free to let me know, and I will waste hours and hours re arranging my template, and for you, I will change it back. It really is pretty dark, I am not too sure I like it myself.

So, I am sure you are surprised that I have been blogging a lot. Me too. It's been swell. I used to be a very religious, faithful blogger. Times have changed. I've really run out of interesting things to talk about, and I don't really have any blonde moments that I care to share anymore. The blogging things is becoming old, yet, I want to continue for reasons even I don't know. Hey, if you have any topic suggestions let me know. I will try and make this interesting for you.

I would also like to say a huge CONGRATULATIONS to JD. He got his promotion and is now a Master Bombadier. What does this mean? I'm not sure, but it comes with a pay raise, and a happy husband, so...it makes me happy! Please pray for him, when you think of it. He is stuck in the sweltering heat, no shade, no breeze, no me. I still think you should really get a stuffed teddy bear or something. It might make you feel better. I miss you, love.

I won a 6ft sub from Subway. This wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have a little brother that worked there, that could get me subs for half price, even free at times. So, now I am stuck with this sucker. Any takers? I can have it delivered. Oh, and you can get whatever you want on it. I was thinking every three inches I would make a whole new sub. My brother has to make it, so we can do this as painful as possible. No worries.

I miss my music. JD took the computer with all my music on it. Luckily, I have three other computers to use, but none have my tunes. Angers me slightly. Oh Oh, awesome idea...burn me the music onto cds, ok. Actually, you probably don't have time, no worries. I can wait until September. *le sigh*

Anyways, I am rambling, and not posting anything that I really want to say.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Summer time, and the Living is Easy...

The birthday celebrations have finally come to a close, which I am ever so thankful for. I don't think I can handle another "how does it feel to be..." Really, I don't feel a year older, nor do I look a year older, so you might as well just stop asking. Thanks. That was a little mean, I know. I haven't really aged since probably around the age of sixteen or seventeen. I have always been an old fogie (old spirited, I guess). And really, I don't look any different from the day I was born. I just gained a little weight. Would you believe I was 9 pounds at one point? Yeah, ha! I know.
JD left earlier this afternoon. I always get weird before he leaves. It's like this little thunderstorm rains all over my little heart and lightening crashes and I get all scared, and there is no one to hang on to. It's weird, and I can never explain it to anyone, and he doesn't get it. *sigh* and for some weird reason, I get wrangy. I just kind of freak out. I am not sure when he will be home next. That sucks. I would like to now go on to complain about his job, but that won't get me anywhere, and won't bring him home, so I will spare you. For now, I will keep it internal.
We didn't paint I decided that it just wasn't worth it, and I didn't feel like getting a paint high. So, the room stays baby pink. I might paint the spare bedroom in our house Wild Fire pink, it depends though. It might just have to be blue.
I bought 'Healthy Pregnancy' magazine this weekend. Boy, does it ever cover a lot of ground. I like it, it even has step by step pictures for certain things. Such a cute magazine though.
We renamed the Kitten. It was Iris, now her name is Cheryl. I named it. We were going to call her Marilyn, but decided Cheryl would be better. She's a cute little muffin.
I'm not sure I have much more to say? I am running out of things quickly, so I will end for the night.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Blahness

I've been busy. No time to post. JD came home for the weekend to celebrate my birthday. It has been nice.
I really have nothing to say at the moment.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Always and Forever

Lots of things on my mind today. First, it's my birthday. Whooppee, yay! Actually, bleh, I could care less. My mom got me this really cute, pink, Barbie card. I love it!!!
On Saturday I am painting my room. There is this awesome round bed at IKEA that I want to purchase to go with the room. My only problem is JD. The colour is not something he is fond of. But, I need to get this out of my system before I grow up and have a house of my own, and he understands this (thanks muffin). I am painting it hot pink. Actually, the colour is Wild Fire to be exact. I am buying a lime green bed spread, and paintin orange circles on my wall. The circles will be filled with pictures and photographs. I will take pictures of the final product. As you can tell, I like pink.
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. JD is gone, and my life has no humour.
Anyways, I never ask for prayer for myself, but today I am. I found something unusual that is of concern to my health. I need to find out if it just needs to be drained, or uh...if I need to take any further action. I am nervous. So, uh...if you care to pray, please.
Anyways, that's it for me.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Slipped Away

I am not sure how it is possible for one to be sore after playing golf, but I sure am. I am sore, and covered in mosquito bites. I even have a mosquito bite on my lip, go figure. I have a habit of scratching the bites until they bleed, so really, it looks like I have a bunch of cuts all over my legs and feet. Kind of chicken poxesque.
JD leaves in three days. I am sad. For some reason I have been acting strange. My temper is short and I have been unusually emotional. I feel like someone is taking away one of my limbs or a vital organ or something. It is a strange feeling. I honestly do appreciate the army, I just wish they wouldn't steal my husband away from me.
On a happier note, my birthday is in one week!!! I told my mother I didn't want to celebrate this year with family (or anyone for that matter). She freaked out on me. Apparently I will break my grandmother's heart if I don't go all out and invite everyone over for a "party". So, this year I am reserving myself one party, one old people party. No friends, no cake, no ice cream. However, presents are always welcome. Maybe some flowers or something. Anyways, one year older. Whoop-dee-do.
JD bought me a really awesome present this year. It is one of those out door fire places. So far I've devoured a bag of marshmallows, and roasted some shrimp. It's great. We live in the city, so it is the next best thing to a fire pit. I love it. Reminds me of our fake camping trips. The ones where we camp three minutes from a running washroom (hence the "fake" camping). It's good.
Well, I need to rest my arms, they still really hurt.
*sigh*
I realize my posts are sometimes rather depressing. Welcome to me, not depressed, just dark. Anyways, I thought I would post a few favourites. I tend to list favourite things after a bout of blog depression. So, here goes some favourite summer things, and some favourite ramdon things.

1. Banana popsicles. Hand me one and I will be your best friend until I'm finished it.
2. watermelon with seeds. No matter how hard I try to stay clean, it ends up running down my face. I love it though, such a childhood fuzzy feeling memory.
3. Veggie Tales, they make me smile ALL the time.
4. sandal tan lines, basically the only tan line I can get.
5. Loud music with my windows rolled down, and long country roads. I especially like Avril Lavigne on long, country road drives. Her and Greenday.
6. headphones
7. shelf space (gives me a reason to buy new books)
8. my fire pit
9. garlic roasted shrimp.
10. summer rain
11. reese peanut butter cups
12. Jeep TJ's with the doors off, playing loud 70's rock 'n roll
13. Canada Day. I have a new appreciation for this holiday.
14. silky, smooth legs. St. Ives Whipped Silk works miracles.
15. capri pants. Screw the Bermuda's give me capri's and Dr. Marten's
16. my hemp anklet that jingles when I walk
17. Iced Cappuccinos
18. 2005 Chrysler 300s
19. Crest Whitenng Expressions Extreme Herbal Mint toothpaste
20. the smell of JD's shower gel. Some adidas stuff.
21. birthday cards
22. flip flops, and ball caps. I don't wear either, but with I was the type that did.
23. the fresh, new pencil smell (reminded me of 'pen is envy' from an Atwood book).
24. reading with a blanket and bowl of popcorn on my deck
25. flowers, lots of them everywhere, hanging, potted, planted in a garden, in a vase, ooo I love it.
26. layering tank tops
27. taking photos.

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These trees in Portugal

29. note books for random jotting

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Carrie

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Making milkshakes at work

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I Can't Help Falling in Love With You

I have a post but I don't want to post it. I have things to say, but I'd rather keep them inside. I had a good day yesterday, despite things, but their lingering presence is still here and I can't shake it. My heart loves, and it is being torn out. My body is scared, not only to let go for a little while, but also for other reasons, which I am not capable of sharing right now. Writing, for the moment, won't help what I am feeling, so I close.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Busy Busy Busy

I have been extremely busy over the past week. Wow. Am I ever glad it's over. I have some pictures to share as soon as I upload them from the cd. You can have a little look at what I was doing.
Anyways, I will update soon.

___________________________________________________________________
Alright, I uploaded a few pictures. These were taken in a classroom, at a really old, but nice school. Anyways, for those who are reading this that were there...three cheers for being finished. Congrats!!
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Kindergarten training with Shelley (all the ladies wore pink accidentally. I am not in this picture, but I was wearing pink as well. It was rather funny!).

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Alyson, from Wasaga Beach.

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Daysi

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Me, writing a test, which I aced with 100% because I rock!

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Jamie

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Mr. Wurtz, our professor.

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Vicki, marking some books

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Me, marking some books. Don't I look like a teacher!!