Sanctuary: A Vehement Discourse

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Prayers and Thanksgiving

My title is two fold. I will begin with the most important thing on my mind tonight. Lost for words? That I am. I realize this blog is open to people who reach to the otherside of the world, and then to my back yard. In this one single case I am glad people read this. Most times, I prefer to be private and only let a select few read my thoughts. Today, I am glad you are reading these words which I will prepare to write.

I have a very very special friend who is in need of some intercession. This person is very dear to my heart, as close as my own mother. This person has seen me through/is seeing me through a difficult time, and is a blessing to know. This persons actions, love, integrity and mercy are all something I wish I had more of in my own life. This person has taught me some of the greatest lessons, and has no idea. This person has no idea how highly I speak of them. This person is so beautiful, comical, thoughtful. This person needs prayer. There is no information I can divulge. Most of you that know me well, know that when I am told something in confidence, it is kept that way. So, I am just begging for prayer. This person means the world to me, and I don't want to let go, and I don't want this person to let go. I am not sure what to tell you to pray, just pray whatever it is on your heart. Please don't come to me asking for names and situations so that you can tell God. He knows. Believe me, I've cried out many nights, He knows names, and situations. He knows. Please stand with me in faith. God knows we need it.

Just a side thought, for you...dearest you: Remember in Exodus when the battle was going on and Moses had to hold up his arm for which ever team was winning? He got tired and Joshua had to hold up his arms. I will hold up your arms when you are tired. I will hold your hand through the rain, I will laugh with you in the sunshine, and hold you in the darkness. Carried.

Thanksgiving: In just a few short hours JD will be home. I am nervous. I've got butterflies. But, boy am I excited!!
posted by ria at 11:21 PM | link

Thursday, August 25, 2005

And There Will Be Much Rejoicing

Four days to go. Four days until JD comes home. Four days filled with documents to be written, enterance tests to be written and marked, a job to go to (where I will mark said tests and watch One Tree Hill) and camp to attend. Not to mention all the other things that will come up in the mean time, like showering, laundry, feeding my cat, painting my toenails, and so on. Sunday is the big day. Will things be better when he's home? Probably not, but I will have one of my best friends beside me. Even though he doesn't get me sometimes.

Worship tonight was amazing. Whenever I am in the place where God needs to move the most in my life, He shows up im my music. I find that he ministers with every note I play. It was just the only peace I have felt in such a long time. The moment my fingers hit the keys I found myself lost in another realm. I was free from my thoughts for the moment, and my soul met with the melody and took flight. Each chord was a sound from my heart, each harmony from my lips was a cry from my inner most being. A cry for sanctuary, peace, liberty, healing.

When worship had concluded I was returned back to my thoughts, back to the things that were heavy on my heart. For those few moments I was able to be Erica. I was able to grab a piece of myself back that the devil had stolen. The simplicity that I felt was so reassuring. I wish I could go back to that moment. The feeling is starting to fade and I am getting scared. I constantly rebuke the fear. I refuse to walk in fear, yet it still tries to grab hold of me.

I feel distracted. For some reason I can't finish this post, so I will leave you with this.

...oh and I need to charge my cell phone.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Borrow Mine


I recently received the gift of a song. It speaks volumes on the act of borrowing when yours has run out, when the well is dried up. Whatever it is that has run out, whether it be joy, faith, peace, whatever it is I've got enough to share.

I'm not really sure what I want to say. I've been lacking in the thought process department lately. My mind will think a thought and I go to grab onto it and it slips away. Listening has been my hardest task as of late. I can't grasp what people are saying, although I will nod, be polite and answer questions. When the one sided conversaiton is over I ask myself what the heck it was they were talking about. This makes me feel very stupid.

I almost started to cry today at work. There was this nice woman there who wanted a Latte. She had no idea what the difference was between Latte and Cappuccino. I explained it several times, and still, the blank stare. She had me so flustered I almost lost it on her. I held myself back.

...I need to master the art of holding myself back.

more to come

Saturday, August 20, 2005

INFP

This picture, my friends, is so true. I would just like to say that whom ever the brilliant person was that thought this up, is, well...brilliant.

I'm not really sure what I want to post on tonight. I might just post some observations, oh oh, maybe a new '100 things about me' list (that should be well worth your time reading this!). Or I might just post a bunch of senseless information. Stuff that I care not about, that you should care not about, but that I will post, for lack of anything better.

I just mis read a container which I thought was a milk one. I really felt the need to drink milk just now. I rarely drink it and decided that my bones are worth it, so down to the fridge I went. Instead of pouring myself half a glass of cool, refreshing, skim milk, it turns out I pour myself half a glass of cool, thick, 18% table cream. One gulp and I was gagging. Not cool my friends, not cool at all. I think I will just stick to water for the rest of the night.

I took in a shopping trip for the better part of my afternoon today. With all the clothing I've accumulated, one would never guess that I'd rather be dragged by an 18 wheeler transport truck down the middle of a gravel road, than shop. I detest shopping (Read: HATE IT). For one, there is way to much stimulation. I cannot stand being in the middle of a crowded place. I hate being bumped, and slow walkers anger me. I can handle it if there are elderly people, you know, we need to make allowances for others; but if you just walk slow because you think it's the cool thing to do, and it will help you prolong your life, and let you take in as much scenery as you can, and will keep your heart rate at an even keel, and just because you are plain stupid...I don't like that. I am a fast walker, I like to get in and out, know exaclty what I am going for and make a beeline to the doors ASAP. Don't get in my way. Folks, I hate malls. Secondly, if the first was not bad enough. Trying on clothing is second to cleaning cat litter. Just a dirty, disgusting job. I can never find the right size. Why? Because my legs are so freakishly long and my waist so freakishly, uhh...well, it doesn't fit the pants right. I have no behind. I need to find pants that don't accentuate the fact that they swim on me. I need to find pants that I fill out, not that fall off. It is a difficult task.
I may just continue this blog is the form of a list. I am starting to annoy myself.
~barfed in the washroom at my church's campground (which I just recently found out, was a nudist campground in the 70's). My question is now: weren't all campgrounds nudist ones in the 70's?
~got asked how I clip my toenails by Lydia. Sometimes I wonder if that girl realizes she has a full brain.
~got drenched in rain, even though I was under an umbrella.
~Took the Myer-Briggs Personality Test thingee. My results:

INFP – "The Idealist"
Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well. INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. INFPs are flexible and laid-back until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching.

Strengths:
• Warmly concerned and caring towards others
• Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
• Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
• Deep capacity for love and caring
Driven to meet other's needs
• Strive for "win-win" situations
• Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
• Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
• Able to express themselves well
• Flexible and diverse
Weaknesses:
• May tend to be shy and reserved
• Don't like to have their "space" invaded
• Extreme dislike of conflict
• Extreme dislike of criticism
• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
• May react very emotionally to stressful situations
• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
• Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
• Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders


...more evidence pointing to my being a freak.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Blind Faith

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I was going to post what I was working on, but I decided that I would save it for later. Today, I have a picture, words, a heart crying out.

I have been trying to imagine what blind faith looks like. I like visuals, so to put a photo to a common phrase seems to let me know what it really is. I can't explain what blind faith is in words, I can't even tell you why I've decided to have this kind of faith, but because I stand to my word, here it is. This picture is what I am going to do. Do you see the light? Do you see the ray of hope in the distance? Do you see how dark it is up until that point? Blind faith: looking straight ahead, having tunnel vision, being blindsighted, seeing an ocean of hope in the distance, going that extra mile for someone you love. That is what I promise, that is what I will do, this is why I will carry on, this is what I am willing to do.


Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my lifeI've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me

Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Oh lead me
to the place where i can find you
oh lead me
to the place where you'll be

lead me to the cross
where we first met
draw me to my knees
so we can talk
let me feel your breath
let me know you're here with me

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

End

The smell of a dying out bon fire is wafting through the deck doors. My nose is filled with the comforting aroma, and I sit here on my overstuffed chair, cat in lap, wondering what to do next. Wondering if I should leave? Wondering if I should stay? Wondering if I should say what I really want to say, or just to leave it alone. Two nights in a row I have watched the sun set, two mornings in a row I have rejected its rise. In all fairness to the obligations I have, I force myself thru another day.

Oh how beautiful it is to hear that voice. That voice which brings so much comfort in the midst of an ongoing storm. A voice so unexpected. Yours. Although it was for a brief moment, it still rings throughout my head. Lets me know you will be home soon. Thank you for giving the unexpected today.

I have decided that when I walk down the aisle to meet my husband, it will be to a instrumental version of Be Thou My Vision. I have not been able to stop playing that song all night. It holds more meaning to me now, than when I first decided to play it. I am not sure why the enlightenment, it just seems comforting in this eleventh hour.

So far I haven't said anything that shares what is really on my heart. I am thinking of death. I am thinking of a young boy who is in heaven or in some hospital room fighting for his life, or fighting to let go. I am thinking of his friends, and lack of them. I am thinking of her, whose blank stare I can't shake from my mind. The her who is losing another boyfriend, who is losing the will to nourish herself, losing the will to make it on her own. I am wondering how long she will hold on for. And now my heart screams. She is just a baby, and I want to take it all away for her. I want to go back in time and hurt the people who have hurt her, those who have taken her innocence and used it as their own pleasure. I want to go back and hurt the family who lied to her, who told her it would be ok but then tore her heart out. I want to go back and tell her that she is beautiful, that every part of her was created by God and is amazing. I want to take the monster away from her. I want to burn Ana, the one ruining her life. I want to hold on for her. I want to give her a best friend again. I want to be whatI am supposed to be for her, because I don't know how much longer she will have the will to live.

For the older sister, who shall remain nameless. I want to fight for her. I want to hold her. I want to assure her that what she is thinking is wrong. That it is ok. I want her to know how much I need her, and that tears are streaming down my face right now. I want her to know that she has saved me. That God gave her to me for a reason, and I am so blessed. I want to take whatever it is for her and just throw it to the wind. I want to walk along the beach with her, make sure she isn't alone. Walk the narrow path alongside her.

I want to be with the one whose life I've bore my soul to. I want to feel those arms wrapped around me again. I want to feel the security and unconditional love. I want not just the voice, but the presence as well. I want to feel his hands holding me up.

I want to be with Jesus. I forget what it feels like to hear his heartbeat.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

For Lack of a Better Title

...and the phone rings.
How do I explain today in a matter of words? It started out with me sleeping in an hour and 45 minutes making myself almost late. I set my first alarm for 6 a.m., thinking how wonderful it would be to think that I conned myself into sleeping in. I set my second alarm for 7 A.m. I know what you are thinking (it takes two alarms??) Folks, yes, yes it does. Second alarm rings, and I hit the button turning it off. I figured I had a bit of extra time just to snooze, and my stomach was totally crammped up. I thought fifteen minutes would do the trick. An hour and forty-five minutes later I stumble out of bed throw some clothes on because I am insanely late and run to the kitchen to grab a bite so my stomach doesn't growl during church. Then it hits me. This crashing wave of nausea. I bolt to the bathroom, barf my brains out, splash cold water on my face and brush my teeth. I felt a bit better. As I was walking out the door it hit again. I go running to the bathroom. BAM! Anyways, that was the bulk of my morning. I make it to church just in time to practice and practically pass out on a chair. Oh, did I mention my pants didn't fit, and I had to change before I left in the morning. Apparently I gained weight over night. Gross. Yay for being over 100 pounds. Holy heck I am probably 200 now!!

Anyways, now I am in fat pants, have been for the bulk of the day. Nice, big, comfortable, pink, Campus Crew sweat pants. I feel like a whale. My skin colour has nothing to it, I am gray. I took to many Advil extra strength liqui-gels. Everytime I close my eyes I see spiders. If I keep one eye open, I don't see anything. I think the meds was a bad idea. I am not sure if I am stoned out of my tree, or just still nauseated.

Carrie, we missed our annual birthday dinner/movie where I buy you an awesome gift and you buy me a thong. I miss you. So I will write you a poem, it's cheesy, but it's our thing.

Carrie is cute, crafty and cunning
Also she is awesome and anxious and alluring
Really, I love her, she is my dear wife
Right now we are busy and have no time to umm...hang out.
I like her because she's cute, and it just so happens that she is older than I
Each day goes by and I think of her and cry

Right now she is probably scrapbooking her memories
And thinking of old times when we would act crazy
Don't even ask what we would do
Funny, it involved many trips to the loo
Oh how I miss her, we've gone our seperate ways
Rainy days go by and I think of her when I shave
Dear Carrie, you are my best-est-est friend. Happy Birthday to you and friends til the end.

...yep I'm stoned.
Anyways, I love you carebear. Call my cell phone, I pick it up more often then the landline. Oh wait, better yet...I'll call you :)

Well, I pretty much have nothing letft to say.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Can someone tell me when this ride is over?

Things I am trying to do:
-recover from constant bashing from my sister. Who knew two hormonal women in the same household could make me want to move as far away as possible?
-recover from being bashed by a leadership I thought I could trust.
-have a relationship with someone who is not here.
-pack up alifetime of possessions and memories to move them once again.
-patch up a broken heart
-put my cat on a diet
-keep myself from going crazy
-eat candy. I haven't touched any. I did eat smoothie skittles, just a handful, but the rest is being stolen by my sister.
-clean my room
-find my socks
-do laundry

...post a blog

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Out on a Limb

I feel stoned as I sit here and stare at whatever it is I am staring at. Ray Charles is serenading with Amazing Grace in the background, and I am cold. My basement is usually cold. Lethargic is the only word that comes to mind right now. My mother keeps asking me if I am in another place right now. I guess I am distant. What else is new? The song is over taking my emotions and I can't handle it. How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed.

I feel like dancing. Maybe I just feel like holding on to someone holding me up. Maybe I just wish JD could be here. Maybe I feel like letting the salty water caress my feet.

I really have nothing to say.

Blank

I am of few words tonight. I know I have to post, and you deserve another enlightening Erica craziness, but tonight I just can't I hope you understand.