Sanctuary

Stuffmart

2005-10-18T18:16:00.000-04:00

More crap to keep you occupied while I am in a funk.

1. What's your middle name : Laine
2. What color pants are you wearing right now? Black
3. What are you listening to right now: Trans-Siberian Orchestra (Christmas Canon)
4. What was the last thing you ate: um, mashed potatoes
5. If you were a crayon what color would you be: dark pink
6. How is the weather right now: tit bit nipply
7. Last person you talked to on the phone: Mave
8. First thing you notice about the opposite sex: smile
9. How are you today? I don't know
10. Favorite Drink: vanilla soy milk
11. Favorite sport: volleyball or golf
12. Hair Color: brown/blonde
13. Eye Color: blue
14. Do you wear contacts: when I am not sick
15. Siblings: sister Karlie, brother Justin
16. Favorite Month: October
17. Favorite Food(s): vegan (Tabouli, falafel, cous cous)
18. Last movie you watched: Kicking and Screaming
19. Favorite Day of the Year: DOn't have one.
20. Summer or Winter: neither
21. Hugs or Kisses: hugs
22. Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
23. Living Arrangements: moving
24. What books are you reading: Bible, and anything I am teaching to my students
25. What's on your mouse pad: don't use one anymore
26. Favorite Board Game: Clue
27. What did you do last night: passed out and didn't wake up.
28. Favorite Smells: JD, babies (not the stinky ones), the ocean
29. Can you touch your nose with your tongue: no, I have a short tongue
30. What inspires you: my family, art, music, people who fight despite odds.
31. What is the best vacation you have ever had? Portugal (and yes, I went there for more than two weeks. I was more like 4 months)

1. Pet Peeves: Weird women, drivers who pull out infront of me and make me slow down.

2. Favorite Sounds: music, laughing, kids giggling

3. Desk Items: On this desk...3-in-1 printer, monitor, tower, candle, new spinbrush, phone, kleenex box, cd's, pen, hemp necklace, ring, mini disk player, JD's army beret, a tack of blank dvd's, headphones, cologne.

4. Biggest Fears: losing my loved ones

5. Biggest Challenges: teaching

6. Newest 'Toys': um, I don't buy toys. I am more of a book person.

7. Most Used Words: oh ok

8. Most misspelled Words: then and than. I ALWAYS mess them up, and I was an English major.

9. Favorite Cartoon Characters: Family Guy

10. Your Homepage: Google

FIRST'S
First best friend: Lisa Essegern
First car: '95 Cavalier
First real kiss: Eric
First break-up: Sean Adams, when I was 16
First self purchased album: Rebecca St. James
First enemy: I don't really have any
First music you remember hearing in your house: Gospel

LAST'S
Last kiss: JD about 10 minutes ago
Last good cry: yesterday
Last library book checked out: Ihaven't been to the libary in ages. I go to Chapters/Indigo and buy my books
Last beverage drank: Iced Cappuccino
Last food consumed: potatoes
Last crush: JD, he's not really a crush though
Last phone call: Mave
Last time showered: this morning
Last annoyance: umm, this afternoon my students got on my nerves
Last time wanting to die: personal, nevermind.

FAVORITES
Boy's names: Elijah, and Benjamin
Girl's names: Abigail, Skye, Sophia
Subjects in school: English, history, biology
Animals: kitties

HAVE YOU EVER
Given anyone a bath? yes
Smoked? yes
Bungee jumped? Nope
Made yourself throw up? yes
Skinny dipped? not answering
Been in love? Yes
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? maybe when I was little, yes.
Pictured your crush naked? Yes
Actually seen your crush naked? heh.
Been rejected? probably
Rejected someone? yeah

ARE YOU
Understanding: I think so, I try to be
Open-minded: to some things, yes
Arrogant: not that I know of. Am I?
Insecure: Definately
Moody: When I haven't had anything to eat for a while.
Organized: YES. overly.
Bored easily: no
Obsessed: with a few things. Lipgloss to name one
Disappointed: yes
Happy: with JD yes. Otherwise I am not very happy.

WHO DO YOU WANNA
Kill: Kenny (from South Park, don't get all worried now).
Slap: no one really
Look like: Charlize Theron
Talk to offline: anyone
Talk to online: doesn't matter

WHICH IS BETTER
Coke or Pepsi: neither
Flowers or candy: flowers
Tall or short: Tall

RANDOM
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: maybe for 5 minutes (ask me when I am in labour)
Wish you were younger: nope

NUMBER OF
Of guys I've kissed: maybe 4 or 5
Of girls I've kissed: ha

2005-10-18T17:22:00.000-04:00

Mezzanine Floor

2005-10-13T23:06:00.000-04:00

Last night I drank coffee. I drank this coffee pretty late. I drank this coffee pretty late because I an stupid. Tonight its sugar. Tonight I have sugar and red food colouring pumping through my system. I am talk/typing in short sentences because my mind is thinking in short sentences. I don't want to say that I am going crazy, but I may soon have to admit it.
Ok, I'm going crazy. There, the moment you've all been waiting for. I admitted it, and yes, yes it does feel good to finally be out if denial. I feel like I am in some sort of metamorphical stage. Not saying that I will morph into an animal or some super, freaky, alien, berserk creature or anything. Just saying I feel like I am inbetween what once was, and what is to come. Mezzanine floor, as I titled this post, is basically along the lines of how I feel. This is the first few rows of a theatre. The part where no one wants to sit for fear of a strained neck, blown ear drums, and some icky guy standing on the tier above with gross gel in his hair in the rain (if it is an out door theatre), having that icky gel drip down on you. You can tell I am speaking from literal experience. The mezzanine floor is where it is the loudest. Picture yourself at a U2 concert, or the Transiberian Orchestra concert. The sounds coming forth are beautiful, but the intensity causes such a verberation in your body that you feel sick, want to throw up, put your head in your hands, want to scream, weep, etc. You are in the middle. All the action is flying at you, and behind you is observation. You have to stay there because you paid for the damn ticket, you're stuck. The guy beside you smells like Old Spice and cigars, and your husband is sitting beside you. You wonder if everyone on this stage feels the same way. You then realize your husband was right, you should have went to see the ballet. You should have signed up for something less...intense, less dramatic. Intermission comes, but that just causes a flood of more chaos, and the voices, the rumble of voices, you can't make out a single word that is said, but you can hear.
This is where I am. Inbetween good and evil, yes and no, country and city, death and life.

...I need to finish my A&W Root Beer.

Untitled Hymn

2005-10-12T17:14:00.000-04:00

There is nothing I have to say. I know I have to post, I will post, but there is nothing to say that I care to actually say. I've stared at a guitar finger slide, and a bobby pin, concentrating, hoping for some inspiration. I haven't any luck. My day has inspired me to lash out irrationally. I haven't done that yet. I probably won't. My students have inspired me to get a different job.
My day was long. My energy is spent. I even downed some iron pills and milk thistle today. Hopefully they will kick in soon, get my energy up to a normal level. Someone said I should check my thyroid. Really, I think some parents should teach their children how to behave and treat their teachers with respect. We wouldn't have a problem then, would we? Maybe next year's class will be better? Who knows.
Keith Urban is coming to Hamilton in November. I just checked out tickets ($52.50CDN!!!!). I am so going to that concert. Anyways.
Um, I really have nothing to post.

1. Smoked cigarettes. – yes, and never will again
2. Smoked a cigar - yes, a wine and rum flavoured one. Actually not the whole thing
3. Broken a CD – yep, I went and broke everything that I couldn't confidentally listen to without feeling bad.
4. Crashed a friend's car - no, not that I am aware of?
5. Stolen a car – yes, but it was a friends, and it was a joke.
6. Been in love - yes, and enjoying being there right now.
7. Been dumped - once, and I was thrilled. I had no idea how to dump the guy. He was my first boyfriend. I was young. I m ade his life horrible until he dumped me.
8. Shoplifted - nope. I'm a good girl.
9. Been fired - nope, you want me to work for you. I'm Awesome!!
10. Been in a fist fight - I initiated a few when I was younger, believe it or not.
11. Snuck out of your house - yeah, we won't go there.
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - No
13. Been arrested - No. Oh man, I am thinking of a few funny stories, some badassed girl told me.
14. Made out with a stranger - No, strange people maybe.
15. Gone on a blind date - No, I've always been able to see my dates. Heh
16. Lied to a friend - no
17. Had a crush on a teacher - Yes, in University. I won't share which English prof it was.
18. Skipped school - No. BROWN NOSER!!!
19. Slept with a co-worker - heck no! I waited until after I quit.
20. Seen someone die - no
21. Been on a plane - Yep, loved it. Just hated the airports
22. Thrown up in a bar - I don't do bars, however I did throw up in the bathroom. What a story.
23. Taken painkillers – yep.
24. Love someone or miss someone right now - yes, a lot actually. A lot.
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by – yep. When I was a kid.
26. Made a snow angel - yeah, recently, too!
27. Played dress up - NEver
28. Cheated while playing a game – yes
29. Been lonely – often, usually when I am surounded by people.
30. Fallen asleep at work/school – yep!!
31. Used a fake id – I still have to use a fake ID. They think my real ID is fake. Yay for looking 16 at my age!
32. Felt an earthquake – Here in the south (Ontario South..not hick vill south) we never get any of that.
33. Touched a snake - No, and I will never!!
34. Ran a red light – Yes. So has JD in downtown H.Dot. OH MY!
35. Been suspended from school – No, good kid, remember?
36. Had detention - shamefully yes.
37. Been in a car accident – yes, a few times. Once I was even on a bike. WOW. Stupid Van driver.
38. Hated the way you look – every day.
39. Witnessed a crime - I wish. I want to go into the Witness Protection program.
40. Pole danced – as a joke with carrie outside my school.
41. Been lost – oh yeah! Me= perpetually lost.
42. Been to the opposite side of the country – no, but flown over numerous times.
43. Felt like dying – yep
44. Cried yourself to sleep - yep
45. Played cops and robbers – No, but once JD gets his police thingee, I will get to play it all the time. I will be living Cops and Robbers. Right now its Mas. Bombadiers and Sargeants
46. Sang karaoke – Nope.
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't – yes, like the time I...wait...never mind.
48. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose - Yes, oddly this happens to me all the time. I hate my friends. Nah, just the ones who make me laugh.
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue - Nope. My mother, bless her heart, told me the old adage about there being deadly toxins and other such poisonous somethings that would get into my system. however, once I made a snoman cookie at christmas and I added a bit of yellow food colouring so it looked like dog pee on the bottom of it. Yep, nothing do to with the question.
50. Kissed in the rain - maybe not the rain, but some sort of water, yes.
51. Sing in the shower – Never. You should hear JD though. Actually, I am surprised you can't.
52. Made love in a park - no.
53. Had a dream that you married someone - yeah, once, a few months ago.
54. Glued your hand to something – No, I don't like things touching my hads that are sticky, gooey, filmy, dirty, etc.
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole – No, but I've witnessed that before.
56. Worn the opposite sex's clothes – No, I am not into that. I might wear JD's tee shirts to bed, or his boxers.
57. Had an orgasm - mais oui.
58. Sat on a roof top – no, I don't think so.
59. Didn't take a shower for a week - Sick, no way.
60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone – I am scared to watch Scary movies period. Dawn of the Dead was the latest.
61. Played chicken – not me, personally, but I was in the car with someone playing chicken.
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on – I was dumped in the lake with my clothes on.
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger- All the time, yes. Heh..no not really. But I have been told I am hot by strangers.
64. Broken a bone – yep, many. Never a fun thing to do for me. My bones are like...well, I don't drink enough calcium.
65. Been easily amused - maybe, not recently though, so I've forgotten the feeling.
66. Laugh so hard you cry – yeah
67. Mooned/flashed someone - not a stranger. And never mooned. Ew. You don't want to see my butt.
68. Cheated on a test – yes.
69. Forgotten someone's name – No. I'm one one of those psychos that remembers everything.
70. Slept naked – yep.
71. Gone skinny dipping in a pool- ummm...
72. Been kicked out of your house – it was a threat.
73. Blacked out from drinking – passed out, yes.
74. Played a prank on someone – yes. I knew the most wicked people.
75. Gone to a late night movie – yep, all the time.
76. Made love to anything not human- like my cat or something? no...wait I...heheh....got you thinking, eh!
77. Failed a class – Religion 101 in University. Yep. I'm THAT good.
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat – oh gosh, yes.
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours - not for more than ten hours, no.
80. Cheated on a gf/bf – nope.
81. Ate a whole package of Oreos – GACK! no. Chocolate is not my thing. Fake chocolate is even more not my thing.
82. Thrown strange objects - haven't we all at one point or another?
83. Felt like killing someone – yeah
84. Thought about running away - yep. and I did. One day, I will share that story.
85. Ran away – I guess today is that day. Yes, on my bike, when I was 12, ran out of popcorn, rode my bike home.
86. Did drugs – Yes. AND I love pug dogs.
87. Had detention and not attend it - No. I was always prompt, if not five minutes early, with tons of homework
88. Yelled at parents - yep.
89. Made parent cry - I have no idea.
90. Cried over someone - many times, yes.
91. Owned more than 5 puppies- sick, no, but that question made me think og owning 5 pugs...that was a good thought.
92. Dated someone more than once - like dated and then dumped and then dated again? no never.
93. Have a dog – not that I know of.
94. Have a cat – yes, a shaved tabby, Tilly
95. Own an instrument – yep. A Beautiful turn of the century upright grand, and a keyboard, and the top of a clarinet, and 4 guitars.
96. Been in a band - yep.
97. Had more than 25 sodas in one day – ew, no. I can't even down one can.
98. Made out with a member of the same sex – not telling
99. Shot a gun – yep, not a real one mind you.
100. Been online for more than 5 hours straight – yes

Much Afraid

2005-10-01T13:41:00.000-04:00

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I never knew how difficult teaching would be. I am thinking of early retirement. Has anyone ever retired before age 30? I have a goup of boys who have obviously been infantized as children, constantly talking in their whiny, dramatic baby voices. Baby talk and whininess are two of my pet peeves. These kids are not two anymore. I've decided that there will be no more nice. I will no longer be nice, I will not hand out awards for best behaved. I get a total of ten minutes a day of silence, if that. From this point on, I am going to be the evil teacher that no one wants. This thrills me. I understand, now, why my grade six teacher would break down in tears on a daily basis. My drive home is tear filled. I won't let the kids see it, but I cry. I thought it would be fun to teach my love of literature, and history. These kids have made it difficult for me to even like it anymore. I do, however, like the younger grades. I think the kids look at me as a big sister. They are always hanging on me and making me play hula hoops for recess. I can't hula hoop just for the records.
I took Friday off. It was a nice break, and I got to see JD's family. Unfortunately his grandparents were too sick and requested no visitors, so I ended up going to a football game, and hockey game instead. Throughout the whole football game I had the sun in my eyes, and a mother in law asking me why I was so pale and why I had my winter jacket on, and what was JD doing to me to make me so sick. She's a nut, but I love her. I didn't want to watch the game. I was too cold, not feeling well, and my mind was elsewhere. We spent the afternoon shopping for inscence and looking through this store called The Circle Game. Its kind of a hippy shop, but it has a lot of nice things in it. I wanted to buy the Nag Chompa inscence, but instead we got a combination of Sandal Wood, Apple, and Vanilla sticks. They smell fantastic.
The rest of the afternoon I spent watching Sponge Bob, and Malcom in the Middle with JD and the Wilkinsons (sounds like a country band, JD and the Wilkinsons...he he). The hockey game was interesting. I sat with Natalie, one of JD's sisters, and we read some girl's text messaging. She was sitting infront of us and making her messaging quite obvious to those sitting behind her. Basically that was my day. I wish I could share more, tell how I really feel, but I can't.

Nada Pt. II

2005-09-27T15:52:00.000-04:00

1. What time do you get up? Usually 5:30-6:00

2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? My momma (what an odd lunch that would be), and my favourite aunt, but Iwill have to wait until heaven for that one.

3. Gold or Silver? Platinum. I am not a fan of gold, or silver.

4. What is your favorite TV show? One Tree Hill. And another one, but I can't say it. Its my secret.

5. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Wedding Crashers (each time I saw that, my sister brought a new boyfriend).

6. What did you have for breakfast? nothing, I smelled a plum, does that count?

7. Who would you hate to get stuck in a room with? George W. Bush.

8. What/who inspires you? Anyone who has the will to push through.

9. What is your middle name? Laine

10. Beach , City or Country? I am the ultimate city girl. I love the city. I love fast paced driving, walking, living. I am moving to the country, but above all, I'd prefer the beach :)

11. Favorite ice cream? cherry Garcia. Please, nothing chocolate.

12. Buttered, plain or salted popcorn? the smell of popcorn makes my stomach turn

13. Favorite color? pink and green

14. What kind of car do you drive? Lexus 300 IS (black). I lied.

15. Favorite Sandwich ? Alflafa sprouts and soy butter on flax bread. I lean towards a minimalist, vegan diet.

16. What characteristic do you despise? Patience. Heh. No, I Hate lying.

17. Favorite flower? gerbera daisies, cala lilies, white roses, etc.

18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Fiji, to the fist annual Fijiean Film Festival. I wouldn't mind the French Riviera either.

19 What color is your bathroom? ummmmmm, cream colour, with blue and pink accents. I DID not decorate.

20. Favorite brand of clothing? Parasuco, AE, anything that doesn't make me look flat chested, or flat assed. RW&Co. is good for the teacher clothes.

21. Where would you retire to? beach house like the one on SOmethings Gotta Give. My retirement is in 40 years. I am counnting down. (8 billion more sleeps).

22. Favorite day of the week? Murshaday. I hate days of the week.

23. Favorite sport to watch? golf, oh and football.

24. Where were you born? in a hospital

25. What did you do for your last birthday? I don't remember. I think I worked. I celebrated on another day.

26. What fabric detergent do you use? Downy

27. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Vanilla Coke

28. Are you a morning person or a night owl? either, depends on the day. Today I was a 2:30 person.

29. What is your shoe size? 9. This is also a secret. Please don't go telling everyone.

30. Do you have any pets? cat Tilly and Smushed peanut butter cup Cheryl

WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Ria, Kitten, Abu (as of late)

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? AE jeans. They are dark, and emphasize my lack of butt.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? smile. I love it when anyone's eyes light up when they smile.

WHAT IS THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? Kutless. Don't even ask about the last cd I made. FRUSTRATING!!

WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? I love Portugal, right near the ocean, it is just so amazing. My favourite place is the ocean.

WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? In the mall. Or on a sidewalk when you have to walk by someone. If they smell, blech. I can't stand that. OH!! In church when my stomach is grumbling.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? hands

WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? depends on the situation. I think strong in mind allows you to be strong in body.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? blender

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY? Swinging on the swings with my mom when I was like 3, she used to sing Imagine from Polka dot door

WHAT ANGERS YOU? A lot of things, right now...space that divides, and situations.

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? When people use the wrong word. LIke when Ian said, I am going to deserve this chair for my friend.

IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT WHAT WOULD IT BE? fiddle

FAVORITE RESTAURANT/CAFE/EATERY? Williams, and some nice places in Hess Village

IF THERE WAS A MOVIE MADE ABOUT YOU, WHAT CURRENT/FORMER HOLLYWOOD
STAR WOULD PLAY YOU? Natalie POrtman, probably. She's quirky.

FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? Balloonia. I also loved Big Sarah's Little Boots

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Autumn

WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE? taking out the trash

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? to heal people. I want to touch someone and they supernaturally become better. Or to fly.

IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO/PEIRCING, WHAT IS IT? tattoos scare me.

WHO WAS YOUR FIRST CRUSH AND AT WHAT AGE? I don't really remember

THE SONG THAT DESCRIBES YOU?: "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls

DO YOU PREFER CAT'S OR DOG'S? I dont really like animals except for Pugs and Tilly

WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? A blanket, school books, an Anthology of 17th Century British Literature, a bungee chord, a bag of clothes, and hand lotion.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY? February 29 on leap year

IN ONE WORD DESCRIBE YOURSELF? Loopy

WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? I think all my friends are my best friends. I try not to keep my friends at arms length.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST REGRET? this year....?? heh. Well, I can't say.

WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU SAID? I'll stay with her, you can go home. (To Vicki who was waiting with Ariel because she was sick...long story)

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW? many things. Thinking about my momma, thinking about JD, thinking about the open house my mother is having at her school, thinking about why my desk is so messy, etc.

Nada

2005-09-25T23:23:00.000-04:00

University: Western, or U of T
Song: Deliver Me, by David Crowder
Album: Beautiful Letdown, Switchfoot
Movie: {the} Hours
TV Show: One Tree Hill
Actor: Vin Diesel, but not for his acting. JD is convinced he's gay.
College: Seneca
Cook Book: no favourite.
Shampoo: Peppermint and Tea Tree Oil, Paul Mitchell. And anything Matrix.
Store: AE, and RW&Co., and the Gap, and Campus Crew, and....(but I hate shopping)
Starbucks Drink: Vanilla Bean Latte
High School: Assumption
Bookstore: Chapters/Indigo
Clothing store: AE
Smell: Romance, by Ralph Lauren
Sport: golf, and volleyball
Food: greek Salad
Form of art: Impressionist, and oils. I love Monet.
Decade: I am a big fan of the 00's. Since I've lived in the 80's, 90's and now...I'd say the best is now. Better clothes, better hairstyles, better music.
Time to go to sleep: never
City: TO
Magazine: Cosmo, and anything to do with interior design.
Boy besides JD: none. Seriously...none
Band: Switchfoot
Doughnut: Boston Cream (but I never eat doughnuts anymore).
Record Store: Sunrise
Beatles Album: Greatest hits
Method of Birth Control: none.
Kind of Computer: um, yeah I don't know. One with a see through tower, and blue lights, kind of funky.
Little brother: Mine, cause he's cool
Room: Sydney OPera House washroom
Writing utensil: No.2 penicl
Bag: Louis Vuitton

...pointless

2005-09-18T22:44:00.000-04:00

So I am supposed to update this blog? I guess that is part of the rules right? Ok.....ready
wait for it....wait for it....

UPDATE

Emma

2005-09-06T11:14:00.000-04:00

This is Emma. She's our Springer Spaniel for the next week or so. She loves me much much more than she loves JD. She whines and cries and barks when I am gone. Oh how I feel special. She can't swim, but we will be teaching her how to later on today.
I have nothing else to post, and really, I don't care. I am slacking, I'll admit. Anyways, cute dog, I know!

Prayers and Thanksgiving

2005-08-27T23:21:00.000-04:00

My title is two fold. I will begin with the most important thing on my mind tonight. Lost for words? That I am. I realize this blog is open to people who reach to the otherside of the world, and then to my back yard. In this one single case I am glad people read this. Most times, I prefer to be private and only let a select few read my thoughts. Today, I am glad you are reading these words which I will prepare to write.

I have a very very special friend who is in need of some intercession. This person is very dear to my heart, as close as my own mother. This person has seen me through/is seeing me through a difficult time, and is a blessing to know. This persons actions, love, integrity and mercy are all something I wish I had more of in my own life. This person has taught me some of the greatest lessons, and has no idea. This person has no idea how highly I speak of them. This person is so beautiful, comical, thoughtful. This person needs prayer. There is no information I can divulge. Most of you that know me well, know that when I am told something in confidence, it is kept that way. So, I am just begging for prayer. This person means the world to me, and I don't want to let go, and I don't want this person to let go. I am not sure what to tell you to pray, just pray whatever it is on your heart. Please don't come to me asking for names and situations so that you can tell God. He knows. Believe me, I've cried out many nights, He knows names, and situations. He knows. Please stand with me in faith. God knows we need it.

Just a side thought, for you...dearest you: Remember in Exodus when the battle was going on and Moses had to hold up his arm for which ever team was winning? He got tired and Joshua had to hold up his arms. I will hold up your arms when you are tired. I will hold your hand through the rain, I will laugh with you in the sunshine, and hold you in the darkness. Carried.

Thanksgiving: In just a few short hours JD will be home. I am nervous. I've got butterflies. But, boy am I excited!!

And There Will Be Much Rejoicing

2005-08-25T00:12:00.000-04:00

Four days to go. Four days until JD comes home. Four days filled with documents to be written, enterance tests to be written and marked, a job to go to (where I will mark said tests and watch One Tree Hill) and camp to attend. Not to mention all the other things that will come up in the mean time, like showering, laundry, feeding my cat, painting my toenails, and so on. Sunday is the big day. Will things be better when he's home? Probably not, but I will have one of my best friends beside me. Even though he doesn't get me sometimes.

Worship tonight was amazing. Whenever I am in the place where God needs to move the most in my life, He shows up im my music. I find that he ministers with every note I play. It was just the only peace I have felt in such a long time. The moment my fingers hit the keys I found myself lost in another realm. I was free from my thoughts for the moment, and my soul met with the melody and took flight. Each chord was a sound from my heart, each harmony from my lips was a cry from my inner most being. A cry for sanctuary, peace, liberty, healing.

When worship had concluded I was returned back to my thoughts, back to the things that were heavy on my heart. For those few moments I was able to be Erica. I was able to grab a piece of myself back that the devil had stolen. The simplicity that I felt was so reassuring. I wish I could go back to that moment. The feeling is starting to fade and I am getting scared. I constantly rebuke the fear. I refuse to walk in fear, yet it still tries to grab hold of me.

I feel distracted. For some reason I can't finish this post, so I will leave you with this.

...oh and I need to charge my cell phone.

Borrow Mine

2005-08-22T16:21:00.000-04:00

I recently received the gift of a song. It speaks volumes on the act of borrowing when yours has run out, when the well is dried up. Whatever it is that has run out, whether it be joy, faith, peace, whatever it is I've got enough to share.

I'm not really sure what I want to say. I've been lacking in the thought process department lately. My mind will think a thought and I go to grab onto it and it slips away. Listening has been my hardest task as of late. I can't grasp what people are saying, although I will nod, be polite and answer questions. When the one sided conversaiton is over I ask myself what the heck it was they were talking about. This makes me feel very stupid.

I almost started to cry today at work. There was this nice woman there who wanted a Latte. She had no idea what the difference was between Latte and Cappuccino. I explained it several times, and still, the blank stare. She had me so flustered I almost lost it on her. I held myself back.

...I need to master the art of holding myself back.

more to come

INFP

2005-08-20T23:08:00.000-04:00

This picture, my friends, is so true. I would just like to say that whom ever the brilliant person was that thought this up, is, well...brilliant.

I'm not really sure what I want to post on tonight. I might just post some observations, oh oh, maybe a new '100 things about me' list (that should be well worth your time reading this!). Or I might just post a bunch of senseless information. Stuff that I care not about, that you should care not about, but that I will post, for lack of anything better.

I just mis read a container which I thought was a milk one. I really felt the need to drink milk just now. I rarely drink it and decided that my bones are worth it, so down to the fridge I went. Instead of pouring myself half a glass of cool, refreshing, skim milk, it turns out I pour myself half a glass of cool, thick, 18% table cream. One gulp and I was gagging. Not cool my friends, not cool at all. I think I will just stick to water for the rest of the night.

I took in a shopping trip for the better part of my afternoon today. With all the clothing I've accumulated, one would never guess that I'd rather be dragged by an 18 wheeler transport truck down the middle of a gravel road, than shop. I detest shopping (Read: HATE IT). For one, there is way to much stimulation. I cannot stand being in the middle of a crowded place. I hate being bumped, and slow walkers anger me. I can handle it if there are elderly people, you know, we need to make allowances for others; but if you just walk slow because you think it's the cool thing to do, and it will help you prolong your life, and let you take in as much scenery as you can, and will keep your heart rate at an even keel, and just because you are plain stupid...I don't like that. I am a fast walker, I like to get in and out, know exaclty what I am going for and make a beeline to the doors ASAP. Don't get in my way. Folks, I hate malls. Secondly, if the first was not bad enough. Trying on clothing is second to cleaning cat litter. Just a dirty, disgusting job. I can never find the right size. Why? Because my legs are so freakishly long and my waist so freakishly, uhh...well, it doesn't fit the pants right. I have no behind. I need to find pants that don't accentuate the fact that they swim on me. I need to find pants that I fill out, not that fall off. It is a difficult task.
I may just continue this blog is the form of a list. I am starting to annoy myself.
~barfed in the washroom at my church's campground (which I just recently found out, was a nudist campground in the 70's). My question is now: weren't all campgrounds nudist ones in the 70's?
~got asked how I clip my toenails by Lydia. Sometimes I wonder if that girl realizes she has a full brain.
~got drenched in rain, even though I was under an umbrella.
~Took the Myer-Briggs Personality Test thingee. My results:

INFP – "The Idealist"
Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well. INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. INFPs are flexible and laid-back until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching.

Strengths:
• Warmly concerned and caring towards others
• Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
• Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
• Deep capacity for love and caring
Driven to meet other's needs
• Strive for "win-win" situations
• Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
• Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
• Able to express themselves well
• Flexible and diverse
Weaknesses:
• May tend to be shy and reserved
• Don't like to have their "space" invaded
• Extreme dislike of conflict
• Extreme dislike of criticism
• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
• May react very emotionally to stressful situations
• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
• Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
• Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders

...more evidence pointing to my being a freak.

Blind Faith

2005-08-18T15:56:00.000-04:00

I was going to post what I was working on, but I decided that I would save it for later. Today, I have a picture, words, a heart crying out.

I have been trying to imagine what blind faith looks like. I like visuals, so to put a photo to a common phrase seems to let me know what it really is. I can't explain what blind faith is in words, I can't even tell you why I've decided to have this kind of faith, but because I stand to my word, here it is. This picture is what I am going to do. Do you see the light? Do you see the ray of hope in the distance? Do you see how dark it is up until that point? Blind faith: looking straight ahead, having tunnel vision, being blindsighted, seeing an ocean of hope in the distance, going that extra mile for someone you love. That is what I promise, that is what I will do, this is why I will carry on, this is what I am willing to do.

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my lifeI've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me

Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

2005-08-17T16:40:00.000-04:00

Oh lead me
to the place where i can find you
oh lead me
to the place where you'll be

lead me to the cross
where we first met
draw me to my knees
so we can talk
let me feel your breath
let me know you're here with me

End

2005-08-16T00:40:00.000-04:00

The smell of a dying out bon fire is wafting through the deck doors. My nose is filled with the comforting aroma, and I sit here on my overstuffed chair, cat in lap, wondering what to do next. Wondering if I should leave? Wondering if I should stay? Wondering if I should say what I really want to say, or just to leave it alone. Two nights in a row I have watched the sun set, two mornings in a row I have rejected its rise. In all fairness to the obligations I have, I force myself thru another day.

Oh how beautiful it is to hear that voice. That voice which brings so much comfort in the midst of an ongoing storm. A voice so unexpected. Yours. Although it was for a brief moment, it still rings throughout my head. Lets me know you will be home soon. Thank you for giving the unexpected today.

I have decided that when I walk down the aisle to meet my husband, it will be to a instrumental version of Be Thou My Vision. I have not been able to stop playing that song all night. It holds more meaning to me now, than when I first decided to play it. I am not sure why the enlightenment, it just seems comforting in this eleventh hour.

So far I haven't said anything that shares what is really on my heart. I am thinking of death. I am thinking of a young boy who is in heaven or in some hospital room fighting for his life, or fighting to let go. I am thinking of his friends, and lack of them. I am thinking of her, whose blank stare I can't shake from my mind. The her who is losing another boyfriend, who is losing the will to nourish herself, losing the will to make it on her own. I am wondering how long she will hold on for. And now my heart screams. She is just a baby, and I want to take it all away for her. I want to go back in time and hurt the people who have hurt her, those who have taken her innocence and used it as their own pleasure. I want to go back and hurt the family who lied to her, who told her it would be ok but then tore her heart out. I want to go back and tell her that she is beautiful, that every part of her was created by God and is amazing. I want to take the monster away from her. I want to burn Ana, the one ruining her life. I want to hold on for her. I want to give her a best friend again. I want to be whatI am supposed to be for her, because I don't know how much longer she will have the will to live.

For the older sister, who shall remain nameless. I want to fight for her. I want to hold her. I want to assure her that what she is thinking is wrong. That it is ok. I want her to know how much I need her, and that tears are streaming down my face right now. I want her to know that she has saved me. That God gave her to me for a reason, and I am so blessed. I want to take whatever it is for her and just throw it to the wind. I want to walk along the beach with her, make sure she isn't alone. Walk the narrow path alongside her.

I want to be with the one whose life I've bore my soul to. I want to feel those arms wrapped around me again. I want to feel the security and unconditional love. I want not just the voice, but the presence as well. I want to feel his hands holding me up.

I want to be with Jesus. I forget what it feels like to hear his heartbeat.

For Lack of a Better Title

2005-08-14T21:45:00.000-04:00

...and the phone rings.
How do I explain today in a matter of words? It started out with me sleeping in an hour and 45 minutes making myself almost late. I set my first alarm for 6 a.m., thinking how wonderful it would be to think that I conned myself into sleeping in. I set my second alarm for 7 A.m. I know what you are thinking (it takes two alarms??) Folks, yes, yes it does. Second alarm rings, and I hit the button turning it off. I figured I had a bit of extra time just to snooze, and my stomach was totally crammped up. I thought fifteen minutes would do the trick. An hour and forty-five minutes later I stumble out of bed throw some clothes on because I am insanely late and run to the kitchen to grab a bite so my stomach doesn't growl during church. Then it hits me. This crashing wave of nausea. I bolt to the bathroom, barf my brains out, splash cold water on my face and brush my teeth. I felt a bit better. As I was walking out the door it hit again. I go running to the bathroom. BAM! Anyways, that was the bulk of my morning. I make it to church just in time to practice and practically pass out on a chair. Oh, did I mention my pants didn't fit, and I had to change before I left in the morning. Apparently I gained weight over night. Gross. Yay for being over 100 pounds. Holy heck I am probably 200 now!!

Anyways, now I am in fat pants, have been for the bulk of the day. Nice, big, comfortable, pink, Campus Crew sweat pants. I feel like a whale. My skin colour has nothing to it, I am gray. I took to many Advil extra strength liqui-gels. Everytime I close my eyes I see spiders. If I keep one eye open, I don't see anything. I think the meds was a bad idea. I am not sure if I am stoned out of my tree, or just still nauseated.

Carrie, we missed our annual birthday dinner/movie where I buy you an awesome gift and you buy me a thong. I miss you. So I will write you a poem, it's cheesy, but it's our thing.

Carrie is cute, crafty and cunning
Also she is awesome and anxious and alluring
Really, I love her, she is my dear wife
Right now we are busy and have no time to umm...hang out.
I like her because she's cute, and it just so happens that she is older than I
Each day goes by and I think of her and cry

Right now she is probably scrapbooking her memories
And thinking of old times when we would act crazy
Don't even ask what we would do
Funny, it involved many trips to the loo
Oh how I miss her, we've gone our seperate ways
Rainy days go by and I think of her when I shave
Dear Carrie, you are my best-est-est friend. Happy Birthday to you and friends til the end.

...yep I'm stoned.
Anyways, I love you carebear. Call my cell phone, I pick it up more often then the landline. Oh wait, better yet...I'll call you :)

Well, I pretty much have nothing letft to say.

2005-08-10T22:49:00.000-04:00

Can someone tell me when this ride is over?

Things I am trying to do:
-recover from constant bashing from my sister. Who knew two hormonal women in the same household could make me want to move as far away as possible?
-recover from being bashed by a leadership I thought I could trust.
-have a relationship with someone who is not here.
-pack up alifetime of possessions and memories to move them once again.
-patch up a broken heart
-put my cat on a diet
-keep myself from going crazy
-eat candy. I haven't touched any. I did eat smoothie skittles, just a handful, but the rest is being stolen by my sister.
-clean my room
-find my socks
-do laundry

...post a blog

Out on a Limb

2005-08-02T21:11:00.000-04:00

I feel stoned as I sit here and stare at whatever it is I am staring at. Ray Charles is serenading with Amazing Grace in the background, and I am cold. My basement is usually cold. Lethargic is the only word that comes to mind right now. My mother keeps asking me if I am in another place right now. I guess I am distant. What else is new? The song is over taking my emotions and I can't handle it. How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed.

I feel like dancing. Maybe I just feel like holding on to someone holding me up. Maybe I just wish JD could be here. Maybe I feel like letting the salty water caress my feet.

I really have nothing to say.

Blank

2005-08-02T00:11:00.000-04:00

I am of few words tonight. I know I have to post, and you deserve another enlightening Erica craziness, but tonight I just can't I hope you understand.

2005-07-29T16:08:00.000-04:00

My heart is heavy today. I wish it were not so. There is nothing I can say, think or do without this strong sense of sadness wash over me. If you come here looking for a funny thought, a good word, maybe just some assuring, I cannot give it to you today. The only thing I can do is beg for peace. Not for myself. For a family I love so dearly. Pray that they are swept up in the arms of Jesus. Pray that they have strength even when they cannot feel it. My tears roll down in sheets today, for you I have no words. Nothing to comfort, only that I will carry you. You are never alone.
One step at a time.
I chose this Robert Herrick poem to post. I memorized it for an English class a few years ago. It is one of my favourites.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime
You may for ever tarry.
Robert Herrick (1591-1674)

In closing, whatever the need is, whatever you are feeling today, tomorrow, whenever, I will do everything I can to help you through this.
I won't be posting for the rest of the weekend.

Red Rain

2005-07-28T00:19:00.000-04:00

That's Cheryl. She's our new astro kitty. That's my hand trying to hold her long enough to take a picture. She's a handful. For some reason we are attracted to ugly animals.

My day was all right, my feelings however, have not been. It's hard not to think about things. It's hard to feel helpless, I don't know how to handle that feeling. I don't know what to say when there are no words of comfort that will be useful. I don't know how to take it away. I wish I could take it awa, but I can't. I don't understand why it has to happen to you. I'm sorry. My phone is on, my yahoo is on. I am here for as long as you need.

I am not too fond of kids. I am, but I'm not. They, on the other hand, love me. I can't get away from kids. They cling to me. Today I was with my friends, doing stuff and Prestynn and Macie (the two kids) would not leave me alone. They were playing with my hair, asking me for chocolate balls (Timbits from Tim Hortons), playing with my ring, taking of my necklace, tying my hair in knots, and...if you would believe it...LICKING ME! Yeah! I asked Macie why she was licking me and she said "because I wuv you". She was kissing me everywhere and sucking my neck. I was like honey, here have some gum, a sucker, anything. She took the gum. Chewed for a minute and then licked my cheek. All I could do was laugh. I didn't have it in me to tell her to stop. I just laughed. Crazy girls.

The storm has passed. What a catastrophe it was. People's houses were flooded, roads were blocked off because the sewage had backed up. One boy died while riding away from one of the flooded areas. Sadness. Crops were ruined. One day of rain caused so much difficulty for thousands of people. I had just watched The Day After Tomorrow not three days earlier. This is not a movie you want to watch before something like this happens. It is catastrophic. The movie deals with nature and what if everything bad happened in nature. What a strange thing floods are.

I really can't focus on writing a post right now. Maybe I will post later. I guess.

Boring

2005-07-27T02:34:00.000-04:00

I never realized how boring math was until this moment. I hated it to begin with, but now I loathe it, I don't want to teach it, and I want to throw it in the garbage. I am sorry if you like math, someone has to, and I'm sure it "has a purpose", sure. I took one university math course (count that, one). The most exciting part was writing the essay. Oh my heart lept within me. Most brainers were writing their papers on Pythagoras, I attempted a ten pager on Ptolemy and his theories, put it through the paper shredder, and entitled my essay "Why I Dispise Math." I had the greatest, if not, the best math professor alive. He looked like Michael J. Fox, or someone like that. He said all these geeky jokes that I laughed at. I think I was the only one that laughed at them. I wrote funny things on my tests. He liked me, tried to tutor me, gave up hope. On the last day of class, instead of handing in the paper at the front desk, I decided my last hope would be to hand it in myself and charm him with my dashing good looks. He asked me how I liked the class. I have no problem being honest, really. I said Mr. Templeton, I hated it with all my heart. I never want to see you again. I handed him the essay and swayed out of the room. I earned an A+ on the paper, which really boosted my overall mark. Luckily my clever witticisms won him over.

I had some of the greatest professors in university. Dr. Dent, my brilliant French professor. We had a love/hate relationship. She made me cry. She was friends with my mother. That was my first mistake. She picked on me at every chance available. I passed her class with flying colours. My English profs were by far my favourites. The taught me passion. They taught me detail. And above all, they taught me the importance of spell checking.

Putting together the details of a classroom has made me reflect upon what I have enjoyed and what I have disliked as a student. I am learning patience and the importance of not only educational stimulation, but character building as well. I am not educating some children. I am educating future government leaders, future doctors, future visionaries. I need to learn how to be passionate. I need to learn how to be an inspiration. I need to learn how to teach people to make choices that will affect the rest of their lives. I need help. I have been surrounded by wonderful teachers throughout my whole life, most of them within my own family. Yet, I haven't even the slightest idea how to do it for myself. Children have never been a strong point for me. The strange thing is, they flock to me, they are attracted to something I have yet to figure out. I am just hoping for some divine wisdom. I will surely need it.

I said in my last post that life sucks. That still rings true, but I have made some choices to turn it around. I hope they are the right choices, because if not, I could be walking around this mountain again. I think in my idealist mentality I have just been waiting for that Lotto 6/49 moment. That 'just imagine' feeling. I keep thinking I am still a kid, but all these adult choices are bombarding me. Realistically, it is a sink or swim feeling and right now I am struggling just to hold my breath.

In conclusion (I hate that phrase), I will make it through today. My hope is brighter as my eyes are taken away from the bigger picture. One day at a time, seems a lot less intimidating.

Whirlwind

2005-07-26T01:24:00.000-04:00

"Life sucks right now and I can't be uplifting"
I'm still waiting for that moment. I am not sure what that moment is, but I am waiting for it.

JD, I need one of those bedtime stories. I can't seem to close my eyes long enough to relax myself to sleep. I can't seem to catch that breath, the one that lets out the days concerns and transfers me into the subconscious realm. I can't find the right music that will lull me to rest.

My typing is louder than my thoughts. And my thoughts aren't making any sense.
The only thing I can hear is this:

When Tears Fall
I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But theres one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus your true
When hope is lost, I'll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you healer
When silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour, of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, and sustain me
My defender, forever more
When hope is lost, I'll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you healer
When silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

I will praise you, I will praise you
When the tears fall, still I will sing to you
I will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffering still I will sing

When hope is lost, I'll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you healer
When silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus you're true

When hope is lost, I'll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you healer
When silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart
I will praise you, I will praise you
When the tears fall, still I will sing to you
I will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffering still I will sing

I have nothing else to say. A while ago I went through some of my school journals and a common sentence I wrote was "my head is empty." Right now there is nothing I need to say, nothing I want to say without breaking down.

Sub silentio

Sky Azure

2005-07-23T05:28:00.000-04:00

I am watching the beginning of a sun rise. Something I haven't witnessed in a long time. It is so beautiful to think that the sky will be filled with wonderful colours in a matter of minutes, and this big firey ball will light up the sky, manifesting the laws of nature, manifesting God's daily faithfulness. As surely as the sun doth set, will it also rise. On my right there is a large picture window which displays a lightly blue and oranged sky. On my left are the patio doors, vertical blinds slightly opened with the early birds in clear view. Nature always has a way of reaching inside my heart and ministering to the broken places. Little wonders of God's creation have a way of tearing down the little walls I build up to protect myself. The light is pouring in.

My reunion with JD was wonderful as always. We have this unremarkable bond, it is hard to describe. It is difficult to be without someone as wonderful as JD, our reunions are always bittersweet. His presence was so calming amidst my inner storm. It was a nice break away from reality. This weekend, although not filled with enjoyable activities, easy moments, fond memories, will bring a lot of peace; enough to rest my soul for just a moment.

There is a slight rumble, as if a thunderstorm is about to hit. The sky is clear, with no sign of rain anywhere close by. It just happens to be my cat. She is so brilliant in the morning (smoking her cigarette over coffee). She is such a snuggler. I can't get enough of it. And this weather does wonders for her fur, although shedding often, it's so soft.

I wonder if today will hold any answers. If today will be the first day of the rest of my life. If I will feel that invincible 'world-at-my-fingertips' feeling. Or will it just go by, like everyother day, leaving much to be desired. Leaving me feeling empty, yet filled with uncertainty and questions. Just a moment of stillness. Just a moment of complete and utter reverance for He, who will bring me through another day. For grace, and peace, not only for my own self, but for the others who need it so much more. For the feeling of being held, for protection. For being carried, when I myself cannot even stand to carry myself.

Happy early birthday Mere. I know it is not until tomorrow, but in case I don't get a chance to post again, and in case you read this today, you are a wonderful mother. I hope this next year will leave you fulfilled, and be the best one of your life thus far. You deserve great. I have never been more blessed to have you as my mother, and that is a huge understatement. You have fought for me, you have given your all for us, for me. You have done the unspeakable, the remarkable, and the unthinkable, and I pray you are blessed 100 fold greater than what you have given. I love you, I love you. I pray that I may be half the woman you are. Your footsteps are noble, and worthy to be followed, and I pray I fill them as graciously as you have stepped them. Happy Birthday.

That's it for me for today. I think, now that the day has officially begun, I may rest my burning eyes.

Angry Emotions

2005-07-21T16:27:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had a friend that you think was your friend, and it turns out they were just using you? You pour into their lives for years, let them reject you and the rest of their so called "friends" while they have significant others, watch them treat your other friends with disrespect, and moodiness, let them bring you down without you even being aware of it? And yet, you still pour out, and give your all to this person? My hand is way up in the air. How do you end that friendship? How do you just say "I've had it, I can see that we have drifted apart and that is a choice you made, I don't want to be friends with you anymore."? How can I do that without hurting this person's feelings? I am not sure if this person reads my blog, I hope not. I am just fed up with the moodiness, the fairweathered friendship, being used, etc. I'm done. It's over. Enough is enough.

That was a prelude to the rest of my blog, the blog in which I cry, freak out, and maybe say a few things I shouldn't say. I am not in the best of moods right now, and I apologize if I say things that might offend.

I realize that my life situation is not nearly as bad as others. I know that, and I am sensitive to the needs of people I care about, and situations in your life that need prayer and support. When I complain here about my own life, I am not doing it to make myself look hard done by. I realize that people say "God only gives you as much as you can handle" and if that is the case, I can't handle anymore. I can't handle everything in my own life. I have had enough. I want to get off the ride, it is no longer fun. It never really was. I can't explain publically what I am going through, what I have had to endure, what my life has been like for the past 20+ years. I can't tell you what emotions I am feeling because I don't even think they have a name. I can't tell you exactly how I feel because I am numb. I don't know what the feeling is, and I am convincing myself that it is ok. My pride is getting in the way of me actually saying how I really feel. I have gone through things that are going to stick with me for the rest of my life. And you can laugh. You can say "it's your own fault" you can tell me I am a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad friend, a bad whatever, I really don't care. But I am sick and tired of the shit. I am sick and tired of watching people fall apart because of other people's actions. I am sick and tired of not being able to say what I want to say on this blog because I might "offend" someone. Or, you might freak out and threaten me with lawyers, or whatever. I am sick and tired of not being able to say what I really want about this "friend" for fear of embarrassing him/her. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And I hate these lumps. I hate the headaches, I hate the nosebleeds, I hate the dizziness, I hate the pain.

Enough is enough. I need some deliverance. I need God. And I have been running. It is amazing what humans do in times of need and pain. They run from the only thing that can save them. The run from this well spring of life that will heal, deliever, restore. I admit, I run pretty fast. Like Jonah, we know what is good for us yet we run because we are scared. I am so ashamed of my cowardness. I know what is good for me and yet it is almost the first thing I reject. God was so angered when he walked into the temple on the sabbath and saw all the merchants doing whatever they were doing. It angered God to see the unholiness. I admit, I have not been holy. My actions have not reflected that of Christ's. I have not honoured him in how I behave, how I react. And now I find myself begging for forgivess, trying to find solace in the fact that He still loves me.

I've had enough God. Deliver me.

Cheryl the Astro Kitty

2005-07-20T21:54:00.000-04:00

***DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN PURCHASE A ONE WAY TICKET TO TIBET?***

I wish I had pictures of my kitten online. She is the ugliest thing alive. She looks like a Reese Peanut Butter cup all smashed into tiny bits. She's hilarious, and bugs the crap out of Tilly, my big boned, elder feline. Anyways, she's funny. My brother taped her doing a back flip, I shoudl try and post the video it is hilarious.

This post is going to be in spurts and pieces. My thought flowage is just so spontaneously random lately. It's hard to just hold onto one thought and run with it.

My hands smell like Sponge Bob popsicle, which smells like fruit punch and vanilla. I still can't eat a popsicle without it melting down my hands. Speaking of smells, I bough Gain laundry detergent today. That is one of the nicest smells ever. Oh and Oust has this melon splash smell, it is just amazing. That stuff...I am so addicted to it.

I went shopping today. My mom and I drove to the Cambridge mall, it is just a really cool mall. It has an ice rink and gym in it. I bought nail polish, shampoo, and I went to a jewelry store. They have really nice men's wedding bands. I picked one out. Wow, it made me nervous. They make these really neat titanium rings now. The lady make me hold it and it was almost weightless, almost like plastic. It was a very cool ring. I wanted to go for that one, but it is a relatively new metal for rings, and it is difficult to resize without ruining.

I have nothing to say. It is very sad. There is a lull and I become uncomfortably awkward with myself.

OH! I was cleaning out my car in my driveway today and some woman walked by with her dog (it was an ugly dog) and she started freaking out on me. I am not too sure what she was saying because of her thick European accent, but she was pretty mad. It was the weirdest thing. It was so uncharacteristic for our area, most people just don't say a word to each other, and if one is mad at the other, they will just gossip to another neighbour. This lady was obviously new to the neighbourhood. I just smiled and nodded. I am not really one to fight back (anymore) so I think my silence frustrated her. It was pretty funny actually. She wasn't wearing a bra either, which made the conversation all the more uncomfortable. I guess Europeans are that way? Everything was just hanging everywhere (how's that for a visual?). The end of the conversation was odd...

Me: smiling and nodding
*Freaky Helga: Oikay, I see I get nos where wis ewe so I will gos to my haas
Me: heh, are you sure? You seem very angy, if I knew what you were saying maybe I could help
Freaky Helga: sat ees not nis. I am hangry, ewe useless. You knows nathing.

Whatever?!?!?
* name was changed to protect the insane.

Anyways, people are weird. People who think they can just shoot their mouths off are weird. I find it slightly amusing and entertaining, as I stand there silently watching them get even more frustrated. I don't like to fight back. It's more fun from my perspective.

Well, like I said. I have nothing to say. So, I close.
P.S.~ I changed the look again. If you didn't get to see the first change, consider yourself lucky. It was not a nice look. This one is much better.

Stop the Insanity

2005-07-19T11:53:00.000-04:00

As you will notice, I've changed my look. If you didn't notice, I suggest medical attention. My old blog was way to perky, and way to bubble-gummy. If you have qualms about the new look, feel free to let me know, and I will waste hours and hours re arranging my template, and for you, I will change it back. It really is pretty dark, I am not too sure I like it myself.

So, I am sure you are surprised that I have been blogging a lot. Me too. It's been swell. I used to be a very religious, faithful blogger. Times have changed. I've really run out of interesting things to talk about, and I don't really have any blonde moments that I care to share anymore. The blogging things is becoming old, yet, I want to continue for reasons even I don't know. Hey, if you have any topic suggestions let me know. I will try and make this interesting for you.

I would also like to say a huge CONGRATULATIONS to JD. He got his promotion and is now a Master Bombadier. What does this mean? I'm not sure, but it comes with a pay raise, and a happy husband, so...it makes me happy! Please pray for him, when you think of it. He is stuck in the sweltering heat, no shade, no breeze, no me. I still think you should really get a stuffed teddy bear or something. It might make you feel better. I miss you, love.

I won a 6ft sub from Subway. This wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have a little brother that worked there, that could get me subs for half price, even free at times. So, now I am stuck with this sucker. Any takers? I can have it delivered. Oh, and you can get whatever you want on it. I was thinking every three inches I would make a whole new sub. My brother has to make it, so we can do this as painful as possible. No worries.

I miss my music. JD took the computer with all my music on it. Luckily, I have three other computers to use, but none have my tunes. Angers me slightly. Oh Oh, awesome idea...burn me the music onto cds, ok. Actually, you probably don't have time, no worries. I can wait until September. *le sigh*

Anyways, I am rambling, and not posting anything that I really want to say.

Summer time, and the Living is Easy...

2005-07-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

The birthday celebrations have finally come to a close, which I am ever so thankful for. I don't think I can handle another "how does it feel to be..." Really, I don't feel a year older, nor do I look a year older, so you might as well just stop asking. Thanks. That was a little mean, I know. I haven't really aged since probably around the age of sixteen or seventeen. I have always been an old fogie (old spirited, I guess). And really, I don't look any different from the day I was born. I just gained a little weight. Would you believe I was 9 pounds at one point? Yeah, ha! I know.
JD left earlier this afternoon. I always get weird before he leaves. It's like this little thunderstorm rains all over my little heart and lightening crashes and I get all scared, and there is no one to hang on to. It's weird, and I can never explain it to anyone, and he doesn't get it. *sigh* and for some weird reason, I get wrangy. I just kind of freak out. I am not sure when he will be home next. That sucks. I would like to now go on to complain about his job, but that won't get me anywhere, and won't bring him home, so I will spare you. For now, I will keep it internal.
We didn't paint I decided that it just wasn't worth it, and I didn't feel like getting a paint high. So, the room stays baby pink. I might paint the spare bedroom in our house Wild Fire pink, it depends though. It might just have to be blue.
I bought 'Healthy Pregnancy' magazine this weekend. Boy, does it ever cover a lot of ground. I like it, it even has step by step pictures for certain things. Such a cute magazine though.
We renamed the Kitten. It was Iris, now her name is Cheryl. I named it. We were going to call her Marilyn, but decided Cheryl would be better. She's a cute little muffin.
I'm not sure I have much more to say? I am running out of things quickly, so I will end for the night.

Blahness

2005-07-17T13:04:00.000-04:00

I've been busy. No time to post. JD came home for the weekend to celebrate my birthday. It has been nice.
I really have nothing to say at the moment.

Always and Forever

2005-07-14T08:37:00.000-04:00

Lots of things on my mind today. First, it's my birthday. Whooppee, yay! Actually, bleh, I could care less. My mom got me this really cute, pink, Barbie card. I love it!!!
On Saturday I am painting my room. There is this awesome round bed at IKEA that I want to purchase to go with the room. My only problem is JD. The colour is not something he is fond of. But, I need to get this out of my system before I grow up and have a house of my own, and he understands this (thanks muffin). I am painting it hot pink. Actually, the colour is Wild Fire to be exact. I am buying a lime green bed spread, and paintin orange circles on my wall. The circles will be filled with pictures and photographs. I will take pictures of the final product. As you can tell, I like pink.
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. JD is gone, and my life has no humour.
Anyways, I never ask for prayer for myself, but today I am. I found something unusual that is of concern to my health. I need to find out if it just needs to be drained, or uh...if I need to take any further action. I am nervous. So, uh...if you care to pray, please.
Anyways, that's it for me.

Slipped Away

2005-07-07T16:39:00.000-04:00

I am not sure how it is possible for one to be sore after playing golf, but I sure am. I am sore, and covered in mosquito bites. I even have a mosquito bite on my lip, go figure. I have a habit of scratching the bites until they bleed, so really, it looks like I have a bunch of cuts all over my legs and feet. Kind of chicken poxesque.
JD leaves in three days. I am sad. For some reason I have been acting strange. My temper is short and I have been unusually emotional. I feel like someone is taking away one of my limbs or a vital organ or something. It is a strange feeling. I honestly do appreciate the army, I just wish they wouldn't steal my husband away from me.
On a happier note, my birthday is in one week!!! I told my mother I didn't want to celebrate this year with family (or anyone for that matter). She freaked out on me. Apparently I will break my grandmother's heart if I don't go all out and invite everyone over for a "party". So, this year I am reserving myself one party, one old people party. No friends, no cake, no ice cream. However, presents are always welcome. Maybe some flowers or something. Anyways, one year older. Whoop-dee-do.
JD bought me a really awesome present this year. It is one of those out door fire places. So far I've devoured a bag of marshmallows, and roasted some shrimp. It's great. We live in the city, so it is the next best thing to a fire pit. I love it. Reminds me of our fake camping trips. The ones where we camp three minutes from a running washroom (hence the "fake" camping). It's good.
Well, I need to rest my arms, they still really hurt.
*sigh*
I realize my posts are sometimes rather depressing. Welcome to me, not depressed, just dark. Anyways, I thought I would post a few favourites. I tend to list favourite things after a bout of blog depression. So, here goes some favourite summer things, and some favourite ramdon things.

1. Banana popsicles. Hand me one and I will be your best friend until I'm finished it.
2. watermelon with seeds. No matter how hard I try to stay clean, it ends up running down my face. I love it though, such a childhood fuzzy feeling memory.
3. Veggie Tales, they make me smile ALL the time.
4. sandal tan lines, basically the only tan line I can get.
5. Loud music with my windows rolled down, and long country roads. I especially like Avril Lavigne on long, country road drives. Her and Greenday.
6. headphones
7. shelf space (gives me a reason to buy new books)
8. my fire pit
9. garlic roasted shrimp.
10. summer rain
11. reese peanut butter cups
12. Jeep TJ's with the doors off, playing loud 70's rock 'n roll
13. Canada Day. I have a new appreciation for this holiday.
14. silky, smooth legs. St. Ives Whipped Silk works miracles.
15. capri pants. Screw the Bermuda's give me capri's and Dr. Marten's
16. my hemp anklet that jingles when I walk
17. Iced Cappuccinos
18. 2005 Chrysler 300s
19. Crest Whitenng Expressions Extreme Herbal Mint toothpaste
20. the smell of JD's shower gel. Some adidas stuff.
21. birthday cards
22. flip flops, and ball caps. I don't wear either, but with I was the type that did.
23. the fresh, new pencil smell (reminded me of 'pen is envy' from an Atwood book).
24. reading with a blanket and bowl of popcorn on my deck
25. flowers, lots of them everywhere, hanging, potted, planted in a garden, in a vase, ooo I love it.
26. layering tank tops
27. taking photos.
28.
These trees in Portugal

29. note books for random jotting
30.
Carrie

31.
Making milkshakes at work

I Can't Help Falling in Love With You

2005-07-05T10:51:00.000-04:00

I have a post but I don't want to post it. I have things to say, but I'd rather keep them inside. I had a good day yesterday, despite things, but their lingering presence is still here and I can't shake it. My heart loves, and it is being torn out. My body is scared, not only to let go for a little while, but also for other reasons, which I am not capable of sharing right now. Writing, for the moment, won't help what I am feeling, so I close.

Busy Busy Busy

2005-07-02T10:21:00.000-04:00

I have been extremely busy over the past week. Wow. Am I ever glad it's over. I have some pictures to share as soon as I upload them from the cd. You can have a little look at what I was doing.
Anyways, I will update soon.
___________________________________________________________________
Alright, I uploaded a few pictures. These were taken in a classroom, at a really old, but nice school. Anyways, for those who are reading this that were there...three cheers for being finished. Congrats!!

Kindergarten training with Shelley (all the ladies wore pink accidentally. I am not in this picture, but I was wearing pink as well. It was rather funny!).

Alyson, from Wasaga Beach.

Daysi

Me, writing a test, which I aced with 100% because I rock!

Jamie

Mr. Wurtz, our professor.

Vicki, marking some books

Me, marking some books. Don't I look like a teacher!!

Philanderings

2005-06-25T22:48:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the title. For some reason that word popped into my head when I considered a title. I like risque-ness.
My cat just beat the crap out of my new kitten and then she looked at me with her precious moments eyes saying "mommy, did I do good?" How in the world do you punish a cat when she is so cute. Moral of the story: I should never have kids.
Anyways, my heart is heavy as I sit here and type a post. I had what I wanted to say all written down and I was all prepared to type it. However, my feelings tonight aren't leaning towards that. I wish JD was here so that I could just lay with him and cry. I just want to cry. That's it, that's all.
There is much to be said about laying one's head on someone's chest. I think it was John, one of Jesus' disciples who lay his head against Christ's breast. He heard the heart beat, he felt those strong arms around him, holding him tight. He felt the love Jesus had for not only him, but everyone else. Babies are often seen resting on the chest of their mother, in peaceful slumber. This is comforting, and healing. My head tonight wants to lay on JD's chest. I know that sounds weird, but I need something tangible to hold onto right now.
Sweet Jesus carry me.

Blindfold
Take this blindfold off of me
I'm walking but I cannot see
Mysteries fly at my feet
The answers come with no relief
Broken shoes won't get you far
Climb on my back I'll carry you afar
Words just feel anatheistized
But hope is found within the lies
And I keep walking down that road
And I keep running down that road
Take this blindfold off of me
I'm crawling, grabbing, breathing for the way I can see
Hold me, take me, run with me, I know you'll ignite
A battered flame that once was bright
And I keep walking down that road
And I keep running down that road
Glory, gloryGlory, in the highest

If You're Going to San Francisco

2005-06-22T12:26:00.000-04:00

I forgot to set my alarm clock this morning. Yeah, not cool at all.
Anyways, I get this phone call from Vicki, one of the teachers that I will be working with in September, and also personal friend of the family. She is telling me that I have to be in Beamsville by 8 a.m. That means if I want to be ready and meet her at the cafe so we can carpool, I will have to be up by 5. Plus, if that isn't bad enough, I have to wear a skirt or dress all week. That is funny for so many reasons. I own one skirt, that rarely ever gets worn. I don't mind skirts or anything, I just have bony knees, and white chicken legs (read: highly embarrassing!). This is not joyous, this is not great, this is not cool at all. I will survive, yes. I will get over it, yes. But for the time being I am alittle uh...je ne sais quoi? Karlie, can I borrow your unreasonably short uniform kilt?
I was looking at my summer schedule. So far, it looks really busy. I don't know why I sign myself up for things. Oh wait, it wasn't me that did that. It was STEPHIE!!! Actually, my August looks pretty free. I might consider running away, and by then it will be scorchingly hot, so Tibet could be in question here.
My birthday is coming up. But instead of celebrating, like I had planned (which is my next post) I will be teaching a bunch of unruly, stinky kids how to sing and a bunch of other things at VBS. I'm not complaining. Really, I am not. There is humour in this all. I am not one for complaining. It just seems that way. Heh.
Well, I have to end this for the day.

Addendum
Friday's Feast:
(its a shame I am not writing this as an Itallian. If I was, there would be like a zillion appitizers, and quite a bunch of main courses. This is just me making fun of my Bella Itallian Stephanie :) ).
anyways...

Appetizer
What's one word or phrase that you use a lot?
"Oh yeah?" and "hmm, interesting"

Soup
What is something you always seem to put off until the last minute?
Purchasing birthday cards, filing income taxes, dishes

Salad
What was the last great bumper sticker you saw?
"I am not a slut" and "dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians"

Main Course
If you could be invisible for one day, how would you spend your time?
giving people wedgies

Dessert
Describe your hair.
In a pony tail. I need to redo my highlights. My hair is so in need of a cut. I am past my 6 weeks, but I am trying to grow it out a bit. I almost cut myself bangs, boy am I glad I didn't.

Nightmare

2005-06-20T02:50:00.000-04:00

She laughs, I can actually feel myself stir in my sleep. The girl is not me. JD walks up to her and touches her back. She smiles and continues laughing. Her combat boots are undone, it seems like she was in uniform, and the boots are the last to take off. Now she is in denim shorts. I wake up. This happens a few times. I fall alseep and {WHA BAM!} there is this girl with JD. I've never seen her before. The dream bothers me. As soon as I fall deeper into my sleep the dream worsens and I force myself to wake up. I think I might just give up on sleep for the night.
Now I am sitting on my couch eating soda crackers. I forgot to put the box away from earlier this afternoon. I wasn't feeling well. It seems that there is some stomach bug going around. Many of my friends have gotten sick. Now it's my turn. I munched on soda cracker and soup, and watched Happy Gilmore on t.v.
My fridge is filled with luscious looking fruits and vegetables. I am bored, and don't want to go back to sleep.
JD is leaving soon. As much as I have convinced myself that it will be nice for him to go away, and nice for me to start planning for September, the whole idea sucks. Just a few more weeks and he will be teaching at an army base 7 hours away. I am glad it is only that far away and not Gagetown. He promises me that he will come visit on a few weekends. Bleh. I'm still sad.
Wow, my house is so quiet at this hour! Even the cats are motionless (unbelievable!). Sometimes it is easy to forget what silence sounds like.
It's amazing how much sense one doesn't make at 3:30 a.m.!
I really need to end this. I need to try to fall asleep. This is insane.

This is What it Means. . .

2005-06-18T11:18:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had those moments where a song, a picture, a movie, a joke, all remind you of past moments? Sweet memories? You cry, but remember that those involved in the memory would probably want you to laugh. You smile knowing that they are wrapped up in the arms of Jesus; but the pain can be unbearable. You want Jesus to wrap you up in those same, safe arms. This is what it means to be held.
I never know the right things to say. I never know how to word how I feel, I can't write it out. I wish I could.
There are so many situations in life that force us to question God. I do it almost daily. Why did this ripping happen? Why has a covenant been broken? Why does divorce hurt even the most accepting of it? Why did you take away such a beautiful soul, so that you could dance with her for eternity? Why do innocent families suffer? Why do you have to take people away, even if it is temporarily? Why do we let ourselves love people so much we can't let them go? Why does my husband have to be in the army? Why do I feel so insecure about that? Why have you let me lose precious moments, precious people, precious beings? These questions are ever on my mind, always voiced in my heart, and most times go unanswered.
I can't stop listening to a certain song. Rivers of tears begin to flow.

2005-06-17T01:56:00.000-04:00

And Ode to Irrational Cuteness
There is this sense that I can't explain
It's all wrapped up into one single being.
Each tiny detail so precious, so woven together to create a flower.
The description so majestic, words cannot describe.
In one moment we are standing here alone, and in the next
Hearts overflowing with a sense of comfort, and renewed hope.
So pure and simple in a childlike way
She pours out her heart and for nothing in return.
Such a beautiful life, so torn and tired
Tiny classicality so neatly arranged
Eyes bright with new stories and tales of a life so fully lived.
A life, like a candle, melting away leaving an angelic aroma
Such exquisiteness for a quiet heart to hold dear
Love unfailing, overtaking my heart
Unrepayable acts of altruism
In your shadow I feel helpless, yet we dwell in that of the Almighty.
A simple offering I cannot accord, as it is slowly rejected
An offering given in it's place
Consumed moments, sleepless nights
Enervated optimism, yet endless affection.
Che puo faccio? with no reply
Standing strong in her own weakness, a pillar, a strong tower.
Let me touch you once more, if not here, then with the angels
Let me show you what you have done, what you have created
.Rest well beautiful flower, heaven holds a tender place for those deserved as you.
.:gG:.

2005-06-15T17:15:00.000-04:00

"Voice of Truth"
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in on to the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zoneInto the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "
Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
Chorus: But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to meI will choose to listen and believe the
Voice of Truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takesto stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stoneSurrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
Chorus: But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to meI will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them lookin' down I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
Chorus: But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe-I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you, you are-
~Casting Crowns
This band is quickly becoming one of my favourites. I heard this song for the first time today and it just rang in my heart. It is such an anthem, something to take hold of and proclaim. If you can get a copy of this song, please do.
__________________________________________________________
My cat is so retarded. She hasn't moved an inch in 5 hours. I have not been home, but I know that she hasn't moved. I have no awesome telepathic powers, I just know she is extremely fat, and would rather not move. Ever. It's a good thing she recognizes the word food, and the kibbily goodness sound of tuna bites pouring into her dish, or else she might starve. All because she is fat and lazy. My cat inspires me. She inspires me to never get lazy, and never get excited at the sight of food (not too excited anyways!).
The deaf people came into the shop today. I can tolerate handicapps, I have no problem dealing with different sorts of people, but this woman is evil. I swear she is the devil in human form, trying to ruin my day. She is obnoxious, and very rude. I try (excuse me) have tried to be very patient with her, trying to comprehend what she is saying, I even used my limited knowledge of sign language with her, but she has crossed a line. She made some disgusting racial comments not to long ago, I mean horrible comments. Saying these specific people should go to hell, they are dumb, they know nothing, white people are the only good people. I freaked. I kicked her out of the store. I don't know if she had the slightest idea of what I was saying, and come to think of it, I should have flipped her the bird. The universal sign for f*** off. But I didn't. At least she left. And this week, she hasn't said anything offensive. She just yelled at me and stomped her feet. I think I can deal with that.
Anyways, JD is home and I have to get ready for a graduation. I will finish the post later.

Speechless

2005-06-12T11:42:00.000-04:00

I have had a fantastic weekend. I spent way to much time in my car, and for that I have a one arm burn. But JD and I took the nephew to see Madagascar. It was hilarious. Seth, our nephew, loved it. He's such a good kid, for us anyways.
Life is good right now. I can't wait to start teaching, I can't wait to go to the confrence in two weeks, where Vicki and I will be learning about the materials we will be using. I really can't wait. I know that I won't be doing this forever, but for now, it is such a cool oppertunity. I am really excited.
I woke up this morning in such a great mood. I seems like just the perfect Sunday morning. The sun is beautiful , my a/c is on full blast, can't feel the humidity outside, it's beautiful. Why do I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach all of the sudden? It's weird. I'm speechless.

Life Aquatic

2005-06-09T18:31:00.000-04:00

One of the many movies I've viewed during my food poisoning, laying in bed, eating mango popsicles episode. That along with Phantom of the Opera, Closer, and Kinsey. Each, I dare say, are quite fantastic. In my absence I've gathered my thoughts, and spent much time laying on my bathroom floor (it was much easier than running to every few minutes).
Sarah's wedding was beautiful. However, I do have to comment on one thing. Why did you walk down the aisle to 'Air on a G String?' and then 'Jesu, Joy?' Both lovely, lovely songs, yet the first??? Did it not occur to you that your friends would be laughing at it for the remainder of the evening, and. . .even now? I sat at the greatest table, besides some girl that wouldn't stop chattering to herself, I sat with friends from Redeemer. We had a blast. Aaron's girlfriend, I think, felt uncomfortable. She was surrounded by crazy people. We were by far the funniest table. Look, that snapping turtle ate a golf ball. Heh, good times.
Regarding my food poisoning: I am feeling better today. Although the gurgliness is still there.
My quad accident bruises are starting to not hurt so badly anymore either. Yippee.
Anyways, that's my update, short I know. Thousand pardons. Tonight is JD's long night away, which also means it's my get lots of work done night.
P.S~On top of everything else, I failed to mention that I killed my sister's cat. I was vacuuming and moved the cage to our deck for seven minutes. When I went to get Karl, he was dead. I cried hysterically. I am still upset about it. I didn't know what to do. Anyways, it was traumatic. I like animals. I don't like killing them.

It's Been a While

2005-06-08T19:41:00.000-04:00

I've been away, I have an awesome excuse though. Actually two. One, I have violent food poisoning. I am not even going to begin to explain the treatment, it will make you sick. Hopefully tomorrow I will be up and running. Maybe not running, but functioning better. And second, I flipped a quad. JD and I were off roading and it hit some gravel. I went flying, and as I was flying I had this weird feeling that the quad would fall on me so I pushed myself to fall further. It was not a good experience. Today I hurt.
Anyways, that's my absence excuse.

Flipping Time

2005-06-02T22:40:00.000-04:00

I have a lot of things to accomplish yet today, and for some reason, I don't even feel like it. I hate it when I just get into a procrastination mode (deliver me, Lord). I get the excuse that I'm tired, or there will be more time in the morning. Lies, it's all lies. I keep telling myself that there is more time, all the time, and yet there never is. Now is the right time. Have you ever been to a Billy Graham crusade, or even seen one on t.v.? They always give these tremendous alter calls "now is YOUR time!" . . .they should have a chore, or laundry motivationalist. "Now is YOUR time, get your laundry sorted, make it right". Not to be blasphemous or anything, but seriously, motivate me. Personally, I think procrastination is a sin. It leads to laziness. I have to get out of this rut. Ok, wait here a moment, I am going to start it right now. Ha, it only took me five minutes to sort and start. I am embarrassed.
I should also clean off my desk here. It is seriously a disaster. Just to name a few things: A list of dogs from the S.P.C.A that I have had my eye on, bullet shells (obviously JD's), raspberry punch wetshine nail polish, matches, a lighter, golf tees, a dish full of change, army paint, precision optical glasses cleaner, a camera, a measuring tape, tacks, my keys, a hammer, a bible, misc. cd's, a water bottle, rubbing alcohol, two plates, a watch band, and chap stick. That is just to name a few things. We really need to find a place to put these things:

Just an example of the mess.
I just noticed a chip in my plate. I've never noticed it until now, looking at the picture. It really stands out.
I still have to talk about this teacher thing, but really I can't yet. I still have to let it settle. My head is still floating with all the information.
Time to switch over the laundry.

I like Muffins

2005-06-02T11:53:00.000-04:00

Exciting news....wait for it, wait for it....I'M A TEACHER!!! I will post more later. Right now, I am too excited. Oh and Carrie, does this mean you will have to show me where all the preppy school teacher clothing stores are? Heh, that's an inside joke ;)
It hasn't had a chance to sink in yet. Maybe later.

Moments Like These

2005-05-30T12:37:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had an embarrassing moment and you want to hide away from the world for a bit? I have. . .and it isn't even the afternoon yet.

One More Year

2005-05-29T12:03:00.000-04:00

Today is my grandfather's 71st birthday. I will be going to the party later on, hanging out with all my cousins (all4 of them), eating tasty sandwiches, eating gummi bears. It's the same every year. I was saying to my mom that I don't even feel as though my grandparents have aged in the 23 years that I have known them. To me they are ageless. They both celebrate their birthday's this month, they are both old.
When I was little I used to sit in church and just stare at the old people. I am fascinated with older people for some odd reason. I would just stare at their blue rinsed hair, watch them walk in their fur coats, notice their wrinkles. I think I spent more time counting the wrinkles than paying attention to my minister. As I think about my granddad and grandma today, noting their age, they have not changed. I don't view them as a child counting the wrinkles. They are pillars. Both strong towers in their respective churches, both an example of Jesus' enduring love, but so full of knowledge, so wise, so beautiful.
My granddad wrote a book, more like an essay of the time he spent during WWII in Holland. He wrote about hiding potatoes in his pants, running through Den Hague trying to bypass the German soldiers. He talked about leaving Holland for a new life, for freedom. Coming to Canada was one of three choice countries, they made a home in Halifax. He married my grandma, had three girls, divorced and remarried. Both my grandparents remarried wonderful people. My granddad's thick accent has faded with time, his hair has grown white, his tall Dutch frame is starting to shrink, his wrinkles hang off his creamy white face, but he is still the same granddad to me. Still the same granddad that calls me "kid", that pulls me in and squeezes me tight, that still makes me stand in awe of his vast knowledge of the Bible and humble reverence for God.
I love my grandparents. They scare me though. My grandma says she is ready to meet Jesus, her time on earth is almost done. I wonder if she realizes that I still need her. That her great grandchild will need her even more. My granddad is always sick, makes comments about how he's outlived his parents, always in pain. Does he know that I still need him? I hope so. I wish I could share my grandparents, they are just two of the greatest people. Happy Birthday Bumpy!

UPDATE

2005-05-28T16:14:00.000-04:00

Drove to effing Cambridge twice to find the ultimate wedding outfit. I have to look better than the bride here folks :) Anyways, Sarah's wedding is next week. Are we excited? I am sure she is. Ok, I know what I want to wear, it is just finding it. White pants with brown top. Sounds ugly, but it's really it hot.
I changed a few things around on here. One, the picture on the side...yes, finally one of me smiling. Two, the title and subtite: Sanctuary, a place where I can go to find peace, and maybe a place for you to find peace? And Where Angels Fear to Tread....EM Forester guys....gotta love it. I am such an englishy person. I mean from Wolfe to Forester...what next....?
My mood is elated right now, I think it is because I am super nevous, alittle happy, and wearing a super cute outfit. I need to pee...the excitement is getting to me.
That's it for now, just thought I would explain the changes. And boo on photobucket for not letting me publish my pictures properly...boo!
____________________________________________________
Addendum:
Oh my God Oh my God...I was excited before about a nice outfit I was wearing, but this, guys this is beyond excitement. I asked for prayer for a friend a while back. Some stuff happened, which I am unable to share, but guys...God, in His infinite mercy and grace performed a miracle. Odds were beat that are beyond comprehension. I am so elated. Oh man I am so excited to even type, bear with me. God is amazing. Everyday I am astounded by how he works things out for His good, so He gets the glory. Even pretty bleak looking situations. Even situations where you need to be the 1 % that pulls through. I cry today, not tears of saddness, not because God didn't pull through, but because He showed compassion to people who couldn't take it anymore, to a beautiful person who has poured out so much knowledge and love, who endured so much. I need to hug you. You know who you are, need I say more. I am in awe.

She Blogs She Blogs

2005-05-26T21:50:00.000-04:00

I have nothing outrageously interesting to post on today. Frankly this blogging thing is getting to me. I am becoming bored with it. My needs are not being met, I am not satisfied in this one sided relationship. I want a divorce. Can you tell I have been reading a book on how to keep one's marriage affair proof?! It is a great book. I am not really into self help books, but this one is like the marriage Bible. It's called "His Needs Her Needs", and it basically spells out what men and women want in a marriage relationship. It is actually a pretty good book, a lot of it is common sense. But really, marriage is not like dating folks! When you live with someone twentyfourseven you see what they look like in the morning, and not just when you go out for your fancy dinner, grab a movie, mush mush....done. At least I got stuck with a half decent guy. I mean, his guy manifestations aren't that trecherous. I can handle it.
Oh oh, I got this awesome new hemp necklace. This hippy chick made it for me....I am going to take a picture.

The picture isn't all that clear, oh well. It is a really nice necklace.
I am going to watch a movie before I fall asleep. JD comes home late tonight, and I have spent my time cleaning and doing laundry. I have a pile of dvds sitting infront of me, I just don't know which one to choose? M*A*S*H season one, Forrest Gump, Save the Last Dance, the Terminal, Simpsons seasons 1&2, Big Fish, The Bridges of Madison County, The Incredibles.....the list goes on....what's that? I should watch Bridges of Madison County? Good choice...
I will post more camping pictures when I feel like scanning them.
Oh here's one more picture...and example of what I do with my spare time at work:

super, yeah.

Camping Pics and Stuff

2005-05-25T10:22:00.000-04:00

Crystal camping

JD trying to make a pot of coffee (some hippies gave us this really good Fidel Castro blend from Montreal, amazing)

La Lac. This is the little lake where we were staying.

We took some other pictures on my camera, so they will turn out better than these 1 megs.

~I have a cold. It has moved from my lungs to my head, and back down to my lungs, and now in my head as well. I can't win. I took some Nyquill for it the other night. Apparently it is supposed to put you to sleep. It did nothing for me. But, I did down some Dayquill the next morning, which is non-drowsy. . .the stuff made me stoned.
~camping with hippies is an interesting experience. I was all concerned so I shaved up before I went. Turns out they actually endorse leg and armpit hair. How weird! Seriously, as dirty as they are, they are the nicest people I have ever met. Most times they were wasted and probably didn't even know where they were, but nice, oh so nice.
~I am ashamed for admitting this, as I am the ultimate city girl, but I peed outside. I know, that is a little gross, but let me explain. The girls washrooms at the campground were broken, so I went one night in the boys washroom, which was just a huge mistake. It was guy washroom versus outside. The latter won. It took me a good hour to convince myself that no snakes would come up and bite me, and that I wouldn't end up with some terrible disease. And I did it very secretly too. Am I proud of myself? no. . .far from it. I think I may have moved up a few notches in JD's mind. I was roughin' it guys.
~Because JD is leaving me for the summer, he decided that he would buy me a nice present to compensate for his (unbearable) loss. I guessed what it was right away only because whenever someone says they have something for me, I always say, "a pug?" I convinced him that pugs are dogs too, and they actually are cute. Anyways, long story short. . . we aren't getting one. I love animals, they love me back, I would feel guilty if I didn't do something heroic for all animal kind by adopting a dog from an animal shelter. That is what we are going to do. So far I have my eye on a deaf, chocolate lab...which I will probably name (pound on fist three times). Seriously, the dog will never be able to hear his name, right, so why not name it something it will understand. heh.
~I am beginning to feel better since my last few posts. They were a bit personal. Things are better.
Anyways, I will call it a day.

A Post

2005-05-22T16:26:00.000-04:00

I am in the midst of camping. I smell like a tonne of probably lethal things and I am home as I have an engagement tonight. I forgot to post all week. I am bad. Updates are coming. So much has been going on.
Right now I need to shave my legs...of the joys of camping.

La Nouvelle Bouteille

2005-05-15T10:11:00.000-04:00

I don't know what to post today. I really have nothing to say. I just feel like adding a post so that this blog doesn't end up in the "that was a fad" pile. When I started blogging, a lot of other Redeemer students did as well. It was quite the phenomenon. There were several people who just forgot about their blogs and quit. I didn't want to do that. Anyways, so here I am today, nothing to say, and very cold.

Today I feel empty. I am not sure how else to describe the feeling. I am somewhat content. Just empty. The feeling will go away soon. I am sure of it. Despite the feeling, I still have tonnes of work to do, and life goes on. Obladi Oblada...la la la la life goes on.

I went shopping yesterday. I have been searching for the perfect dressy summer outfits. Seems that most pants for summer are see through? Why is that? I tried on a pair of nice white pants and pink ones and I mean, sure I was wearing nice underwear, but I don't want the whole world knowing that. I got really depressed. Everything was too big up top (I have no upper anything) and everything was too small down below. I am in between sizes thanks to that which we never speak of. So, I ended up with: Root Boost Mousse, little claw hair thingys, Skintimate Shaving gel, black slip on shoes for the coffee shop, and a salad from William's. It sucks. I really need some summer threads. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I will venture out again, and I will actually come to grips with my new size. I keep making myself think that I am fat, but my mother says...you aren't a kid anymore, so your body isn't going to be kiddish. And now folks, now I really am dreading turning a year older, why. . .because this sick cycle of growing into one's womanliness could be the death of my washboard stomach, petite waist, toned calves. Oh the tragedy.
. . .and I didn't even want to post today.

She

2005-05-11T08:57:00.000-04:00

A life not lived
Not seen, nor heard.
Felt by one, loved by one.
Not a single protest, not a cry.
Surrounded by noise, an ocean, a heart.
A protection that couldn't hold you in.
Disappeared, leaving an enormous emptiness.
Run little girl, feel the breeze in your hair,
Sit by the river of life
Drink from the springs that now hold you dear.
Remember what you heard
Remember what you felt
Remember the love.
___________________________________________________
I haven't posted for a while. Things get hectic, and blogging was put on the back burner for a moment. Right now my time is mainly devoted to JD. I keep getting depressed that he is leaving soon, so I try and schedule my time around him. I have to say, I am quite a baby when it comes to this situation. Even though I know he is coming back, and won't be gone for too long, I still get really upset. It is really retarded.
I have been sleeping a lot lately, so today I am trying to get my body back into the swing of things, get my routine established again. It's hard. I'd rather be sleeping again. I did fall asleep outside on the deck yesterday morning. My arms and legs are all crispy now, dang sun.
This is weird, I have been thinking about it a lot lately though, so bear with me. Sometimes we can feel so protected by God. And at other times it's like we are flung into the middle of the ocean, in the midst of a storm and we have to swim our way back to shore. All it can take is a phone call, or anything for this to occur. I am not the only one going through this right now, I know, so my encouragement is not only for my own benefit, but for yours as well. Things were going smoothly, then BAM! I am in the middle of this ocean. I struggled in my own strength for a few days, and practically wore myself out. I was helpless to anyone. I clenched my fists and beat the crap out of my pillow, tightly latched my teeth to a chunk of flesh and just bit down hard. It kept me from screaming. I was so angry. It was just a fit of rage, very primal. I began to calm down and it was like God reminded me that there is a life saver, this dingy floaing along that would pull me out and bring me back to shore. He doesn't give us more than we can handle. This is like one of the hardest concepts to grasp because we are human, we expect the worse. I can only imagine how Daniel felt in the lions den. I am sure he wasn't thinking things were going to be peachy keen. I bet the first thing that went through his mind was "oh my Lord, look at those teeth!!" Only God can shut the lions mouth, only God can make a fish spew out the escapist Jonah, only God could provide a ram in the bushes so Abraham wouldn't have to sacrifice his son. Only God can pull us out of the crashing waves and do whatever it takes to restore our faith, our lives, our hope. I weep because I feel things have been taken away from me that are so precious, so irreplacable, but I have this small sliver of confidence that God knows what he is doing and will work situations out for good.
I don't know why I wrote all of that. I was actually just going to keep it all to myself. Anyways, enjoy the beautiful weather somehow, take a moment to get out of your situation and just reflect on something positive.

Where is the Love

2005-05-05T17:23:00.000-04:00

I was just listening to a Black Eyed Peas song which I titled my post today after. It really got me thinking. We live very much involved in this dog eat dog world, looking out for number one, survival of the fittest, if I may. We put ourselves first and are often inconsiderate of the feelings of others.
I recently read a blog entry which had a link to a news story about a woman who was scheduled for an abortion, she ended up going into labour and delivering a baby without the aid or care of anyone at the clinic. My heart ached for this woman. I read the comments surrounding this article and post, and my heart ached even more. Not a word of compassion was offered, even by some who called themselves Christians.
I have been raised and persuaded towards pro-life. I have signed petitions against abortion, deeming it wrong and a monstrosity. I believed every child deserves a right to live. I still do. But I wonder, have you ever put yourself in someone else's shoes? Do you know why they are doing this? Do you know that they think this is the best option for their child? Can we not just lovingly embrace these women, rather than think of them as some cold-hearted monster? God only knows what they have to think about and live with for the rest of their lives.
Jesus said the greatest gift is love. Where is the love? He also said, " judge not, lest you be judged." Can we examine our own hearts and search out our own wicked ways before we attack others? As sad as this situation is, it is even more devestating to think that we consider ourselves so pure, and spotless enough to cast the first stone.
I understand, and everything that is within me weeps.
____________________________________________________
05.04.05
Let Go
The army is good for keeping peace and fighting for justice. The army is bad for building an intimate relationship. That said, I am dreading J.D.'s departure this summer. I am not clingy and so dependent on him that I can't survive, I just love him and don't like the fact that he will be far away. He leaves two days before my birthday and instead of having a birthday party, I might just have a cry fest. Yes, I will have a pity party. I might also enjoy pints and pints of Ben and Jerry's Cherry ice cream and then I might run away. I am very jealous of his students and co-workers. They will get to work with him everyday, and when the day is over they will get to spend warm summer nights with him. Those warm summer nights I was planning on spending with him. I get his few weekends here and there. The times when I am most busy.
I will finish the rest of this post up later. I need to make dinner.

My Cat Flirts with My Husband

2005-05-02T18:09:00.000-04:00

The weekend is over, and for that I am glad. It was nice to just come home and let my head hit my pillow. Sometimes it's so hard to just give give give, even while exhaustion takes over. I'm not complaining, anything but. I am just very appreciative of rest.
I have never laughed so hard in my life. My friend Stephanie's sister and I were hanging out for a while and laughing our flipping butts off, at really nothing. That's what happens when I get tired. Everything becomes funny, or outrageously depressing. I feel like listing the rest of my blog. Thoughts enter my head so randomly these days.

~my sister and I got along reasonable well this weekend. Great progress.
~I talked to my mother via MSN IM. She is the funniest computer-illiterate person I have ever known.Her fascination is so amazingly childlike. She was so excited that one can send pictures and words so instantly. She is the cutest person.
~I haven't been feeling well, but I have been trying to hold it in, hold on. (I don't mean anything bad by that), no worries. SOmetimes being a girl sucks.
~I didn't go the the Stag and Doe, I am not drinking right now, and I was super busy. . .sorry I missed it Kate.
~ My cat totally flirts with JD. It is disgusting. She doesn't let me touch her and screams for his attention. I am getting jealous.
~It is May, time is flying by.
~I've decided not to go back to school in September. My plans have changed for around that time and going back is not in them. I might go back in January, but not to Redeemer. It would be really stupid of me not to go back and finish my last semester and get my B.A. so I will, but my career plans have changed. I am going into nursing. To be honest, a nursing job is much more fulfilling than a career in English and History.
~I am thirsty. I am going to end here. Just thought I would update.

Learn to Tap Like Billy

2005-04-28T09:30:00.000-04:00

Wow, a blog in two consecutive days, how rare is that?
I think I might just write this in point form. My affinity for lists and the making of said really wants to manifest.
~thanks for the continued prayers for my friend. Keep them going.
~I hear footsteps upstairs, it is probably my cat, but sometimes it still creeps me out.
~my hormone (ies) are still in full force because I am craving ice cream again, and I keep lashing out irrationally. Deep breath.
~my whole weekend plans are messed. I was scheduled to do something Saturday morning. Some women's confrence business and all of the sudden I have to do it Saturday night. Do they not know I have a life, and planned to take niece Jaden and nephew Seth to the African Lion Safari??? I also have a Stag and Doe that night. Bloody.
~JD is leaving for the summer. Have I mentioned that before? I know that it is a few months away, but time flies, and I am getting nervous. I think that is why I keep lashing out (lashing for me is crying, not throwing things or kicking Llamas). I hate letting people go, I hate it.
~The birds, once again, have nested in our garage, and to our much disliking, they have given bith to four beautiful blue eggs. What does this mean for us? Walking to our cars will consist of marathon sprinting, whilst ducking and hopefully not getting attacked by the protective parents. Oh the joy.
~The sky is blue and cloudless today. That means nothing. In a matter of a few seconds it could be pouring rain, or heaven forbid, even snowing. I have no idea what to wear today.
.:I need to end this. I just felt like posting some of my musings and ponderings from this morning:.

Transcribed

2005-04-27T10:47:00.000-04:00

Well, life thus far has been a busy roller coaster from one day to the next. Just when you think you can sit back and catch your breath, another complication, bump in the road, decision, etc., comes along and you have to deal. It's not the actual bump in the road that gets me, its the dealing with said bump. I am not very good at that. Life goes on.

It has been cold. We get a few sunny breaks and then the cold. I worked on my pre summer tan, which was amazing, and then BOOM the clouds, the rain, even the snow. Welcome to Canada, eh?! (pronounced with an Eastern accent).

I feel almost guilty for blogging. I know I haven't for a while, and it has been an enjoyable break, but I have a zillion things to do before a certain time today, and none of the things has even been touched yet. All preparation for the weekend. So much to do, so little time.

I am officially getting fat. I blame hormones and ice cream. In my state, I have become addicted to ice cream. This is serious. Everything I eat even tastes like ice cream. How sick is that? I need to go to detox rehab or something.

Blah. I will end. I shouldn't have even posted. Whatever.
On a sidenote: Carrie, my cell phone has been retardedly retarded. I finally got your messages. If you have been calling my home phone, I am never there so any message you left will have been deleted. Let me know which weekend you are in town. I still love you :)

Oh Baby!!

2005-04-17T16:17:00.000-04:00

Hi Guys, I won't be posting for a bit as things are getting busy around here. So much has been going on and a lot of new things have come up, which we are dealing with. It's all good, no worries. My postings will be up again, but for now I am taking a break. It will probabaly just be a short break.
Enjoy this nice weather :)

Special Collectors Edition

2005-04-09T23:47:00.000-04:00

As it turns out, I am unable to eat Antijitos. What are these you may ask? The devil in cognito. The devil rolled up into a little tortilla served with sour cream. The devil, armed with spices. The devil, and a bit of cream cheese and peppers. The peppers alone should have been my first warning. I don't like peppers, not to mention the jalepeno kind. My sister convinced me to add some dang Lousiana hot sauce to the little wrapped Antijito, at which I though ooo, a challenge, I like those so I poured some on. I don't usually do well with spicy things, apparently I left my common sense at home. I ate one, feeling fine for about 3.5 seconds and all of the sudden I felt bound up inside. I thought that maybe I just needed to go home and change pants. I was wearing some tight jeans. So we drove home, I got into my washroom, and without warning, violently barfed all over. What a dumb mistake.
Anyways, that is my gross story for the week.

Deleted Scenes and Alternate Opening

2005-04-08T16:22:00.000-04:00

just another list:
~the Papal funeral made me cry. He was such a good man.
~my brother's friend committed suicide.
~apparently in England they make Maltesers Hot Chocolate. Why did I not know this sooner? I will have to pick some up when I go!!
~I love it when my cat runs to me. It gives me the warm fuzzies.
~I need the warm fuzzies right now.
~I want to go to bed.
~I miss JD, this weekend is going to be hard. I hate it when you go.
~I want a puppy. A Chinese Shar-Pei, or a pug, either one and I will be happy.

Strong Tower

2005-04-06T10:51:00.000-04:00

just a list:

~thank you all for your continuing prayers in regards to my friend.
~had a mini breakdown, which felt really good. Said some things I shouldn't have said, but it still felt good.
~gonna throw some highlights in my hair later this week.
~need to buy the new Kutless album, man o man, it rocks.
~going to Germany soon, how exciting is that?!
~going to England for my birthday.
~maybe I will go to Croatia, too.
~got some nice Diesel perfume.
~thinking of taking up drum lessons, and maybe singing lessons again.
~keep getting nose bleed headaches. Seriously, my nose starts gushing and my head is pounding. I'm thinking about taking a trip to the ER tonight. Kind of makes me nervous. I keep refusing to go to the doctors for my head thing because I am afraid of needles.
.:finis:.

Pleading

2005-04-01T11:21:00.000-05:00

Guys, I don't care who you are or how you know me, or why you even look at my blog. Right now I am asking, begging, pleading for prayer. Not for myself. For a friend. I cannot divulge any information, nor do I want to, just keep her in prayer. This is serious. I don't care if you've never prayed before, I need you to now, for her. I cannot be more serious. This is life or death. Please pray.

They Painted Up My Secret

2005-03-31T22:29:00.000-05:00

She lifts the bottle of coke up to her lips, takes a swig and tightens the cap. Her gooey, cheese covered fingers pop in her mouth as she sucks them clean. She sits under the skylight and smiles as the people walk by. They are all her best friends. She reaches in and grabs another cheese ball and looks back at me smiling; her teeth covered in the sticky mess. I smile and wave back noticing her long salt and pepper coloured hair is done differently then normal. Everyday is the same for her. Sitting on the bench, bag of cheese balls, bottle of coke and an odd fascination with her teeth and ears. Fridays are her McDonald's days. She sits with her mother eating away in sheer delight. Only for the few outbursts of anger, as the mayo drips from her burger, she is relatively happy. She is sunshine. Her low, monotone voice lets me know she is mentally handicapped. Everything seems so wrong, but to her, everything is just the way it should be.
part of my daily observations

Sometimes I don't feel like posting. Really, I think it is more like sometimes I don't feel like doing anything. Blogging is a sort of sanctuary for me. I get to write how I feel about politics, literature, and how I feel personally. I don't feel judged by the people who read this, because it is my own spot, my own cyber sanctuary. If you say something that I don't like, I have the option of deleting it and blocking you from ever commenting. Fortunately, I haven't had to do this often. Wouldn't it be nice of we could do that in real life? Someone or something is bothering us, so we click a button and the situation vanishes into thin air. I would really appreciate a life function button like that.

My mother always told me that there will be people who come in opposition to the way I think and how I run my life. There won't always be nice people helping me along in my journey, which I quickly found out. She told me to develop thick skin, alligator skin, so that when opposition and hurt occurs, I won't take it so personally. Ideally, I still hope for a delete button, a tunnel of escape, a way out. For now, discontentment is my companion.

I am itching to leave, to go to the water, feel the waves against my bare ankles. I want to feel its healing, soothing embrace. I want to feel whole. Things seem so foreign to me right now. Things are happening that I am not used to, that I am not prepared for, that I have never planned. Oh, to turn back that hands of time.

My Paper Heart Will Bleed

2005-03-29T22:06:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been so nervous that you think you might puke? I'm not talking butterflies here, this is full blown bulldozers. How do you get rid of the feeling? I've never really encountered nervousness before. I was born on the stage, I've been infront of audiences since I was little- nerves of steel. Now, as I face situations surrounding these next few months, weeks even, I can't help but feel anxious. My insides are freaking out.

I think the snow is officially gone. We touched a high of 15 degrees today, and the ground is mushy. The only snow visible is the pile outside of the hockey arena. We made it thru another winter, another dead season. I somewhat miss the snow covered tree tops. The view from my bedroom window was just phenomenal. I took pictures, which I will share. Once the leaves start budding on the trees and the daffodils emerge from the brown, any vision of winter that I ever loved will be diminished.

Picture This:
Finally, the scanner is fixed and I can post pictures!!! This is much better then me rambling on about nothing, trust me.

This is the amount of snow accumulated after one single snow fall (courtesy of my backyard).

The view from my bedroom window.

It's a blimp, no wait. . .it's my cat :)

Andy and I on our way to the youth retreat.

TOboganning

Stephy and I making snow angels.

Pearl, just for Sarah :)

Lady Windermere I Presume?

2005-03-25T00:26:00.000-05:00

I have found it hard to get back into the swing of things. After being sick, I just can't seem to function like I want to. I just feel like sleeping, still. I haven't done any reading besides some Shakespeare lately, so my posts are nothing spectacular, just mundane everydayness. I finished my '100 Things About Me' list. Not that it matters or anything, I will be posting the list further down.

I learned a beautiful Evanescence song on the piano today. I had been meaning to learn it for some time, but never got around to it. I may also post the lyrics. I have posted them before, but for some reason the song stood out to me today and really struck a chord. Anyways, I shall now present to you:

100 Things About the Author (in no specific order)

1. I love live theatre, especially the Shakespeare plays.
2. I know the Heiroglyphic alphabet.
3. I swear I didn't learn it for fun. It was for a class.
4. I have a weird saddistic side to me-but only in a few instances. Now I've got you wondering, eh?! My bathroom floor is waxed slippery. Everytime someone goes in there they slip and have to grab onto the counter. I find it slightly amusing.
5. I love my cat. I picked her because she was the only cat that would jump from the barn loft and grab onto the cow's tails and swing. She has spunk and is just so cute and cuddly.
6. I dislike hair, especially leg hair. I will not ever let mine grow, not even in the winter.
7. I dislike (underline dislike) the taste of coconut. However, I have coconut candles, and coconut body butter.
8. I haven't been able to define myself philosophically. I thought I was a realist, but I do tend to lean on idealism at times.
9. I like nature. I am not a hippy, but I do find my peace surrounded by trees and water.
10. I am afraid of needles. This is deeply rooted in my childhood. My mother was a crack whore and my father was a dealer. No. . . actually, when I broke my arm the doctors gave me this mother of all needles. It hurt. A lot. Never, ever will I get another needle. And i.v's-forget it.
11. I go to church but I am not a Bible Pimp. I don't like to shove it in peoples faces. That is not nice.
12. I love wearing jeans.
13. I try to have my camera with me at all times.
14. Based solely on my music collection, one would not know how to describe me. I listen to everything from Beethoven to Snoop Dogg.
15. I am fascinated with the brain. Originally, I went into school with a focus on psychology, but it changed overtime. I regret the change to a degree. I became more interested in people being feeling creatures, one's with emotions and stuff like that. Psychology, to me, seemed to clinical, and unattached. Don't worry, it makes sense to me.
16. The only subject I dislike is math. Everything else is great.
17. I regret not getting a TB test so I could work at the hospital. Dumb fear of needles kept me from an awesome job.
18. Uncertainty scares me.
19. Running away is my answer to all life's problems. Bad, I know. Just think of all the possibilities
20. I have never played with toys. My mother bought me Barbies and all that, but I was more interested in hiding under the blankets with a book.
21. When I was 4 I used to visit my elderly neighbour. She let me play her piano and convinced my parents to give me lessons.
22. There is never a moment when I am not listening to music or humming.
23. I sing alto. I can sing soprano, but that is really stretching it.
24. When I play the piano, sometimes I don't hear music, but waves crashing along the shore. It is amazing.
25. As much as I like going out to have fun, staying in with a good book and a blanket is what I prefer.
26. I like to create hideaways.
27. Big, old churches and castles amaze my eyes. There is so much history to uncover.
28. I like doors. They can be so unique.
29. Languages are cool. I'd like to be fluent in 10 before I die. So far I know English, French, alittle Portuguese and some Latin.
30. I like shrimp, but not really any other fish.
31. I adore Meryl Streep. I would love to have the full collection of her films. She is so brilliant.
32. I am very fond of guitar players. There is so much one can do with the guitar.
33. I am a J Crew nerd.
34. I've always been 40 trapped in a kid body. My inner child is like 65, no doubt.
35. I like the burning sensation of toothpaste.
36. I don't do well at organized sports. Besides volleyball, I tend to run away from flying balls and pucks.
37. Drivers on cell phones make me very angry.
38. I don't like yogurt, but I do enjoy cottage cheese and oranges.
39. I don't like the smell of petrol.
40. English 3. . .umm. . .Shakespeare (361?) was my favourite course. Remember that one student that had to be laughed at? "How do I know if I'm ovulating?" . . .oh man, good times. And Kate was so evil! Getting 100% on all the quizzes even though she read none of the text!
41. I get scared of repetition.
42. I've never had poofy hair. I was blessed with thin hair genes. That means I can never leave my house without insane amounts of products in my hair :) Yippee!
43. I don't like guys who carry combs in their back pockets. I think that is sleazy.
44. I enjoy the colour pink when it is done tastefully.
45. My bedroom is blue. When clean, it can be a very soothing place.
46. Crying babies disturb me. Not in the "shut up. kid!" way, but in the "please tell me what you want" way.
47. I can't watch World Vision. It makes me cry.
48. I have never seen the full "Passion of the Christ" film. I probably won't. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
49. Everything lately makes me cry, it's odd.
50. I often wonder what life would be like if things were normal. I would love to sit and talk to Margaret Atwood about this topic. She has some pretty amazing ideas of a totalitarian society (more dystopian, if anything).
51. I hate celebrating my birthday
52. I get nervous when people talk with their hands. I think they are going to knock something over, or hit me.
53. Signs are funny. We have one sign (billboard) here that reads: "March is Kidney Month, donate generously" -why do I find that funny? It sounds so weird.
54. I think Paris Hilton is trashy, and don't even get me started on Jessica Simpson.
55. My mother has instilled proper etiquette into me, sometimes I fail to activate it.
56. I don't like robots. I am glad I'm not one. YAY!
57. I have a sock fetish.
58. The house on the movie "Something's Gotta Give" is my dream house. The simplicity of it, the built in library, the ocean in the back. . .paradise.
59. I like saying words like "fork" and letting them roll off my tongue.
60. I like using different accents. My latest is recorded on my cellphone voicemail. It is funny.
61. I have never taken my roll as the eldest child. I do protect my brother and sister, but in terms of personality. . .I am the passive one, whereas my sister (the youngest) is more aggresive.
62. I am not naturally a talker. I lean more towards observation and listening. I am very attracted to people who are colourful talkers, they make me jealous.
63. I've started to enjoy touching. That sounds weird, but I was an 'at arms length' person. No hugging, etc. Situations have changed that.
64. The Socratic Method of teaching nearly gives me a heart attack. French class, for example!!!! I hate to be put on the spot. If I know the answer I don't mind sharing it, but don't catch me off guard.
65. I lick my lips a lot - they taste so good!
66. There is only one person that can make me laugh until my stomach hurts. Other than that, I just sort of quietly giggle. (JD you crazy weird-o).
67. I don't like cake, cookies, pie, tarts, chocolate or anything like that. My sweet tooth can only be satisfied with Starbursts and Skittles. Oh and ice cream, yum!
68. I hate watching the news, it scares me.
69. JD's job scares me. I try not to think about the possibilities and "what ifs", but it is always on my mind. Sometimes it even makes me cry (go figure).
70. I love balmy, summer nights. The sound of bugs chirping and the stars are just so reassuring.
71. Black is my favourite colour to wear. It generally looks nice on everyone.
72. I've never tanned. My skin is so bloody pale, it burns.
73. I get really passionate about certain issues (like eating disorders, cancer, anything to do with children-abuse, education, etc.)
74. Generally I like animals, but I will run away from squirrels, elephants, snakes, rats, spiders, bats and ligers. (There is nothing more scary than a ticked off liger!!)
75. call me shallow, but I like cars.
76. I like shopping, and then I don't like it. If I know what I want, I like shopping. I just can't wander around the mall aimlessly.
77. I don't wear jewelery besides a ring. In the summer I wear hemp necklaces. That's it.
78. Bookstores fascinate me.
79. I want to own one.
80. Sometimes when I was little, I would fake not being sick so I could go to school. I was a nerd.
81. The only time I have ever skipped was when I started university. I mostly skipped my Canadian History class. It was a three hour night class, and the professor couldn't teach. It was hard to take notes. I only showed up to write the test, hand in my paper and write the final. Everything was taken from the test, so passing well was no problem.
82. I don't like being interrupted when I am reading. Just please, please wait until I am finished.
83. I disliked that fact that at Redeemer, unless you lived on campus, there was nowhere quiet to read. Yes, there was the library, but the smell of musty old Dutch books was overwhelming. I liked the G-Spot (don't ask). It was relatively quiet up there.
84. When alarms go off I panic and freeze.
85. I have purple fingers and toes. It's weird.
86. I love Tommy Hilfiger jeans, and American Eagle jeans as well (they fit my butt nicely).
87. I like oatmeal with cinnamon and sliced apples.
88. I used to tell my sister that crazy things would happen to her if she kissed boys. It was my way of protecting her from getting hurt. It didn't work.
89. Sometimes I have to read lips to understand what people are saying.
90. I used to think it was very old ladyish to carry a purse until I found the one I use now. Sarah picked it out, I love it!
91. After reading through this list, I am finding myself to be quite boring. I will make the next nine points more interesting.
92. I've only hallucinated once (good to know, eh?)
93. I hate pushing grocery carts. The thought of it makes me barfy.
94. I don't often tell people I love them. Consider yourself lucky if I have ever said it to you. This sounds odd. . . I just don't let myself love to often.
95. In my desire to help, I poisoned my friend once. She sliced her finger cutting cabbage.
96. I love Ralph Lauren and Diesel products. I think they make amazing fragrances and clothing. My Diesel glasses are sick!
97. I like doing weird things just to say I did them. Like kiss the Sydney Opera House. That place is beautiful.
98. I am not a big fan of animal print.
99. I could listen to classical and opera music all day.
100. I am not a very exciting person. *Phew* this is over.

. . . anyways, that's it, that's all. I never want to do that again. I have an affinity for lists, but that was insane.

I don't want to end this with Happy Easter because that sounds weird. So, I will just say enjoy the holiday respectfully.

We are working at fixing the scanner this weekend, so I might post pictures. Yay! We'll see.

Mushy

2005-03-23T17:39:00.000-05:00

My sister and I were messing around with the web cam today. I just thought I would post a picture to show y'all how cute she is. She looks older, it's the make up I think, but heck, she is adorable :)

I will post more later tonight. I just got home from work, I need a break. Oh and Kay, I watched the video to the song we were discussing. . . we should really learn how to dance like that, fo shizzel :) I was laughing so hard listening to it.
****************
Blah-Thursday
So I woke up this morning, looked outside and what to my wondering eyes should appear SNOW!!!!!!!!!!! Why is it Spring, and we still have blizzards? Stupid snow. Just when I decided it is time to put all my winter clothes away we get sub zero weather, bloody heck!

Prelude to a Sob

2005-03-22T22:40:00.000-05:00

I am still alittle barfy at the moment (sorry, barfy . . . not really a word, but who is marking this?). Things are still not coherent, so if this sounds spacy or weird, just bear with me.
JD and I finished watching "Monster" and oh my goodness, was it ever an amazing movie. I hated it so much. Charlize, the ever so beautiful, was just outstanding. I cried through the whole movie. I heard it was scary, so I made sure JD was with me, and I begged for the lights to be on, they weren't. I cuddled under the blankets waiting for some sort of Texas Chainsaw Massacre like scariness, but it never happened. I don't want to ruin the movie, but I do recommend it. It will make you mad. I was holding in the sobs by the end of the movie. JD fell asleep (not because he was ignorant, he was just super tired). Just watch it. It deals with rape and prostitution, so becareful who you watch it with.
Anyways, I need to change the subject. I decided to work on one of those obligatory '100 things about me' that every blogger has. I did have one for the other blog, but it was kind of dumb. Funny thing though, I can't even come up with ten things.
My head and thoughts are really jumpy tonight, lately, now. Lots. . . lots of things are going on, there is so much to share, but I don't feel like sharing it, not here, not now. Do you ever have those moments when you feel like there is so much going on, and you get overwhelmed? That is how I feel. I can't handle that feeling, I kind of don't like it. Life makes you feel so small at times, so small.
I sat at my piano for five minutes today, just to let myself go. I played that Evanescence song oh I forget what it is called. . . "these words don't seem to heal. . .this pain is just to real". . . anyways, it reminded me of old times, weird.
Well, I am done. My headphones are on and music is blaring. I need to do some paper editing.

Find me in the river, find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul layed bare
Even though you're gone and I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the river, I'm waiting there.
~Delirious

2005-03-21T08:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I have nothing to say, like today for instance. Nothing all to important to share. I did spend my weekend on the sofa near the washroom. Being sick gets really boring sometimes.

Here's something to read until I feel better and can post normal things

10 YEARS AGO I
1. I went into highschool
2. ran away with only a bag of popcorn
3. had a really dumb friend that made me do really dumb things (like ride my bike into a parked car)
4. wondered if I would ever go through puberty
5. figured Iwouldn't because I still had my kiddish figure (and would till until I was 17)

5 YEARS AGO I
1. I started University
2. made a whole tonne of new friends
3. went flying with Hannah (not actually flying, kind of intoxicated flying)
4. tried to teach myself how to play the guitar
5. did a whole bunch of weird things that first years do.

2 YEARS AGO I
1. made a decision that I haven't ever regretted
2. went to see a doctor
3. was legal drinking age
4. took some pretty crazy University classes
5. Met JD

YESTERDAY I
1. ran back and forth to the bathroom
2. layed on the sofa watching figure skating with JD
3. took a really long hot shower and got back into my pj's.
4. talked with my sister (we sounded like Italian Mob bosses "I luff you" "What you say you luff me, I don't know"?)
5. slept a lot

TODAY I
1. woke up
2. ran to the bathroom
3. blogged
4. listenend to music
5. tried to wake JD up (. . . all before 9:10 A.M.)

5 ITEMS I HAVE BRAND LOYALTY TO
1. American Eagle and Campus Crew Jeans
2. Jacob Formal wear
3. La Senza (for the underneath wear)
4. Bonne Bell "lip smackers" anything
5. Clinique Make up

5 SNACKS I ENJOY
1. nachos and salsa
2. pretzels and mustard
3. skittles
4. apples
5. cashews

5 THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
1. sweat pants when I feel like crap (they have to be cute though...can't have ugly sweat pants)
2. my family
3. certain friends
4. my Bible
5. underwear

I WOULD BUY WITH $1,000
1. that's not really a lot of money. . .umm I would buy lots of clothes
2. a new camera
3. Korg Triton LE digital Piano
4. shoes
5. music, sheet and disc

5 BAD HABITS I HAVE
1. snapping my gum
2. chewing the inside of my cheek
3. applying lip gloss/chapstick every five minutes
4. being anal about what I touch. . . like grocery carts, public washroom doors, and other things
5. thinking ahead

3 THINGS I WOULD NEVER WEAR
1. those disgusting track suits (for princesses)
2. high heels
3. ripped anything

5 SHOWS I LIKE
1. CSI: Miami
2. The Olympics (whenever they come on)
3. Extreme Make-Over: Home Edition-it makes me cry
4.
5.

5 PLACES I'VE LIVED
1. B.Dot
2. Portugal
3. Simcoe for a bit
4.
5.

3 NAMES YOU GO BY
1. Erica
2. Ekkers
3. Ria

3 PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1. Canadian (in many aspects)
2. Dutch
3. whatever else

3 THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. the upcoming future
2. failure
3. pain

3 OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1. Time (essential for me, I like to think and ponder about situations and how I will react)
2. Cleanliness
3. Love

3 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. red old navy t-shirt
2. radio active blue pj pants
3. a blanket

3 OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/MUSICAL ARTISTS
1. Evanescence
2. Plumb
3. Delirious

3 OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT
1. "Imagine", John Lennon
2. "October", Evanescence.
3. "Frail", Jars of Clay

3 NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. driving a long distance
2. a tan
3. I don't know. . .

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order)
1. My cat is thirty five pounds
2. I ate octopus
3. I got lost in one of the busiest cities in Europe, only to get on the wrong subway and get even more lost and end up close to Spainand ended up meeting a bunch of friends I went to school with who were headed in the direction I was trying to go.

3 THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO
1. whistle
2. wear lipstick...
3. listen to punk music. . . it gives me a headache

3 CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING (in no particular order)
1. hospice nursing
2. counsellor
3. mother (is that a career?)

3 PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
1. France
2. Mayan Riviera
3. NYC

3 KID'S NAMES
1. Abigail
2. Sophia
3. Elijah

Total Recall

2005-03-17T20:09:00.000-05:00

Saturday Addendum:
I heard a beautiful song this morning. I want to share just a small portion of it:
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
~Casting Crowns

(written at work)
I was going to begin this post by saying "on days like today", but really, there has never been a day like today. Sure, I am sitting in the same spot as yesterday, but today is much different. The sun is hanging at a different angle, I have different clothes on, my hair is up, etc. Everything is different, although the same. So, I will begin my post by saying " today finds me doing similar things to yesterday." I am perched on my stool right behind the cappuccino machine, listening to my music, waiting for the next customer. Evidently my favourite song is playing on the computer. There is a steady drum beat keeping me relaxed, and thoughtful violins singing in the distance. I am quite relaxed. My mind is elsewhere- I ponder life, a life, Spring, nothing.
The sun is pouring through the windows in the mall; it makes me want to get out my bathingsuit and oil, get a head start on my summer burn. I have to perfect that! I can't wait until the ground thaws and I can go play in the dirt. I think I might plant flowers galore this year. Flowers everywhere, buckets and buckets of them.
Everyone that passes the store looks somewhat relieved, happy even. Layers have been shed, and a though there is little snow, nothing is being tracked in, no boots are clomping along, the squeekie winter boot noise is hibernating until next year. My desire to leave and go to the waterside is ever present. The sound of waves is what my ears long to hear. I want to sit in flip flops and a towel, eating fries soaked in malt vinegar.
"Days like today" remind me that life goes on. It is always darkest before dawn. Although sometimes it doesn't feel like things will change, we have to grab onto the one thing that will bring us that much more joy, even if it is just to smile. Even if it is sharing in someone else's joy, or bringing them happiness. My joy is inward today, hard to explain, but easy to grasp. nothing I want to share at the moment, in time though.
I don't know what life is handing you, I don't know if it is more than you can handle, I don't know if you need someone to talk to, or an outlet? Maybe you need some joy? By all means-do whatever it takes.

Expectantly Nervous

2005-03-15T23:04:00.000-05:00

Unsinkable Soul noun. 1. Person who faces any challenge with hope, humour, and heart. See stick-to-it-ness. See perseverance. See pit bull. Se also victory.

I am trying to go somewhere with this post. So far, I have deleted and started over three times. Maybe I will just list what I want to say, you can fill in the blanks. And on second thought, I don't even want to do that.

I keep getting hit by waves of nausea and chills. My rainstorm cd is playing loudly in the background, it is soothing. My head is crying out for my pillow, and yet I don't feel tired. My mind is to concerned about its thoughts to even entertain rest. My emotions are spastic. I have been taking these herbal pills that are said to help whatever it is that needs help. Iron, B12, Folic Acid, Lecithin, and some green pill that tastes like wheat. I feel like a hippy. Not that I am all doped up and have arm pit hair, but like I should be eating tree bark or something. What I really need is Tylenol, but I am not allowed to have that right now. It wouldn't be a good idea anyways.

I ate a large meal tonight. Almost too large, but I was on a date, and it was on the list of requirements. Chicken Parmigiana and Spaghetti (and some beer, heavy on the root*wink wink*). The spaghetti began to get on my nerves (I got cranky, ok, so what!), and decided it wasn't worth eating, so. . .I just ate the chicken. Then I went grocery shopping. Lesson #8, 982: Never grocery shop on a full stomach, the amount of food intake visually will cause more nausea, and one might also develop weird food cravings, such as breaded shrimp and ice cream. Yep, weird. I know.

Ok, since I am babbling about things that set me off today, I have to mention working at the coffee shop. I like working there. However, it is March break (read: KIDS GALORE!). The thought of pouring another sugar shot makes me want to barf (go figure). We have these Torani syrups in crazy flavours like Mandarin Orange, French Vanilla, Italian Egg Nog, etc. We are talking straight sugar here people. These kids come in for a shot glass full, and I don't know how many I served today, but by the end of my shift I wanted to take the Torani bottles and smash them. This desire for an out burst is not normal for me, so Craig, you have nothing to worry about. Your store is under control, no worries.

I feel this blog took an unusual turn. Pardon my angriness. It is temporary, I can assure you that. I think when I read over this post, after I publish it, I will think to myself. . .whoa girl, chill out! Meh, I am actually cracking a bit of a smile now.

You know how I keep promising these winter pictures, and pictures of the snow in my back yard, and other pictures. . .the scanner needs to be fixed or something, something JD will know how to do. So, no pictures as of yet. Maybe next week? I don't know?

I have a few new obsessions:
Songs: Imagine (John Lennon), Frail (Jars of Clay)
Hazelnut/Vanilla Bean Lattes from William's[yes I know, not my coffee shop, but I am very picky with my taste in coffee (which reminds me, I should lay off the java for a while)]
Watching movies with the dude until we fall asleep
Smelling my hands, they really smell good . . . I don't know what it is?
tank tops
Jags and Mitsubishi Eclipses
. . .weird, I know.

Beautiful Nothingness

2005-03-14T23:00:00.000-05:00

Dill Pickle Chip Nuts

2005-03-13T11:38:00.000-05:00

I've calmed down significantly. My blood pressure is down, I don't find myself in a state of delirium, and my breathing is regular. *phew* I just have this stupid headache that won't go away, and no matter what amount of bed rest I give myself, it still pounds. Whatever, I'll live.
I got my hair cut yesterday. It was supposed to be a trim, but ended up being a full out cut. I also dyed my hair. My hairstylist Stephy is leaving for Montreal for two weeks, so I decided to colour my hair myself. What a mistake! It is so dark, I feel gothic, with my pasty white skin, icy eyes, and now the dark hair. Whoopsie! I should just through some highlights in it I guess. I'll have to get a picture of this, it looks odd, in a nice way.
JD is gone right now. He started a mortar class today (Sunday of all days)!! He has to leave the house at 4 A.M. and probably won't get home until around 6 P.M. He gets paid a lot of money so he doesn't mind that way, but I start to miss him after a while. This 4 A.M. crap is only lasting for the week, and then he is back to teaching his regular classes.
I am going to end this for now. I think I am going to go back to bed. I still think that sleeping will help this headache.

Tazo Chai Grande Please?

2005-03-11T00:13:00.000-05:00

I need an outlet, just for a bit. I really don't care if you read this, I really don't care. I am not writing this to have responses like "well, I am praying for you, Jesus cares." Thanks, but I know.
I broke tonight. It was so bad my mother had to be called to fix me. God I felt like a child. I felt so bloody selfish. I knew that sometime soon I would break. I had been supressing so much for so long, it was inevitable. I knew it was soon, I just didn't know how big it would be. It was weird, you know? I saw myself laying on my bedroom floor in the fetal position, sobbing, shaking, I saw it from the other side of the room. My head was resting on JD's arm and my mother's hand was pressed firmly against my forehead. My tongue was latched inbetween my teeth just to hold onto something for control. From the other side of the room it looked odd. I don't remember what was said, but they were talking quietly, rambling on, trying to get me to talk, make some coherent thought. In my head I knew what I was saying. . . "I just can't do it, I don't know." My words sounded funny.
I feel better now. I am going to sleep on my bedroom floor (to make me feel grounded), I have a thunderstorm track playing over and over on the computer, I am trying to stop shaking.
I know Jesus loves me, don't tell me that. I don't want to hear it right now. Actually, just the sound of recorded rain will do. Maybe a trip to the ocean will work . . . deep breath. Ok there, its out. I don't feel better, but at least I recorded yet another freak out (apparently it is good to track certain emotional streams, that way you can follow them and note the changes before and after the freak out, for future reference and heads up, I guess).
I can't parallel park.
My house smells like patchouli oil and Ralph Lauren's Romance perfume and vanilla. Weird, hey?
I am not delirious, things are just popping into my head that don't make sense. Nothing to worry about. Tomorrow, things will go back to normal. Blah. Sorry, just pretend you didn't even read my post.

Tilly You Fat Lard, Eat Your Food

2005-03-09T00:26:00.000-05:00

My mother pointed out today that Napoleon Dynamite language is taking over the world. Her grade six class spouts it off constantly (gosh!). My mom hasn't seen the movie so I invited her around to watch it with JD and I. We all agreed that it is the most pointless movie ever, but it is still funny, in that idiot way. Anyways, that explains my title. It is a quote from the movie (minus the Tilly part. Tilly is my cat. The actual quote says Tina, who is a llama. But since my cat is also a fat lard, it seemed fitting to use her name).
JD and I went away for the weekend. We went to visit his family and fix my car. It was really nice to be away. I like away. For all you psycho analysts out there I am an ESCAPIST. I enjoy running away for the sheer pleasure of it. It was a great weekend, but I don't think I ate anything normal. Nothing home cooked. All the grease and carbonation is getting to me and now I feel sick (kind of like the feeling you get after eating McDonalds). It was all tasty nonetheless.
This lady that comes to the coffee shop everyday told me that I should buy the house across the street from her. She has cancer and wants someone to take care of her. She also asked me to move in with her. I think JD and I might do that. She doesn't want to be alone during this scary time. She is very old and has no family at all. Isn't that odd? Pray for her (Melba).
On a different note, I have a scanner hooked up to the other computer (in my room) which means pictures are closer to being posted then they were yesterday!!! Woot woot! I have a lot of pictures to post from a variety of different occasions. Stay tuned.

Just for retard sake I thought I would post my hobbit name :Leila of Buckleberry Fern (lucky me?) and JD's: Till Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern.

JD

2005-03-03T23:38:00.000-05:00

(If you don't know him, that's a shame).
Sometimes when someone is not around you think about that person a lot. For instance, I am in my house, alone (besides my cat), thinking of you. Life grabs you by the neck, and you get so caught up in entertaining it that you forget those special special people around you (like your spouse, fiance, boyfriend/girlfriend, best friends, etc). As I sit here alone, without you (for another half hour or so) my heart is so filled with gratitude and appreciation, just for being you. You have made my life so much easier, and so much brighter just by being in it. At times when it is silent and I find myself feeling lonely I just remember your stupid cow noise and remember how much it made me laugh. Life is hectic. Early mornings and late nights, it seems like there is just no time to connect, yet somehow it works. There is this understanding. Sometimes things seem too perfect and it scares me. But I love you.
I'm rambling, I am sorry. Usually I don't post about anyone inparticular, but tonight is different, tonight I miss you.

2005-03-01T10:16:00.000-05:00

Playdough
(subtitle) I Do it For Free
With my belly full of nice, Ontario, red wine, a dimmed lamp on, a sleeping husband on the couch and a purring cat in my lap I struggle with an adequate interpretation. Maybe it is because I am alittle giggly, or because I just woke up, or possibly because I am not usually in the mood for Plato at 1 A.M., or maybe it is something else, something isn't connecting. Let me explain.
"In every case the laws are made by the ruling party in its own interest. By making these laws they define as "just" for their subjects whatever is for their own interest and they call anyone who breaks them a wrongdoer and punishes him accordingly" Plato.
My brother is taking this fantastic University Law course. It is fantastic in every possible way. I love it. I could sit and listen to him talk about this class for hours. Frankly, I am addicted.
Brother: You know a bit about philosophy don't you?
Me: heck yes I do. I only went to a liberal arts university and had to take how many philosophy courses?!
Brother: just a yes would have been fine
Me: (thinking: oh you don't want to rant about school, shucks) Yes.
Brother: can you help me with a project. . . I'll pay you?!
Me: what do I look like. . . an homework pimp, for crying out loud brother. Gimme a break. Yes of course I will help you, I am a sucker for homework.
Brother: again, just a yes would be fine.
Me: snob
Brother: tell me all you know about Plato. Actually just write it for me. I am doing a paper and Plato is the one guy I forgot to read about.
Me (with a mimicking voice): just a yes would be fine
<>
-The Republic
-metaphysical
-ideas exist
-blah blah blah
so on and so forth. It made him happy. But the quote. My poor brother has to defend whether or not he agrees with this quote. His answer: yes, but no. Thankfully he is not going to be a lawyer. So, needless to say, I am doing abit of homework for him. I know SHAME!!! It's just this once and it's for my brother, and I won't take any money for it, so it isn't really homework pimping. Does anyone have Tylenol?

The following is not actually about Keanu Reeves, but Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures (DVD case) inspired my latest title. Unfortunately I don't like Mr. Reeves. He probably smells good though.

< intermission />
check out this link http://www3.ns.sympatico.ca/lyle_24/myhero.html
it will have you (carrie especially) laughing.

The Evolution of Keanu Reeves
It snowed again. Lucky us. There comes a time in some Canadians lives when they regret moving to the tropics during such winter months. I would be one of those Canadians. Snow has this sinful way of capturing me. I look at the world from the lense of a camera and I just can't help but admire the handiwork. As much as driving in snow gives me heart failure, the beauty it posesses brings me joy. So I whipped out my camera and took some amazing shots from my bedroom window. I think I will scan them tonight along with all the other pictures I have been promising to scan (winter retreat pictures, etc).
I went to the movies last night and saw Hitch. It is one of those classically modern love stories. It was pretty funny. Funny man Will Smith is the lead character and he develops theories in dating and coaches these desperate guys. It was cute.
Pictures are coming. I'm super busy. Got. To. Take. Break.

Don't Mind if I Do

2005-02-26T18:23:00.000-05:00

I am trying to think of a new name for this place. 'A Room of One's Own' just doesn't seem inviting. Actually, I hate repetition and frankly it is just getting on my nerves. If you can think of a new name, feel free to leave your suggestions.
I have nothing really interesting to post. I am just sitting here with my Jone's Soda and taking care of my cousin. Emergency babysitting sucks, but my cousin is cute. She keeps yelling at me...and she is watching Shrek 2, lovely :)
I really want to share my super awesome, exciting news but. . .I also kind of want to wait a bit. We'll see. . .y'all might just have to hold on a bit.
Anyways I am rambling and I am not really making any sense.
(my cousin just asked me why my name was Erica. . .how does one respond to that?). Ok, blah blah blah. . .*sigh* boring. I'll shut up now. Pictures, they are coming :)

I Don't Really Care if They Lable Me a Jesus Freak

2005-02-24T09:26:00.000-05:00

I watched Napoleon Dynamite about a kazillion times and there is one part where they are doing sign language to "The Rose" a Bette Midler song. That song is stuck in my head and no matter how hard I try, it won't come out. Please bear with me as I try to make it through another post in that condition.
I am trying to avoid drugs today. Drugs have been the topic of conversation lately. It began while sitting in my grandmother's living room and my mom burst out saying "I signed up for drugs today!" She seemed rather excited. If you can picture my mother you know how wrong and how out of place that statement is. She said it so calm and collectedly. Anyways, after laughing at her for about an hour she finally told us that she had to sign up for programs for her grade 6 class. Something like the D.A.R.E program, I guess.*End Digression* So, My wisdom tooth is coming in, finally. I don't have to get it pulled thank God, but it hurts a lot. My whole face just aches. I want to take Tylenol but everytime I do, it knocks me out.
Anyways, I promised pictures (I know I know). I haven't scanned them yet. I am thinking that I will early next week. I am really busy this weekend, so I will try and get that done for this week.
I really should find more interesting things to blog about. I just have had writers block lately. I get that every so often.

. . .some say love, it is a river. . .UG! can anyone get this song out of my head?!?!?!?!

Till I Hear it From You

2005-02-22T09:59:00.000-05:00

I got my pictures developed yesterday, and boy was I ever excited. It was like reliving the weekend all over again. As soon as I get them scanned I will share them. I am amazed at how beautiful the landscape was up North and how well it was captured on film. Everything was white and there was a total of 30cm of snow (if I am correct). It was just outstanding.
While at the retreat I watched a five minute segement of The Passion of the Christ. Words cannot describe what happened in my heart during that part. I still find it hard to talk about, even now, and I only saw five minutes of that film. It was the part where Jesus was being beaten with the sticks, and then the whip with pieces of bone. I couldn't stop shaking and crying. I told myself I would never watch that film because I can't handle things like that, but even that small bit really had an influence on me. It redefined the word 'love', it redefined 'redemption', it redefined how I view Jesus. I have always found it alittle difficult to accept that God loves me. I didn't really understand the concept. Growing up in church I was always taught that Jesus was some mean guy in heaven, ready to smite me down if I did one little thing wrong. I didn't see how a loving Jesus could let people suffer the way I knew people were. I didn't see how a loving Jesus could let things happen to me that would stay with me for the rest of my life. I realized this weekend that a loving Jesus paid an indescribable sacrifice to die in humilation of a cross, one of the worst possible deaths of the time. Jesus loved me that much, that He would die for me so that I could get to heaven. I was on His mind as He drew His final breath, you were on His mind as He cried out "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." He loved us so much that His heart literally burst for us. I understand now. I understand now.
I am not sure what happened inside my heart this weekend. I have a lot to sort out and the reality of coming home and having responsibilities has hit me, but I do know that something has changed.
I don't know how to end this, I guess sometimes it is best to just not say anything at all.

2005-02-20T23:31:00.000-05:00

I had the most amazing weekend ever. I love youth so much. Oh my gosh. They are so flipping hyper and just. . .wow. I just got back so I really can't write much. I will post and put up pictures once I have had enough sleep. I am unable to make a coherent thought without saying/thinking the words "friggin, flippin, oh my gosh, no way, phat, sick, shut up, peace out, etc." The language has gotten to me. Anyways, I will post more in a bit ;)

Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard

2005-02-16T08:50:00.000-05:00

First things first:"The four most important words in any marriage are 'I'll do the dishes"' I'm sorry but I had to quote that ;)

Just another addendum before I officially end this post: If you have done any researching on the subconscious I would love to hear about it. I have a horrid habit of talking in my sleep. I am thinking of taping myself one of these days. Anyways, I am just wondering if that has any connection to dreams, subconscious, Freud . . .etc. (stay tuned for a post on my ramblings).

Weather is crazy, run by its own agenda, its own master, its own seperate standards. We try to understand it, but it just laughs at us. I don't understand how one day it can rain and pour and be humid and the next day there be 10 cm of snow on the ground. Can someone explain to me how that works? I enjoy nature, I enjoy fluctuating weather conditions, but this? It is just weird. Yesterday I sat down here to continue typing up some Atwood information and I was in a tee shirt and jeans. It was rather warm, no kidding. Today I am bundled up in two blankets, a sweater, some thermal underwear, thermal socks, slippers and a hat. The heat is turned way up, but I am chilled to the bone.
I was excited yesterday when it was raining. I love rain, everything about it is beautiful. It smells so promising. One of my favourite things to do is sit outside in a thunderstorm and just think. I have cds with rainstorms recorded so that when it is not raining I can still listen to the sounds. I didn't get to sit out yesterday because by the time I got home, I had to leave again.
My thoughts have turned towards this upcoming weekend. Nerves are starting to get to me. I am surprised because I really don't get nervous, not anymore. I am just thinking of these kids who are 15-19 and how hyped up they are and how mellow and not so hyper I am. I have already stared to pump my system full of sugar, just in case. Stephanie is on antibiotics to combata cold she is fighting. Actually it is a pretty bad infection. She is the lead singer on the team (of three members) and she lost her voice less then a week ago. Pray for us as we venture out into unknown territory. None of us are really keen on the teenagers. They scare us actually. Things have changed so much since we were that age. No seriously, they have. Pray for us.
I just looked out the window, it has started to snow again. Bloody heck, why doesn't it just go away?!?!?!? I should take some pictures to post.
If I don't post between now and the time I get back, have a great rest of the week, and weekend.

MaryJane's Last Dance

2005-02-12T19:07:00.000-05:00

I took a break, I know. It was kind of unexpected, but I did spend my time doing important things, let me tell you!
I booked a test to get the final part of my license. Here in Canadia it takes like 3 test s to finally be able to drive completely. I have my license but have to get this final one, and basically with this, the only difference is now I can have like .07 ml of alcohol in my system. Yippee?! I am an awesome driver, and I have like tonnes of freeway/highway experience, so I am not too worried. I am going to try and get my motorcycle license though, I know you can't see me on a Harley, but I want to get a Honda Jazz, a cute scooter (whoo hoo).
Anyways, I don't have enough time to do a post justice, so I will close.

It's Exactly What You Think

2005-02-08T09:01:00.000-05:00

I can barely walk. Why? Oh because in my limited knowledge of being fit and healthy I decided to reduce my risk of heart attack and stroke by controlling my health now. That was a pretty way of saying I have decided to take and hour power walk everyday. I can walk to and from work and it takes me an hour. I thought it was a great idea. Apparently my legs didn't. Two days passed so far and I have kept to my plan, but man does it ever hurt. No pain, no gain though, I suppose. I will have buns of steel though, you wait and see. People will be lining up to take a look (or a touch, I am sure).

I watched melting snow today. I sat in my living room, in my favourite chair just watching water run into the sewer system. It was beautiful. The same melting snow is going to be water that nourishes plants in the springtime. The same water that will provide me with refreshment in the heat of the summer, the same water that will wash the leaves of their green pigment during a time when the sky is painted with bright oranges and reds. This same water that brought me so much anger will be the same water that nourishes in future time. This reminds me of life. Situations that cause us anger and frustration will be the same situations in future years that will bring us joy; we will be able to see through the veil of tears, grab a hold of what is pure and be able to help others who see no end in sight.

Three months ago a situation happened leaving a family and many friends empty, causing an uproar of hellish circumstances to turn their lives upside down. Pray for peace, even now.

Ten years ago I had my first thought of starvation. The beginning urges in a downward spiral. Each day I listened to the monster and gave into its desires leaving a family confused, a life broken, in need of healing.

Such is the water I observed this morning. Substance that caused me such madness, such intensity, an unbearable anxiety . . . melting away, streaming away to a place where it can be purified and made whole, healthy so that is can make others healthy.

Don't you feel like sometimes you are constantly being hit by things that seem unbearable to you, but in your strength you stand tall and bear it to the end? Your life an emotional mess? The only thing you can do is cry "God, how could you?" I feel it, I know what it is like. Even now, I know what it is like. This is just a season, it could be a very long one, or a short one, but in the next season whatever happens now will be of great impact.

I think of that as I go and speak at this youth retreat. In today's society, as it has been for most of the 20th and 21st centuries, beauty prevails, looks are what really matter. Anorexia is the latest diet. So many girls have this unhealthy image of themselves and what they want to look like. It plagues everyone, don't tell me you have never felt some sort of beauty anxiety in your life? Some girls just fall into the trap and the season I went through may bring nourishment to these young girls.

I let my mind wander today as I observed nature. I do that often. Take life lessons out of nature.

If you need anything today, ask for it. Reach out.

My Cat Likes My Husband

2005-02-06T23:31:00.000-05:00

I hate concentrating on being in a specific mood and then being startled by weird, random things (like a cat licking my toes). Weird.

If I scared anyone on my previous post, I am sorry. I just wrote how I felt. I still feel the same way, but am working on fixing it, no worries.

I am tired, maybe I will write more later. I really need sleep. These 3 A.M. things (for lack of a better word) are making me really sleepy (*cough JD cough*)

Here is something I found on Scott's blog (thanks!)
It's all about senior year of highschool. Whooppee.
[What year was it?]
1998 (I think)

[What were your three favorite bands?]
U2, oh my gosh I can't even think . . . oh dc talk and, Green Day

[What was your favorite outfit?]
Flare pants and my Tommy Girl shirt

[What was up with your hair?]
Long. I kind of liked it.

[Who were your best friends?]
Sarah and Ian

[What did you do after school?]
well my senior year was in Portugal, I went to the beach, ate Portuguese food and went to this huge friggin shopping mall.

[Did you take the bus?]
I took the subway.

[Who did you have a crush on?]
Filip Quina (as I look at the pictures now I am like . . .man I must have really liked his personality, he had a uni brow).

[Did you fight with your parents?]
My mother and I didn't fight that often. Only on a few issues, and usually I was right (wink wink)

[Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?]
I don't remember, we are talking like 6 years ago. I don't even remember what movies were out then? But I was never one for liking the young actors, so I probably had a crush on Sean Connery . . . I think I still do.

[Did you smoke cigarettes?]
no not then

[Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker?]
I didn't have a locker. I went to this small private school and there really was no need. I had a book bag.

[Did you have a 'clique'?]
yeah I did. Me and a bunch of others who could afford to take the subway to the underground place where we'd all hang out. It got pretty expensive after a while. My clique was cool though.

[Did you have "The Max" like Zach Kelly and Slater?]
nope, I had "the rachel" like Rachel Green from Friends

[Admit it, were you popular?]
I was in the popular group, so as far as I know . . .

[Who did you want to be just like?]
I didn't really want to be like anyone. I was big on uniqueness (just like everyone else)

[What did you want to be when you grew up?]
A doctor

[Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?]
med school

Hungry?

2005-02-02T17:44:00.000-05:00

I have a tonne of mixed emotions as I write this blog. Actually I could be experiencing all emotions at once. Not that I am hormonal right now or anything, it's just the circumstances of life that are causing this odd chemical reaction in my brain, and wherever else.
I have been very depressed lately. If I even came close to explaining anything you'd probably have me in a bubble room at the nearest Mental Institution. I am not kidding. It is in these vulnerable moments when Satan plants these outrageous thoughts into our minds. At night there is a scene of a battlefield taking place in my mind. I am constantly in this weird sort of anguish. Last night was by far the worst I have experienced lately. I honestly pleaded for God to let me go in my sleep. I had my mind set, no more, no more. I can't do it anymore. I can't be pushed to my limits and have people expecting more. I had had enough. I am not in any way emotionally unstable. I just have limits. It is in these moments where I feel like I am being controlled. This causes me to refuse food. I am almost kicking myself saying don't do this, you are past this monster, don't do it. But I can't help it. I pray daily that there will be a chasm between me and this thing that wants to grab me again. I am vulnerable and it won't leave me alone.
On the other end of the emotional scale I have this excitement going on inside. I am leading worship at a youth confrence in a few weeks. It is this winter retreat weekend and I am pumped. The whole theme is Identity Transformation. The 'IT' weekend. I can't even begin to explain how I feel when I lead worship. In the whole section above I talk about how awful I feel, but when I worship . . . none of that seems to matter at all. I am honoured to be able to lead youth to the throne of God. I am thrilled to be able to worship the creator of the universe, offering a sweet smelling fragrance of worship to Him, who gave me life that I may live it more abundantly. Worship the God whose will is for me to prosper and not to fail, even in things like my identity, my eating disorder, my life. My heart leaps at the chance to honour such a beautiful God.
Everything is spinning. I flip from one to the other. Frustrated to excited. In typing that I am reminded of God's deliverance. He delivered the Israelites out of Egypt (and around the mountain they went . . .) Is there ever a moment when you earnestly seek God's deliverance, His peace . . . just to know His arms are wrapped around you, even now. It doesn't matter what you are going through, it doesn't even matter who you are, what sins you have committed, it doesn't matter. God desires to love you, embrace you, heal you. I am speaking to myself as well. I often run away from God thinking why did you cause this event to happen, why are you allowing certain things to take place. Sometimes I just need that gentle reminder that He is here (I will never leave you nor forsake you), that I don't have to worry (be anxious for nothing). I crave that post worship service feeling. The one where you know the Holy Spirit is right there. It is almost tangible. I crave it.

Please see me through this valley
Take my hand as I overcome the mountains
Help me float when the waters of life o're throw me
Give me wings to fly
Such is the cry of my heart.
Where your spirit is there is freedom
Breathe oh breath of life
Reviving these dry bones
Let me soar on the wings of eagles
Help me run and never faint.
I will stand in this valley and praise you
On the mountain tops I will shout for joy.
Take all of me
Empty me.

Lights are on but No One is Home

2005-01-31T08:36:00.000-05:00

Addendum
If anyone is taking a trip to the U.S. anytime soon let me know!!! I fell inlove with Sweetpea Antibacterial soap from Bath and Body Works. It's a shame that Canada doesn't have that store. The smell made me happy today for some reason? I like it almost as much as lip gloss. Hmmm, maybe I can order from the internet?

It has been a while since I last blogged. It seems like a while for me anyways. I get so busy and to sit down for a blog post seems to take away my precious time. There has been a lot going on lately (work, meetings, late night get togethers with my team members, etc.) It has been straining. When one gets so busy, one forgets that one's body can't handle a busy schedule like that. I kind of crashed last night. I came home, grabbed my pillow and screamed into it. It felt really good, but I still feel a bit depressed (nothing a little lip gloss wont cure though). It'll pass, I just need a few days to relax.
Anyways, I need to head out, but stay tuned for my Atwood post (Coming Soon to a blog near you).

My Cat Doesn't Like My Husband

2005-01-27T11:30:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a meeting with those we never speak of (actually it was the leadership of the hosts of the youth confrence I am working with). We were going over the schedule and plans for the weekend (winter wonderland bliss). I am just way to excited for words. I get to do worhsip the whole weekend, plus snowboard!!! Don't worry I will post pictures. I feel like a kid at Christmas, I am counting the sleeps until we leave. YAY!

So I signed into my email today, after forgetting to check it for a couple of weeks. . . 30 new emails to respond to! Lucky for me five of them were junk mail. *Phew*

I could smell Chinese food all night, I couldn't sleep because the smell is so gross. It didn't occur to me that I could wander downstairs and find out where the smell is coming from, nooooo. I had to wait until morning to find my cat licking a plate of Kung Pow Chicken. Stupid cat knows she is not allowed to jump up on the counter but she claims the food was calling her name. Weird thing is, Kung Pow Chicken is like uber hot, I have no idea how she downed it. I hope she doesn't get sick. I know what spicey food does to me.
Anyways, my back is feeling much better, actually it is numb, so I can't really feel anything. It is just my arms that are bothering me now. It feels like tendonitis or something. My wrists ache. (I just had a vision of that asprin commercial "Sally, what's wrong". . . "my wrists are on fire...")
Well, I need to jet. Today is my freaking, super busy day.

Jessica Jessica! Where Have You Been?

2005-01-25T23:44:00.000-05:00

I am alittle hopped up on drugs right now. Not the bad drugs, I'm not a crack whore so don't get any ideas. I have drugs to lessen the pain. My back and arms are sore, the past few days have not been fun ones for me. Unfortunately I haven't been able to drown my pain and traumatic sorrow in sticky, chocolatey foods. . .frankly the thought of it makes me sick. I don't know why, but my stomach turns at the thought of any food right now. Is that a symptom of post traumatic stress? Or am I just being crazy? Go on, you can say crazy, I know you are dying to say it.
I went to work today in sweat pants and a hoodie. ROCK ON! I felt like I was five years old again. It was so comfortable feeling five again. No tight, restricting zipper flies, no inseam scratching my legs, no itchy sweater. . . it was like sweat suit heaven.
I think tomorrow is going to be a snow day. I really need to think about moving to Florida or the Bahamas.
If you get the chance to pop into a theatre soon be sure to watch Meet the Fockers. I am not sure how long it is playing, but I had to see it before it went out of the show. Man, that was a really spontaneous movie watching date. Anyways, the movie is hilarious. Everything from a fake boob, to well. . . if I told you, I would ruin the movie. Just watch it. If I laughed, anyone will laugh. Also, The Village. . .wow, that movie made me mad. Not in a bad way though. I loved having to think my way through the movie. The plots and sub plots are just so well done, and the collection of award nominee actors/actresses did an amazing job. I was impressed. Watch it, but keep in mind. . . we can't discuss those we never speak of (but end up speaking of the whole way through the movie).
Umm, I had another movie to put in here but it has slipped my mind. Searching, searching, searching. . . nope, can't find it. Oh well, maybe next time.

This is my sister and her best friend. Karlie (my sister) is the dark haired one, her friend is the blonde one. Just thought I would share. This is a picture taken from Karlie's camera phone. Snazzy, hey?

Balloonia Matthew, where else! (to answer the title question...taken from my favourite child hood book "Balloonia")

Cell Phones and Cars

2005-01-24T08:37:00.000-05:00

I am a huge fan of cell phones. I have one, will probably always have one (I want one with the blackberry features. . . or whatever it is called). I fully embrace technology that is cute, especially pink iPods. I also love cars, I think I like cars more than I like pink iPods. However, I hate cell phones and cars together. I detest them actually. Reason being, yesterday late afternoon I was driving out of the area that I live in and onto the busier street. There is a plaza on the busy street which has an exit/entrance located on the not so busy street that I was driving down. I consider myself a very alert driver, I can spot police miles away. Anyways, this driver (who is talking on a cell phone, and so was his passenger) decided to pull out right beside me, hitting my car and sending me flying into a pole. He took off, I didn't get a plate number or anything. I kind of just sat in my car on my neighbours lawn thinking. . .oh dear. I reversed and drove to my destination. I got out to inspect my car, no damage hallelujah, called my mom on my handy dandy cell phone and started to sob. We were all supposed to meet in another city last night where I was playing, so I asked her to bring my make up (my eyeliner was running). That is my accident in a nutshell. I left out a lot of me crying (I need to look tough). Had there not been a snow pile I probably would have knocked over the sign, had a broken windshield and possibly something other than a sore neck and back. I have a deeper appreciation for snow today, and I think that people who talk on phones whilst driving are idiots. If it is an emergency, pull your car over. I became a minor statistic last night. Many have been severly injured and even killed due to ignorant people who talk on their phones. Don't do it. It's that simple. Thankfully I only need to see a massuse (how unfortunate). It could have been much worse, but it isn't, thank God. My life flashed before me, things ran through my head. It is amazing what happens when a bit of trauma hits you. I mean, this little accident was totally minor compared to other things, but psychologically, trauma hits and it makes one think weird things, let me tell you!
I will be in my pjs for most of the day today. YAY!

The New 'In' Smell

2005-01-22T09:28:00.000-05:00

I realized between grabbing a kleenex and going to work, that I haven't blogged for a while. I have been sick. It hits me in the morning during the time I would usually blog. I go to work, and when I come home I feel alright, but my chest is heavy. By like 8:30 I am zonked, and no matter where I am. . . I start to fall asleep.
I have been taking Buckley's Cold and Flu tablets, which worked for the first week. Now I am ending the second week and they don't work so well anymore. I've probably become immune to their ways. Evil Buckley's. I don't think the frigid weather helps much either. I mean -20 degrees? Who lives like that? It's no wonder people are under the impression that we live in igloos.
One bit of relief that I do get is before I fall asleep. I have this amazing Menthol Vicks Vapour Rub. . . it smells like old people but man, does it ever clear my sinuses. I just have to make sure not to sleep on my stomach, that usually makes me start to choke in my sleep. . . yes, another story for another day. It hasn't been a very pleasant experience. Anyways, I haven't been able to read much and do my Margaret Atwood research, so it will have to wait for a bit. Now you are just stuck with sick ramblings. I hope everyone is doing well?
1. What time is it : 9:50 A.M.
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Erica Laine Blah blah blah
3. Nicknames: Ekkers, Rica Roo, GG, Dude (my sister calls me dude, I call her Charles), Pasty White Girl and Snowflake (from my brother)
4. Piercing: Ears
6. Eye color: Blue/Grey
7. Place of birth: BGH
8. Favorite foods: Italian, Chinese, Spinach Salad
9. Ever been to Africa: not yet
10. Ever been toilet papering: heh, yes
11. Love someone so much it made you cry: yeah
12. Been in a car accident: yeah, once in a car, once on a bike.
13. Croutons or bacon bits: sick, neither
14. Favorite day of the week: Mondays (the day that I get to sleep before 2AM)
15. Favorite restaurants: Montana's, Perkins, ummm, a really good chicken place in Portugal.
16. Favorite flower: Cala Lily, Gerbera, and Orchids
17. Favorite sport to watch: tennis
18. Favorite drink: at the moment Steamed water with lemon and honey, usually I like orange juice
19. Favorite ice cream: anything with cherries and chocolate chip cookie dough.
20. Disney or Warner Brothers: Disney Pixar
21. Favorite fast food restaurant: Pita Pit
22. What color is your bedroom carpet: beige
23. How many times did you fail your driver's test: none, the woman testing me liked me and said I smelled nice, she knew I was very competent especially after someone on rollerblades rode right out infront of me during the examination.
24. Which store would you choose to Max out your credit card: I maxed my credit card out at L.A. Music, but normally I would do it at American Eagle Outfitters, Mexx, The Gap. . .
25. What do you do most often when you are bored: Bored? I don't get bored.
26. Bedtime: no set time (meaning usually 2AM)
27. Favorite TV shows: Um, Judging Amy (she's pregnant!!), Zoe Buisek, CSI, I don't have time to watch t.v. anymore
28. Last person you went to dinner with: My mother
29. Ford or Chevy? how about Toyota (lexus!!)
30. What are you listening to right now? I am monitoring my breathing at the moment.
31. Favorite color: Pink, Blue, Black
32. Any pets: a cat, Tilly
33. How many tattoos do you have: none
34. Which came first...God or Evolution? God

Just boring stuff for you to read while I get my act together.

Gazuntheit

2005-01-18T11:22:00.000-05:00

Is there a cure for chronic sneezing? I am a little bit of a germaphobe when it comes to my hands and I don't find it thrilling to spit in them every few minutes. Help!
I came here to say something, but that something has slipped my mind. It wasn't too important, but something worth mentioning. . . never mind it will come to me.
I just realized as I was putting together a checklist (yes, a checklist for my trip, I have to make a checklist for a checklist. . .and if I don't do it now, it will never get done) that I do n't have winter boots. I have boots that go with my dressy clothes, but I don't own a pair of winter, recreational boots. I have some ski boots, but one can't realy function properly in those for a whole weekend. Remind me to buy boots.
That's it, I'm out. But I have a great blog coming up soon. I have been working on it for a while now. It's all about my beloved Margaret Atwood and a few themes of one of her books (try and guess it). Anyways, *sneeze* I need to leave . . .happy Tuesday!

I Feel Pretty, Witty, and Gay

2005-01-17T23:14:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been so angry you want to punch something really hard? Have you ever been so angry at someone that you want to punch them? Welcome to a small part of my world (make yourself comfortable). Probably none of you will know what/who I am talking about. Well. . . if you happen to be a reader of my little black book you might have an idea, but even so, I am not sure I have even mentioned this in the book. Nonetheless, you might have an idea. Don't worry, if you are reading this thinking hmmm, is she talking about me? chances are I am not. If you are reading this thinking it totally isn't me, dude I'd reconsider that thought. Nah, I am just messing with you. This something or someone gets under my last nerve. I really could explode, really. . . I could. This person (just for alittle clarification) is not related to me, and doesn't know anyone I am related to (just so we are clear on that issue to my commenters who like to defend others, no worries. . . it's not about them).
Wow, I am talking in bloody circles here. You don't care, I know. I just need to write about it, get it off my chest, start a new day without thinking about it.
I had a really good cry tonight. I watched Extreme Home Makeover (yes, I was home long enough to watch a little t.v., blog, do my laundry, assure my cat that she is wanted and I am not abandoning her, look outside at the snow and think to myself three more weeks and you are snowboarding down this white stuff baby, and not driving in it)
Oh, another thing. . .I am so excited about this winter wonderland escape trip. Yes, I will turn my cell phone off, leave my hairdryer, make-up, mousse, black shoes, fancy schmanciness of life at home, and live in longjohns and snowpants for a weekend. Winter camping= no bugs, no driving on black ice, NO SHOVELING, hot chocolate (and gigantic Tim Horton's muffins), no pitching tents, warm fireplaces, cozy blankets. . . sigh. I want to scream, I am so excited about this. A moment away. Not a deadline for the whole weekend, not a cellphone ringing, no computer, no "landline phone ringing" <-nice, JD, nice. Bliss, sheer, utter, complete, absolute bliss. I don't care if I come back with frostbite, I will have escaped. And, more realistically, it will prepare me for the bitter harshness of my Tibet move. Wow, I am not to angry anymore.
Anyways, my precious Word Perfect program won't open. I am editing, I need it to open. . . WHA BAM! Gotta jet, need to have this done for tomorrow morning.

Chicken Soup for the Throat

2005-01-16T13:19:00.000-05:00

I have eaten soup all weekend, I have been sick all weekend. It isn't a good thing when you are the music leader/director and need to be working at a confrence all weekend. I have been in the beautiful St. Catherines/Niagara Falls area, it has just been a tiring, but interesting weekend. I found out that I get to lead a youth confrence in Parry Sound (wherever the heck that is) at the end of February. Stephy and I are leading and what is super awesome about the trip is we get to ski and snowmobile for hours. Bliss I tell you. I may not be a fan of snow, but when I am locked away at some camp being fed Tim Horton's products all weekend on my snowboard surfing the powder, in my Columbia ski suit (which I looove) I am one happy chick. It really pays to be a music director. I am looking forward to the next year, we have many trips to take. Internationally we are looking at Trinidad/Tobago, Australia and France; Locally we are going to B.C, P.E.I., and Nova Scotia and in the U.S. we are looking at St. Louis, MO, Ashland, VA, and Pensacola, FL. I am so excited. Woot woot.
Anyways, I need to rest my throat, it hurts and I have to sing tonight. Just wanted to update. Oh and I apologize for the blahness and poor grammar used here, my head is stuffed up, my energy level is way down and I am running on a few hours sleep.

Stuff and Something

2005-01-14T16:29:00.000-05:00

Congrats to JD on getting the new position. I am so excited for you :) We will do lots of painting.
I have been reading newspapers and blogs that have updates on the Tsunami crisis, it is tragic and I still can't even comprehend that sort of a catastrophe. However, there is good news despite the horrificness, Canada has put a stop to all International adoption fees for the time being. Now rather than paying thousands of dollars in local and international fees, there will only be a local fee. This is great news. I feel terrible for all the orphans and wish that I could adopt a few, but at the moment I can't. If you are in a position do adopt and would like to, I encourage you to contact an adoption agency. What a gift it would be to a child. I am just thrilled.

~I decided to get sick instead of get my hair done. Is there a flu bug going around? Blah.
~At the pet store near my work there are kittens for sale. There is this really cute peach coloured one named Jonas (he has blue, crossed eyes.) I want to buy him. My house needs a kitten.
~need sleep (and it is barely 5P.M.!!!)

Let the Good Times Roll

2005-01-13T22:15:00.000-05:00

just some random things off the top of my head:

~ate cabbage soup with cheese (probably not the best combination)
~rain is a super thing in mid January
~need to buy soda crackers
~Ralph Lauren paint is pretty expensive
~next time I am in the U.S remind me to go to Bath and Body works (or whatever it is called) and buy some Sweet Pea anti bacterial hand soap. I fell inlove with that smell yesterday. Unfortuantely we don't have that store here in Canada (and no The Body Shop does not cut it).
~I am beginning to feel the slight effects of the soup I inhaled.
~I am going away at the end of February (guess who is uber stoked?)
~City of Angels is ranking amongst my favourite movies
~melba toast is my favourite snack
~Melba the cat lady didn't come for coffee today
~Melba toast dipped in Cabbage soup is splendid
~I kind of miss watching Hockey Night in Canada
~I really need to spend more time with certain people
~I am going to be posting about my readings fairly soon. I might make is a series. If you can guess what I will be posting on, I'll give you 5 bucks, maybe ten if you can guess the blog's two fold content
~my phone rings way to often, especially when I am not home. I have accumulated way to many messages in the past week . . . dare I tackle this issue?
~I've been dreaming a lot lately. Only one jolting, cold sweat one though.
~I taught my mother to sing "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, witty and gay" when she finds that she is experiencing anger in her awful grade 6 class. Obviously she has never seen Anger Management.
~my chest feels very heavy (the lung part). Does cabbage and cheese cause heartburn?
~I am getting my hair done again tomorrow. Time goes by fast and my hair grows so much. I am putting a bit of black in it. I know this is extreme, but hey. . . when I am old and grey I won't look back saying "I wish I had done this to my hair"
~ I think I might start going by my middle name. . . yes, I think I will.

I'll Have What She is Having

2005-01-12T23:08:00.000-05:00

My head is empty. I always draw a blank right before I blog. Several things go through my mind when I am typing. First, I think of what kind of mood I am in. Second, I think of all the people I know who are reading this. Third, I think of what has taken place through out the course of the time since I last blogged. These things usually help inspire what I am about to blog, but today, today. . . today I am having writer's block. I think I have just been way to busy to sit down and reflect. My head and thoughts are clouded by things that have happened, things that will happen, and my lack of rest. I am also bored, bored with my surroundings. My life is far from boring, heck, it is pretty much a whirlwind of hectic and constant motion. I just need different surroundings, one that isn't so . . . white. I am thinking of painting my bedroom red. I don't know how well that will go over, but red is such a passionate colour. Red is so romantic. Yes, I will paint my room red, and to go along with that I will buy nice, white blankets for my large, black wraught iron bed. Wow, I am feeling better already.
Maybe I will have more interesting things to blog about this weekend, when I get home from Niagara Falls. Oh yes, I believe it.
I am starting to bore myself.

Information Overload

2005-01-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

Addendum
I have seen some really good movies as of late. When you find yourself relaxing, take into consideration watching a few of these flicks.
1. Manchurian Candidate: not only does this have Meryl Streep in it, making it to the top in my books, it also has Denzel Washington (woot woot). Things don't appear as they seem. There are a few gross parts that I closed my eyes for, but I totally reccommend it if you like a dramatic thriller.
2. Steel Magnolias: Such an array of great actresses (Julia Roberts, Sally Fields, some others that I don't remember off hand). It's sad, it will probably make you cry.
3. One True Thing: I love this movie. Again, it's a Meryl Streep flick. It will have you crying. I can't watch it anymore, but it is so good.
4. Legally Blonde 2: I am not much of a stupid, ditzy, girl movie kind of person, but I admit I laughed quite often. "Yes, my dog is a flamer!" The plot line is horrendous, Elle tries to save her dog Bruiser's mother so that she can come to the wedding. Turns out Bruiser, the little Chihuahua is gay, he falls inlove with a huge Rotweiler. I laughed, really.
5. The Stepford Wives: This is not a typical girlie movie. The eighties version was better, but hey...I like Nicole Kidman, and she does exceptionally well in this movie.
"do-see do". . .
hmmm, I can't think of any other movies worth watching at the moment. I am also not a very good movie critic. Just watch them, that's all :)

Sometimes I feel like my computer. When I am sitting at my computer I am doing a number of things all at once. Usually I open Word Perfect because I am editing something for someone, I put on some music, open up a messenger service and talk to a few people and have my blog window open in case I have something interesting to write. That is a lot of windows, and a lot of things for my brain and computer to do all at once. Do you ever have moments where you feel like you are doing so much at once, not just at your computer but in real life? I overwork my computer and it starts giving me the signal that I am abusing it. It might crash, or start processing things slowly which becomes extremely frusterating especially when I am in the middle of hanging up a dangling participle. Life, as we know it, is like that. Things get thrown at us all at once, we have too many windows open, the music is blaring and it irritates so much that when someone has bad English it throws you into a tail spin all day. Exhaustion takes over.
I enjoy being busy, I enjoy different experiences with different people in many diverse situations, but there comes a point when, like my computer, I start to act very slowly or even send out crash signals. Today I felt like that. I overbooked myself. I had two engagements at similar times. Unfortunately one I couldn't get out of and the other put someone out. Life is busy.
As I get older I have more responsibility. I work for a ministry that keeps me on my toes everyday. I love it, but sometimes I just want to sign myself out, log off, run away.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Call me a nerd but, I have been reading the Harbrace English book. Reading grammar books gets me really excited. Anyways, it teaches up to dat MLA syle and . . . it is just really exciting to read. I am also reading a few other books (normal books). Alice Munro is another of my favourite authors; I have been going through a couple of her books. Blah blah blah . . . I am boring tonight, I know. My eyelids are shutting, I have had way to much to process today. Need to sleep.

One Year

2005-01-09T23:14:00.000-05:00

I have a lot on my heart today. I don't know where to begin, or even if I should. I find that sometimes when I lay my feelings on the line, especially in this blog, they get trampled on. I don't feel like putting myself through that tonight. I feel like sharing, but cautiously.
My blog is now a year old. It is a weird feeling having blogged for a year. I didn't think I would make it. I thought that this would be a silly fad that would die out within a month or so. I found a lot of peace when I blogged though. I felt I could spill my soul. I knew people read it, but it didn't bother me too much. I let myself be vulnerable with this blog at times. Tonight might be one of those times. I am glad for this outlet. One where I can share my idea on education very openly, one where I can talk about liking Nietzsche and Rousseau without a care, one where I can lay it on the line and not even caring that my friends or even professors know how I am struggling. I just enjoyed sitting ata computer and typing for my own pleasure rather than crazily trying to produce an A+ paper.
As I sit here tonight, not having to worry about my British Novel essay, or Medieval Lit paper, I am wondering how I can pour out my heart tonight. I am wondering how I can even put together my thoughts in an eloquent manner.
Anyways, I would just like to lay my head down and think, just for a few moments. Grab onto a thought and hold it. Things are spinning right now, and I look fine, I can compose myself no problem, but inside I am like freaking out. Don't worry, it's not a bursting, freaking out which will end up harming anyone or anything. It is just moments where I need answers, but they aren't coming.
I wish that I could feel God, I wish that he could just hug us sometimes. I wish he could just be my Abba father today. I wish I had of packed to move to Tibet long ago.
I miss a lot of people today. I want to cry. I really miss being a kid, not having to make hard decisions, not having to worry about how I look, not worrying about anything. Life is getting intense. There needs to be a pause button, oh don't I wish.
I decided, well with the help of JD, that I would create moods (as you will see on the side bar). There is this website called Unky Moods, and they provide creative, cartoon drawings of all different kinds of moods. JD thought I should make my own using a web cam. So, we sat down and created a tonne of them. I am just wondering right now which mood I should choose.

So I Say to Myself "Self", and I Knew it Was Me Because I Recognized My Voice

2005-01-07T16:48:00.000-05:00

I visited with my brother last night. We usually have these long confession talks. "Oh you did weed too...ha ha ok, I won't tell mom!" (not really like that, but you get the idea). So last night my brother was telling me his plans for the next 6 years of his life. I just want to say that I have the coolest brother ever. I am so proud of him.
He is graduating at the end of this sememster, and for a while he never knew what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. His girlfriend is going to medical school (I think that is what she said) and he just never knew what he wanted to do. Anyways, he is applying at Holland Institute in Prince Edward Island. This is a very pretigious culinary institution. The course he is taking will be about three years, and then he is going to get his buisness degree, and taking a year to go to Bible school. He wants to start his own restaurant. He is into fine dining and he makes these awesome meals. It is funny though, my bathroom has issues of Cosmo, IKEA catalogues and Laura Ashley Catalogues... my brothers bathroom is full of recipies. One magazine in particular "Grandma's Favourite Dishes" made me laugh so hard. Anyways, I have never really written anything about my brother yet. He is the one I get along with most, we have one of those loaded relationships: you tell on me, and I will make sure I tell on you for things you have done months back. We are friends now, it is great. I am just super proud of him.
I also want to say: I like coming up with creative titles that don't necessarily reflect what has been written. So in case you were wondering in the past and even now why my titles are so (creative, interesting, cute, amazing) obscure...it's just because I like to keep the creative juices flowing.
Oh and while I am at it, apparently the other day was de-lurking day (or something like that) Where the lurkers get to actually comment and say hello... If you lurk on this blog, feel free to say hi, introduce yourself. Maybe I will give away door prizes.

Stolen From my Pal Scott

2005-01-06T01:03:00.000-05:00

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
-Umm, gained an instant family (one and a half children and all....thanks JD)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
-I don't remember making any resolutions. I am not the resolution type. I made a few for this year, yes.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
-yes, my friends are breeding machines. Oh and a 12 pound cousin named George. He's fat.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
-yes

5. What countries did you visit?
-none, I stayed local this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
-stability and peace

7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-several things happened this year that are note worthy. Many happy times and many not so happy times. I don't want to share because the important dates need explanation. I am not in the right frame of mind for explanations right now.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
-got healthier (like I said...this year has sucked...unlike other years)

9. What was your biggest failure?
-uh...well...I don't like this question.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
-yep. No worries though, I am getting better :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
- well I paid of a semester of University education, and I bought a keyboard (it is really nice)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-my sister's. She decided that (by the end of the year) she was going to be more mature. Props to you little dude!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?
-I can't name just one person, but a few people have displayed behaviour that is not to classy.

14. Where did most of your money go?
-tuition, car, The Gap, American Eagle Outfitters, Club Monaco...heh

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-making a cd. We have the first copy all done and now it just needs polishing. I like being a musician.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Dancing with the Angels, and One Way (both for different reasons)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? mixed emotions
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
-relaxing and sleeping (shallow I know)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
-obsessing over dumb things

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
-with family

21. How many one-night stands?
-heh *phew* ummm...

22. What was your favorite TV program?
-the final season of Friends

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-I don't hate anyone

24. What was the best book you read?
-Passage to India

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
-A Perfect Circle

26. What did you want and get?
-ummm hmm I got lots of stuff. I don't know (Scott, did you make these questions up?!)

27. What did you want and not get?
-Lexus IS 300 (a black one)

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
-{the} Hours, of course...anything with Meryl Streep.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-I went out during the day, had quite a trip in a golf cart with my mother...the story is hilarious. I am not going to retell it, if you don't know it...just ask. I turned the age that you were when you were my age. (Sorry, I tend to keep my age private).

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-gaining personal control over an area in my life.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
- I am preppy. I always have been, this will never change. I added a more bohemian look to my wardrobe as well as a buisness-y look (lots of black...black goes with everything, I could live in black). I am sort of eclectic. I shopped a lot at American Eagle (does that help?)

31. What kept you sane?
-what keeps anyone sane? JD, if I answer this question the way you want me to answer this question I could get myself into a lot of trouble here. Music keeps me sane.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-the always beautiful, effervescant Meryl Streep

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
- the elections both here and in the US

34. Who did you miss?
-my school friends- the one's that I didn't get to see, Shar-near the end of 2004 she passed away, I miss her a lot. That's about it, everyone else I have kept in contact with, no one has moved away or anything.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004?
- i guess to take everything one step at a time, even if you think it is going to be a slow process...admire the beauty in everything, hold onto the joy certain moments and certain people bring to your life, remember how people laugh, remember what makes them laugh. I learned a lot in 2004...a lot.